Rob, Thanks...I hope you're right - that I'm not jaded...I think sometimes that my deep sadness over the loss of so many things in just one year (marriage, little family, work, S12 leaving in 12 days) - just makes it so very hard to see the positives sometimes.
I still feel like I'm going through hell sometimes - and just seem to find myself in very dark places very quickly these days - so much of it just has to do with my son leaving so soon...my kids are just the best part of my life - the most precious, the most beautiful - and when I watch then and see them laugh together, I just find my eyes well up with tears - not just because my S12 will be leaving soon - but because they will be missing out on the chances to interact this way as often as they do now. When they laugh, I want to freeze the moment, stay in it, find comfort there in their joy - but the knowledge that it's fleeting just pierces my heart - and I think about not having my kids here to share moments with one another together...and I think about so many of the decisions, right and/or wrong, that brought me to this moment over the years - and sometimes the thought creeps into my head that I have failed them...that I've not done the best that I could have done for them...and that I can't stop or change this situation so that they won't be apart - and so that I won't have night after night alone at home - missing them and crying - wishing that I had done a better job somehow as the man who would become their father.
Not that I think I'm a bad father - I tend to think I've done a good job with S12 and hope to do much of the same with S2...I just reflect on some of my past - and look at the circumstances of my present - and think, I had so many opportunities to rise above this before it fell apart...why didn't I?
I worry...I genuinely worry...that my heart can't survive the blow of having S12 leave soon...my heart just feels like such a fragile organ in me right now...like it's already hit its capacity to feel more pain than could possible fit inside my body.
