Been busy, in a good way. S14 is at camp this week, so lots of time with D10. Had a few adventures, a spa night sleepover, shopping, painting together...then spent an overnight with S at his camp.
D stayed with her dad (his evening with her, then just stayed over). He goes to work at 5:30 am, so I rushed home to get her asap while letting her have time to sleep in a little. X fell all over himself to thank me for letting her stay over (it's not about you, idiot). It was good to hang out with S, that he asked me to visit and wanted me there. I actually got a lot of planning done for the new school year when he had to go to merit badge workshops, to boot. And I had some time to connect with the other parents of the scouts - I miss that a little, especially with D not taking girl scouts last year. It was all very comfortable, and I was careful not to talk about x or the sitch in more than any of the most general terms.
Went to my IC today. We talked about how I am being reflective on what was in my past marriage, and what wasn't, and how I am re-defining what is acceptable and workable for me as I go forward, and maybe have new intimate relationships. How I was pretty stifled and too accommodating in my marriage - I want someone who is as open to communicating as I am (there were lots of warning signs that this wasn't happening with x). Honesty, respect and loyalty will need to be paramount, as well. I will question and speak up much more if I find things uncomfortable (I hope!!) instead of justifying and excusing. It came up that men can't really be close friends with unrelated women without other feelings and temptations coming up - what do you guys think? After all that has happened, I am tending to agree with this.
I also brought in the picture of myself from when I was little (about 5), a homework assignment. IC just said how loveable I was, how deserving...how did I feel, as an adult, looking at that little girl and what she had to deal with? Wow... I was a happy little girl, but wasn't taken care of or paid much attention to. Set me up to always trying with everything I had to please, "be good." Lots of connections between how I was raised and everything that happened with the marriage.
New homework is to find more pics, from maybe age 10 and 15, and write about how I feel about "those kids" from a distanced, adult point of view. I have some old photo albums...I think I might be making a collage in the next week with some of them, adding the reflections.
Speaking of art, I also started a family portrait of the kids and I in acrylics on canvas, and my botanical illustrations for my friend's book just got mailed to the publisher!
Tomorrow is my women's spirituality group meeting, which I'm looking forward to. I want to work on my friendship skills....seems that I have a lot of acquaintances and am generally well-liked, but not approached to go out one-on-one or become closer friends.
