Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

Thank you CP - I am also praying for you.

Thank you Puppy - I wish you were here (so I could collect on that hug).

Thank you Sandi - I need and am taking that moment to cry.

Thank you GIMA - I am strong and tomorrow will be better.

[sgctxok]

Ashley...

Your DB technique here is

BETTER DONE THAN SAID

There have been too many words. You need action. When you set limits there have to be consequences. An action and a reaction. They DO NOT have to be ALL OR NOTHING consequences. ONLY YOU can set them, because ONLY YOU know what you can live with. But your words AREN'T working.

No more words. ACTION. DO SOMETHING.


Brainstorm some options here:

Leaving, throwing him out are the drastic options....they ARE options. But first ... brainstorm some other consequences....you will no longer give him your time OR you will no longer cook or clean for him OR ?????

[Faith2010]

There have been too many words. You need action. When you set limits there have to be consequences. An action and a reaction. They DO NOT have to be ALL OR NOTHING consequences. ONLY YOU can set them, because ONLY YOU know what you can live with. But your words AREN'T working.

No more words. ACTION. DO SOMETHING.

Brainstorm some options here:

Leaving, throwing him out are the drastic options....they ARE options. But first ... brainstorm some other consequences....you will no longer give him your time OR you will no longer cook or clean for him OR ?????

I woke up this morning thinking the same thing. I will start with my time. H gets too much of it and acts as if nothing is wrong. No more.

I wish I could say I feel better this morning. I feel drained, heartbroken and determined. Determined to no longer partake in his game.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think it's time to stop acting like his life, and start acting like a roommate or (not best) friend.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think it's time to stop acting like his life, and start acting like a roommate or (not best) friend.

Sandi just posted this on another thread, but it describes really well what I'm trying to say about how you should begin to treat him, Ashlee. Substitute "him" for "her", obviously:

Have you worked along side people in the workforce who you were cordial to but you were emotionally detached to them? That is how we mean to be lovingly detached to your W. The fact that you could show a sense of frindliness and even some warmth but yet you do not let her pull the puppet's strings and control your moods is what she will notice. It is not about controling her or her controling you. It is about you taking charge of your emotions and focusing on your life instead of centering every word and deed around her. Whatever she says or whatever her mood, you don't sway from your PMA. PMA doesn’t mean to act like a “clown” in the face of seriousness, but it is what it says…a positive mental attitude. You put your own personality into that PMA to own it. It is not fake if you make it your own personal PMA and live that way from day to day.

[Faith2010]

I like it. Thank you Puppy and thank you Sandi.

What a great way to look at it. I have a co-worker in mind that fits the description perfectly so when speaking to H, I will think of that person and act accordingly.

Received a text 20 minutes ago from H : hello...how is your morning?

I have not responded. Do I? Just something along the lines of Fine, thank you?

[mishka422]

IMO, don't respond. He's baiting again. Wanting to get your stirred up. It's the same old song and dance.

You are doing very well Ashlee. How do you plan on limiting the amount of time he gets from you?

[Stronger]

It's up to you if you want to respond, but something cordial would be in order if you do. Not snippy or cold, just cordial.

Here's something to keep in mind and its taken me a long time to figure it out and it's amazing....someone can tell me something but it might not click....but if it's said to me the right way, I get it.

Last night my therapist (love her) called me at home. She said she had been thinking about somethings we had discussed and then she gave me a gem. One of my H's issues right now is he's trying to figure out who's been lying to him. Sort of laughable after all the lies he's told, but ok. He's questioning me vs. OW, which infuriates me, but again, ok.

Therapist said to me:

"ADB, you are a lion. (I'm a hothead for sure!) You roar like a lion. You can roar the truth as loud as you want, but if you're roaring at someone sick of being yelled at.....well, you probably won't be heard. But then you have this snake, that's beautifully colored.(OW) It slithers ups and starts whispering lies through her split tongue and smiles while she does it....who do you think he's going to want to listen to? You need to be the lion you truly are, but you need to learn to use an inside voice....stomp that snake out."

Love that woman and her imagery.

But there's another way to look at this too....you have to stop yelling at him and getting into it with him because OW isn't doing that....so guess who he wants to talk to? The person who giggles with him and thinks he's just so great.....Now, I'm not saying praise him from your knees, laugh hysterically at his lame jokes, but relax the mood for sure.

Try this mindset...You are going to win this. One way or another, you have been the better woman, the stronger woman, the woman with her morals about her. And if you know you're going to win, why panic? Just calm down, no more fights. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

If he starts with this "I don't know....I don't know what I want to do, I don't know if I want to cut it off with her."

All you have to say is: "I understand and I don't understand. But that doesn't matter. I don't think you are able to really explain it just yet, so I'm not going to ask. But let me be clear: I do know. I know that I want our marriage to work. I know that I care about you and this family. I also know I care about me and you maby be soon crossing a line that you cannot cross back over. I'll be one side, you'll be on the other. Make sure you are POSITIVE you like how things look on that other side without me if you cross it......Don't worry honey. You'll make the right choice for you....I wish I could help you, but I can't. You'll figure it out. You just have to be sure, because I am."

I think it's got enough vague to it that he'll probably ask "What are you saying?" You're answer only needs to be "Just like you can't explain why you're so confused, I can't explain my statement any better than I just said it." And leave it alone. Change the subject.

And from now on, be THE woman every man says "Damn, I want me some of that!"

You do have more control over this than you think.

[Faith2010]

Thanks for responding Mishka and Almost.

Almost - I read your thread last night...about your therapist. She does sound great.

Well, I did respond with "Fine, thank you"

Here is what I got in return: "good..I'm sorry for putting you thru everything that I have."

Why does he even bother? Just to keep my hanging I suppose. If he was really sorry or actually cared enough his actions would be different.

I am not going to respond to his last text.

[sgctxok]

There have been too many words. You need action. When you set limits there have to be consequences. An action and a reaction. They DO NOT have to be ALL OR NOTHING consequences. ONLY YOU can set them, because ONLY YOU know what you can live with. But your words AREN'T working.

No more words. ACTION. DO SOMETHING.

Brainstorm some options here:

Leaving, throwing him out are the drastic options....they ARE options. But first ... brainstorm some other consequences....you will no longer give him your time OR you will no longer cook or clean for him OR ?????

I woke up this morning thinking the same thing. I will start with my time. H gets too much of it and acts as if nothing is wrong. No more.

I wish I could say I feel better this morning. I feel drained, heartbroken and determined. Determined to no longer partake in his game.

It does take so much energy. And it takes more energy INITIALLY to DO something and stick to your guns.

Eventually, it will take LESS energy to use ACTION instead of the debates.


I feel your pain.