Kalni...devastation occurs whether you love your H or not. Many won't believe this but I still love my STBXW. I like what john and others wrote. It's how you handle this now...and how you grow with this...that counts.
You MUST....feel the anger right now or you will never grow thru this. You must embrace those feelings. And know something else?....you must EXPRESS YOUR ANGER to your H or you won't heal. Do it as constructively as you can. Time....will make the pain lessen.
Although Tomato feels I am jaded, much as I ..and others here...will support everyone trying to save their M....I will also not fall pray to the "they all come back after 2-5 years and you'll find that wonderful marriage you've been looking for your whole life"...when the pattern is nothing but lying, cheating, contempt and lack of integrity.
Hogwash. If one chooses to stand for religious reasons, I respect that. But to tell someone to hold on....or...flirt with your spouse and make them dinner when they've disappeared for 4 days.........
Kalni....this hurts. Been there. You need to stay really strong right now and most importantly, realize that this was not BASED ON YOU AS A PERSON.
Anger is OK. You cannot be expected to forgive your H RIGHT NOW. It will come...with time...at your pace. Take care of yourself. Exercising releases endorphins and helps. Starting Over
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I am not angry in the sense of RAGE. I am hurt because of all the unnecessary pain he put me through the last year. I am amazed about how he was capable of ML to me and her for a whole year, coming back from paris with gifts for the kids, gifts he bought with her!!!
Right now, I am following the pattern of not just friends book, needing to know all details, the ways, mechanisms, tricks he used. He answers all questions. I do sound mean to him very much. But I am accepting I lost. Time to move on. I wish my parents were calmer with all this. Now THEY feel betrayed. His father the same. Weird huh? He caused so much pain to so many people. NOW he realises the magnitude of what he done.
I am in pain. For the women out there, this feels like when the placenta is finally pulled out of you after you give birth. It's like tearing apart something that was precious for nine months but has become obsolete, useless now and it's torn out of you. When I had my baby girl, with no drugs, I felt the pain, different that the birth pain, weird, not as acute but soooo weird. It's the final act.
Maria-- I don't come to this forum (although have known you for a long time), so didn't know all that had happened recently. I hate that you, that any of us, have had to live through this. I can empathize with the feelings you must be having...yet, you are so much stronger than I was. I know that you will come through this, continuing to grow and be the wonderful person we have all come to know. I hope that you can block some of what you have read between them while you are away on vacation, and try to stay in the moment with your children. I think the idea of therapy is a good one, especially for the kids, if you can locate something. And I was happy to hear that you were clear on your financials with what will come.
Kalni, Nothing to add. The Greek and I will pray for you and your family. You will handle this just fine.
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I will. Somehow. My mom cant. This is escalating.She is gone nuts, crazy. I am 600 km away on my 1st of vacation and I may have to return. My poor dad doesnt know what to to. She turned things to her personal issue. Suddenly SHE was betrayed and it has nothing to do with me. She wants to go to his work, talks in a way I've never heard before, and she is hysteric. Her voice has changed, she wants to kill him. She is so [censored] self centered. She doesnt care about me, my kids, my dad. I have no idea how to handle this. She wont listen to anybody. She was acting calm till I left. She doesnt get it she isnt helping me.
I feel sorry about H. And worry about him. Yes John, I do.
I think you just have to let your mom be. Maybe by staying on your trip, and being calm, she will realize that going loony-toons isn't going to help.
Hmmmm, here's a thought, that might be impossible to do...
You wanted some time alone, what if you asked your mom to come to where you are and watch the kids for a couple days, and you could spend some time alone, at least during the day. Maybe getting your mom away from the drama at home would calm her down.
If it's a crazy idea, remember, I am a man, and I try to fix things!
Awww, Jeff, I think it's a good idea (and you made me smile). Maria, Jeff's idea is worth some thought. I'm sorry you're having to deal with your mom's outburst. Maybe your mom just needs to get this out of her system for a day or so and then she'll calm down. I'm sure she's funneling a lot of her angst into the situation with your H because she's experiencing fear with your dad's health and doesn't have anyone to fixate blame/anger on in that situation.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you find some peace during your vacation. DON'T GO HOME!
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
