On the verge of a meltdown.

[SmileysPerson]

An awful lot going on. IMO that's why you're on the edge of a meltdown -- you're dealing with everything as if it is one problem.

Need to break this down into separate challenges and focus on each in turn.

For example, the boys in trouble. In a weird way, that's the easiest challenge to deal with because -- apart from their acting out -- it's in some respects the least-connected to your experience of the D. Adolescent boys suffer from Testosterone-Induced Stupidity. Corralling them is a no-brainer and would be required whether or not you were in the D.

So let's engage some things here.

came to believe this would pass with time it hasn't.

What's "time"? This is a marathon, not a 100-yard dash.

my D6 asked why we can't be a family together and I just fell apart.

You can't fall apart. It's okay for her to know you're sad -- in fact it's good -- but you have to be a leader. One thing I've used with my D6 is "we are still a family -- Daddy's marriage isn't what makes us a family. How I love you and..... and how you love me and your Mommy -- that's what makes us a family."

I had to hide in the basement so they wouldn't see me in that state.

Save it for later. They're watching you and will model you. If you're good and strong, they'll be good and strong. Your mission right now is to make those children as resilient as possible. Think Charlotte in Charlotte's Web.

we go to court Thursday for spousal support which should push her over the edge.

I'm all-too-familiar with this phenomenon. Too bad for her. As my attorney puts it, she might as well come to grips with the Rule Of Thirds -- one-third for Uncle Sam, one-third for her, one-third for you. Whatever you do, ignore it. DON'T pick that rope up.

All of this is my fault of course because I won't move out of the marital home.

Of course. Blah blah blah-dee-frickin'-blah. And you were the gunman on the grassy knoll, too.

I have tried to talk to my W and voiced my concerns but it falls on deaf ears.

Which concerns?

I don't think that a divorce is the right course of action.

What you think is irrelevant. You have to live -- right now -- by what @Coach refers to as the "brutal reality" of your situation. Don't confuse your philosophical and moral beliefs with guidance for your courses-of-action. Whether you like it or not, it's happening. That's your starting point. Save the philosophical condemnation for later. Let it motivate you to DB your a** off, but don't make it the center of your evaluations.

I have tried to get her to go to counseling but she won't.

Only she can get her to go to counseling. Don't push. Let it go. Focus inward. Focus on you. Focus on that mission of making those kids resilient. The more you ignore her the better off you'll be and the more confounded she'll be. But if you keep pushing, you keep giving her ammunition.

and every time I ask her where are problems are I get a different answer.

Of course you do. Because she doesn't know where they are. Every time you ask a question like that, you make her think. Walkaway doesn't want to think. Walkaway wants to walk. So she's going to reach for anything and everything ("you're not tall enough!") in the vain hopes that she'll find the Magic Bullet that makes you say, "Oh, well then I guess I'll be going."

I need to know

No, you don't. You want to know. That's a different thing.

I havent read any of the DB books yet as I am on half a shoestring budget.

Public library. If yours doesn't have it they can get it on what is called "Interlibrary Loan" -- ask the reference librarian. Also ask for a book called Hold Onto Your NUTs.

I actually gave them to my W to read

Don't give her things to read. Study is for you.

she was very pissed after reading love languages.she said she has been trying to tell me that for 20 years.which I think is total BS

What you think doesn't matter. She might be reaching and rewriting again -- it's what they do. On the other hand, that might actually be her point-of-view. But again, it doesn't matter.

Right now, you can't control her. You can't influence her. All you can do is annoy and irritate her. That's not helpful. So focus on yourself and the kids.
maybe the last two years yes 20 no way.

I gave up cigarettes 18 months ago, and have been clean (weed) for 9 months.I very rarely drink, a beer here and there but that is it. I have lost 12lbs on the(I'm Leaving)diet.and I have been exercising.

Excellent. Keep that up.

The empty nest is killing me.

Understandable. Just keep walking. One step, one yard, one mile, one day at a time.

to much quiet time.and the lack of funds to do anything.

Excuses. And weak ones. Time too quiet? Kick out the jams on the stereo. Too little money? Take a walk. Putter in the yard. Jog. Go people-watching at the mall. Get on the internet, find a star map, try to identify them at night (so you can share it with the kids). Go through each room of the house identifying projects that need doing. Prioritize them. Get your budget under control. Go to the public library, read the paper, rummage around the magazines, read a book about something you never, ever thought you'd read a book about. Check out the community event boards at the library, city hall, Starbuck's -- go to a lecture on some subject you have no interest in whatsoever, attend an art exhibition.

In other words, do SOMETHING. Whether it's your "usual" thing or not. In fact, the less usual the better. Just be out.

And just be.