these days and nights are torturous to me and I get no relief from my great and might God who I guess is summer vacationing from me.
Why Father when I reach out as I do do you remain silent now. I am flailing in a treacherous ocean in great peril and you peer down but your aid seems elsewhere. This is to great of a battle for me. I can not achieve anything in this battle but defeat when you are not assisting me. You are my armor and shield, the one who watches over me and preserves me from anything that would harm me. I am armorless and naked and will fall with great speed in this battle.
Where are you my comforter and protector. You give me direction and now without you I have none.
i don't know what i need now other than sleep and that was never easily accomplishable even in better times when it is broken into two half sessions which has bben the rule for me for the last 8 + years with this occupation.
but before i nod off here in the library even with all the racket of kids around me ( ..none of them mine)I will head to the bunk house and all it's un sanitary-ness.
these days and nights are torturous to me and I get no relief from my great and might God who I guess is summer vacationing from me.
God never takes a summer vacation from you or any of us.
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Why Father when I reach out as I do do you remain silent now.
He is working on the other side of the mountain and he works in ways that are not always visible to the human eye or heard by the human ear.
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I am flailing in a treacherous ocean in great peril and you peer down but your aid seems elsewhere.
Again. He is working on your marriage. It didn't fall apart over night and it won't be restored over night.
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This is to great of a battle for me. I can not achieve anything in this battle but defeat when you are not assisting me. You are my armor and shield, the one who watches over me and preserves me from anything that would harm me. I am armorless and naked and will fall with great speed in this battle.
Where are you my comforter and protector. You give me direction and now without you I have none.
Doubting Thomas comes to mind. Did Hosea not wait for years? Did Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead? He got there 4 days after Lazarus had died and still raised him from the dead. Didn't God say that he can turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh? God doesn't give you more than you can handle. You have made it this far. He knows you can handle it.
God is with you. Where is your faith? Maybe your faith is being tested.
Something I read today from rejoice ministries...
"What if Jesus came into your bedroom tonight and said, 'Wait for your spouse; your marriage will be healed." Jesus then walks out the door. Would you believe the Lord and wait for your beloved spouse?
From me. What if it took years? But you remember Jesus coming and telling you it will be done. Will you have the faith and courage and strength to keep waiting and being patient knowing at the perfect time your M would be restored?
Maybe he is building your faith and working on your W's heart.
Don't lose hope or faith. I read about marriage's that are restored after 8 and 10 years.
Look at this scripture...
"Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways," declares the LORD..."So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:6-8,11
Your plan for restoration now may not be what is best. There may still be work to do on you and your W so that when the restoration occurs, it will be stronger and better than ever. His ways are different than our ways and thank goodness he knows better than we do. Look at the mess we made. Now he has to clean it up for us. And he will if we are patient and remain faithful.
When this is all said and done, you will look back and be so happy that you made it through this and have a better marriage because of it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
My personal favorite read for today comes from Proverbs Chapter 3 verse 5.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And DO NOT lean on YOUR OWN understanding.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
hey Kevin ...I will try my darndest not to be at all bothered by your reply cuz I definetely do appreciate your company and thoughts but just to let you know, I tend to be looking less for advice on things that I stick under the heading of "journal" or "jrnl"
and just like me I didn't even finish reading your reply (the lenthy one) but it started to occur 2 me that you were dissecting my journal thoughts and supplications to the Lord. I wasn't necessarily after that but it is plenty cool.
i will go back and finish reading it. SOmetimes people automatically get the idea on these boards that virtually the only response or reply that they can give (and you are far from the only one ..i am sure i have done the same too)is one from an entirely fix it mentallity. This is often times very definetely missing the point.
I just finished "I Do Again" by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. Divorced for 7 years. If you want to cry, read it. If you want to see God's hand in restoration, read it.
And now I shall finish by saying; I still feel like giving up. But Kevin, what you wrote was very good. I wish Jesus would walk into my room and tell me that. Don't we all?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
..none of them mine)I will head to the bunk house and all it's un sanitary-ness.