I have had such a hard time understanding the Ups & Downs that W goes through. I noticed recently though that I go through these too. For the last couple of days I have had that "young, strong, and I can handle this," vibe going. Then all of the sudden I just get sad.
If you read my thread, you will see the exact same thing. This is completely normal. When you begin to understand that the bad times are going to prop up somethime for no reason, and bite you, they become much more manageable. And, with time, they become MUCH less intense. Eventually, they hardly seem noticeable. But, at first, they are tough. Don't fight them. Just let them out (away from your W), then pick yourself back up.
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I saw that a couple of weeks ago you were having the ability to detach a little more and check out girls at the gym. Are you keeping that up? I've had moments like that, but I haven't been able to maintain them. (I don't show her when I'm sad)
Detachment takes a while ( and I'm still working on it). Good days and some infrequent bad ones. That's ok though. As far as noticing other women....YES!. I would not act on it right now (I would not until D is final I think). But, what I have noticed is that I realize that my W is not the only beautiful woman in the world. I just got back from my kids' meet and greet at their schools, and if half the women (many single) I saw there are on the PTA, I just found my volunteer opportunity for next year.
Funny how this supposedly came on from lack of communication, lack of appreciating the small things, etc. and the prescription for fixing it is no communication, no over the top appreciation, no acting lovie-dovie etc. Ironic.
I don't think it is 100% no communication (some advocate going dark in some sitch's), and I don't think it comes from not showing affection. The fine point to appreciate is that you show affection in a different way. Certainly, initially, you do pull WAY back. I think this is more to give them space and make them wonder what is going on with you. But, I think the biggest thing is that any and all activity your W could perceive as pursuit has to stop.
One of the things people have a hard time dealing with and understanding is the conept of loving detachment. It does NOT mean withdrawing in a cold shoulder kind of way. It really is pulling back in a manner that you are still approachable, but leave the approach to your W. And it DOES work.
Also, the best book I have read on communication so far is The Five Love Languages. It was eye opening and only took a day to read.
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Her anger comes and goes. Last night when I was typing on this she came and sat with me outside and said, "I'm so sorry we're going through this." I could only reply "me too." I waited and followed with "I've learned a lot that I don't think I would have otherwise though." She seemed to appreciate that and said that she did too. This is the first time that she has come to me and discussed anything not completely superficial in a while. I think it's because she was nervious about going to IC today. She HATES talking about her feelings. The only way she can do it is to put on the "strong, angry-girl face."
Couple of things. First, she will be on the up and down for a while. Expect her to pull back after a particularly good day. That is normal.
Second, be careful about relationship talks. If she brings it up, tmake it about HER feelings/issues, not yours.
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I'm nervous to see how she acts today after her IC appt. I still think she's there looking for validation in leaving so she won't feel guilty anymore.
One thing you HAVE to change is worrying over things you can't control. You have NO control over how she will feel after the IC session or anytime else. You have NO control over her ultimate decision. This is a hard one, but as soon as you accept that, a ton of pressure is off you, and you can begin to work on you much more effectively.
Sorry for the long post, but a lot of ground to cover.
