In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

I wish I would have read this last night. It was not a good night or morning for me. She went out last night and I couldn't care less. She comes home and I was happy and we started a friedly talk. Then she says in December, I want to go to vegas with my friends. I said sure. She then asks to borrow money from me. That is just another dig at me. I had to say again to her that it is our money, you aren't borrowing anything. She said that because of my "contolling" behaivor for 18 years, she still can't get past it being my money. The only thing I ever did was complain every other month about our $4,000 visa bill.

Then the fireworks started again. I should have walked away, but I just couldn't.

-I said we can't just stay in limbo forever. Eventually, one of us has to make a decision. I said that you weren't telling the truth when we were with my oldest son's therapist this week about hopefully seeking marriage counseling after she works on herself. She admitted then she stills want a divorce, she still can't get past everything. Which she proceeded to name off one by one. I took the bait and defended myself one by one. I did finally say some things that needed to be said. That she really didn't communicate well to me what she was feeling in our marriage. That the reasons her friends and sister would come to me about issues with her is out of fear of her temper. In fact, I feared your temper over the years. That is why in most of our arguments, I just said OK, you are right and walked away.

I said I have been doing all the work on myself since you dropped the bomb and I like who I am becoming. You have done nothing but go out, drink and get a tattoo.

-I said look me in the eye and tell me that you want a divorce. And she did. She said I want to wait until we can be friends after the divorce. I told her I would resent her to the day I die for not trying to work on our marriage. I cannot be friends with her if we get divorced. I also said how custody would work--me with 2 weeks, her with 2 weeks a month, which she said OK. Of course I find out this morning that my middle son heard everything because he wasn't sleeping. It ended with me telling her that our son's are going to have a tough life and you don't seem to care. You know that it would be different and better if you stayed, but you wont even give it a chance.

-This morning I had a talk with my son and told him mommy and daddy are trying really hard and that we love him. I asked my W if she had any regrets about what she said last night. She said No. Then she said I placed all the blame on her for our oldest son who is having weight issues and that is why he is in therapy. He has had them for awhile, but they gotten much worse in the last 2-3 months. Kind of ironic that is when she dropped the bomb. I said I wasn't blaming her for his issues, just that this is the tip of the iceberg and that it is only going to get worse and our other two sons will have problems as well and that this is just sad.

-I asked again why didn't want to give this a chance. She said you would never even let me like you again. You won't speak to me unless I speak first(a DB tactic). I replied that I don't know what you expect from me. Everytime we start to get along well, you throw another dagger at me. I am tired of getting hurt every day.

-Then she told me that she quit her therapist this week because she was pushing her toward divorce. I said that would have been something you should have told me....

Anyway, it has been an exhausting night and morning already. I will continue to work on me and hope she works on her.

I am still married, so there still is hope...

I will try to use that line...

Thanks..