My boundaries are I will not engage in any kind of dialog other than what has to be done for children unless she is willing to be 100% honest about what she has been doing. No marriage counseling which she was using as a way to only discuss her exit not any issues. I have already told her a week ago I was NOT moving out of our home which is also my place of business. If she felt she needed more space than she was free to pursue an apt. Also, I would not want our daughters 6, 9 to be in contact with this other man unless we are divorced. I am divorce busting. She will also have to uphold her 50% of expenses and child care duties. I honestly think we can work through those details we have both said we don't want to hurt one other and I want to get back to "loving detachment," but only essential child communication unless she tells the whole truth.
Thanks for your support. Please stay with me...I need all the advice and support I can get!
My boundaries are I will not engage in any kind of dialog other than what has to be done for children unless she is willing to be 100% honest about what she has been doing. No marriage counseling which she was using as a way to only discuss her exit not any issues. I have already told her a week ago I was NOT moving out of our home which is also my place of business. If she felt she needed more space than she was free to pursue an apt. Also, I would not want our daughters 6, 9 to be in contact with this other man unless we are divorced. I am divorce busting. She will also have to uphold her 50% of expenses and child care duties. I honestly think we can work through those details we have both said we don't want to hurt one other and I want to get back to "loving detachment," but only essential child communication unless she tells the whole truth.
Thanks for your support. Please stay with me...I need all the advice and support I can get!
My boundaries are I will not engage in any kind of dialog other than what has to be done for children unless she is willing to be 100% honest about what she has been doing. No marriage counseling which she was using as a way to only discuss her exit not any issues. I have already told her a week ago I was NOT moving out of our home which is also my place of business. If she felt she needed more space than she was free to pursue an apt. Also, I would not want our daughters 6, 9 to be in contact with this other man unless we are divorced. I am divorce busting. She will also have to uphold her 50% of expenses and child care duties. I honestly think we can work through those details we have both said we don't want to hurt one other and I want to get back to "loving detachment," but only essential child communication unless she tells the whole truth.
Thanks for your support. Please stay with me...I need all the advice and support I can get!
One thing I can almost guarantee is that she will not come clean about the A. She will not admit to you anything. In fact, she's going to turn around and accuse you of being the one for causing the M to fail. That you didn't see to her needs, blah blah blah.
The cheating spouse will do and say everything against you and will hardly ever come out and admit that they were wrong.
Your W has been setting you up for an exit for awhile. She wanted to leave as quickly as possible so that she could leave with a "clear" conscience.
My suggestion is to not give her an ultimatum. It's not going to work.
Instead, tell her that "I am not willing to live with dishonesty in our R and will not be hurt any longer. These are what I have established as my boundaries. etc." Keep the emphasis on you. The minute you say it's all about HER then she's going to go off and start disrespecting you more than she already has.
When my W had her A, I told her that she had to leave and that I was not going to have my kids around a liar. Pretty harsh, but it set my boundaries.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
James, I'm so sorry you have to be going through this. I think puppy compared it to a kick in the chest; I can only describe finding out about this as a kick in the balls. Please stay calm and rational, I know it will be hard everytime you look at her.
you wrote, "Either she comes 100% clean and tells me all or I have no words for her."
Are you looking for her to tell you all the sorrid details or just to fess up to the fact she cheated? If you asked her if we could try and put this behind us and work on this marriage and she said, no. what would you do? Steve. Take care stay calm get some ADs if necessary.
Thank you to all of you that commented with your thoughts. Wife finally came to me and admitted affair. She's still tried to act like it was casual dating, but I knew better and she admitted almost everything including the fact that she's spending yet another weekend (this one with him). It's out in the open now and her sisters and mom know so no more "forbidden love," clandestine affair. Also daughters 6, 9 broken up and sad again this weekend that mommy's not here with us but "with her friends," they of course don't really know that means another man! Wife is sad and feels guilt I can tell since she's talked to them 3 times last night and 2 times this morning. I'm telling her "I'm good." Giving her space to sit with consequences of her actions. Other man is only a several months into his separation and lives across the country. Wife says she probably won't see him now for a while, but still intends to pursue this with him. I'm giving her space and being lovingly detached. Doing my own healthy things with the daughters and keeping up the house as in "NO WE'RE NOT FALLING APART." We/I don't approve and told her no contact with this guy and our daughters. This guy is not nice. Doing a married woman before she even told me she wanted a divorce at her high school reunion! I'm Divorce Busting and Affairus Interuptus by staying out of it letting her deal with the guilt and consequences. I expect this will take months but I love my wife and even though she doesn't think we ever had true love, just sex and issues - I know and our marriage therapist knows from even 5 years ago staying together all these years was love. Now if wife and other man start to collapse over next months and I'm the strong confident smart good husband I know I can be and am...then there's a chance. As I said to wife - it would be a shame at the point when you're really ready to open up your true feelings to someone and I'm really ready to correct my dysfunction that we would miss each other. No response from her. She's in defense posture of her position. Saying even if it doesn't work out with other man she'd rather be alone - I think that's the defense BS talking. This is hard, but I'm going to do it. I'm not giving up on this woman that I truly love.
hank you to all of you that commented with your thoughts. Wife finally came to me and admitted affair. She's still tried to act like it was casual dating, but I knew better and she admitted almost everything including the fact that she's spending yet another weekend (this one with him). It's out in the open now and her sisters and mom know so no more "forbidden love," clandestine affair. Also daughters 6, 9 broken up and sad again this weekend that mommy's not here with us but "with her friends," they of course don't really know that means another man! Wife is sad and feels guilt I can tell since she's talked to them 3 times last night and 2 times this morning. I'm telling her "I'm good." Giving her space to sit with consequences of her actions. Other man is only a several months into his separation and lives across the country. Wife says she probably won't see him now for a while, but still intends to pursue this with him. I'm giving her space and being lovingly detached. Doing my own healthy things with the daughters and keeping up the house as in "NO WE'RE NOT FALLING APART." We/I don't approve and told her no contact with this guy and our daughters. This guy is not nice. Doing a married woman before she even told me she wanted a divorce at her high school reunion! I'm Divorce Busting and Affairus Interuptus by staying out of it letting her deal with the guilt and consequences. I expect this will take months but I love my wife and even though she doesn't think we ever had true love, just sex and issues - I know and our marriage therapist knows from even 5 years ago staying together all these years was love. Now if wife and other man start to collapse over next months and I'm the strong confident smart good husband I know I can be and am...then there's a chance. As I said to wife - it would be a shame at the point when you're really ready to open up your true feelings to someone and I'm really ready to correct my dysfunction that we would miss each other. No response from her. She's in defense posture of her position. Saying even if it doesn't work out with other man she'd rather be alone - I think that's the defense BS talking. This is hard, but I'm going to do it. I'm not giving up on this woman that I truly love.
hank you to all of you that commented with your thoughts. Wife finally came to me and admitted affair. She's still tried to act like it was casual dating, but I knew better and she admitted almost everything including the fact that she's spending yet another weekend (this one with him). It's out in the open now and her sisters and mom know so no more "forbidden love," clandestine affair. Also daughters 6, 9 broken up and sad again this weekend that mommy's not here with us but "with her friends," they of course don't really know that means another man! Wife is sad and feels guilt I can tell since she's talked to them 3 times last night and 2 times this morning. I'm telling her "I'm good." Giving her space to sit with consequences of her actions. Other man is only a several months into his separation and lives across the country. Wife says she probably won't see him now for a while, but still intends to pursue this with him. I'm giving her space and being lovingly detached. Doing my own healthy things with the daughters and keeping up the house as in "NO WE'RE NOT FALLING APART." We/I don't approve and told her no contact with this guy and our daughters. This guy is not nice. Doing a married woman before she even told me she wanted a divorce at her high school reunion! I'm Divorce Busting and Affairus Interuptus by staying out of it letting her deal with the guilt and consequences. I expect this will take months but I love my wife and even though she doesn't think we ever had true love, just sex and issues - I know and our marriage therapist knows from even 5 years ago staying together all these years was love. Now if wife and other man start to collapse over next months and I'm the strong confident smart good husband I know I can be and am...then there's a chance. As I said to wife - it would be a shame at the point when you're really ready to open up your true feelings to someone and I'm really ready to correct my dysfunction that we would miss each other. No response from her. She's in defense posture of her position. Saying even if it doesn't work out with other man she'd rather be alone - I think that's the defense BS talking. This is hard, but I'm going to do it. I'm not giving up on this woman that I truly love.
You're handling this with real dignity and, if I can be so bold as to use this word, grace. I know what it's like to find out that your wife has "other interests" (mine always wrote it off as "he's just a distraction"). And I can tell you, too, that it's not likely to last. I only started seeing changes in WAW when OM more-or-less stood her up for the 3rd or 4th time -- after she'd gone out of her way to make arrangements and travel for them. Now she relates it all as "stupidity" and a "mistake," and her attitude towards Smiley's Person has changed significantly.
Still.... don't jump off a bridge when Walkaway says something cruel and don't jump to Cloud Nine when s/he says something nice. I'm proceeding "as if" nothing has changed, she's still Out There In The Fog, and etc.
It's the only way that I can see. So bully for you -- you're keeping it clean.
