Thanks Stuck and Puppy. Validation of feelings is a big Retrouvaille advisory as well. We can't help what we feel, so it's pointless to argue that "you shouldn't feel that way". And it makes the other person resentful.
I'll do all the listening and validation. But I like what Puppy said - "end the EA and we can discuss everything".
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Have you worked along side people in the workforce who you were cordial to but you were emotionally detached to them? That is how we mean to be lovingly detached to your W. The fact that you could show a sense of frindliness and even some warmth but yet you do not let her pull the puppet's strings and control your moods is what she will notice. It is not about controling her or her controling you. It is about you taking charge of your emotions and focusing on your life instead of centering every word and deed around her. Whatever she says or whatever her mood, you don't sway from your PMA. PMA doesn’t mean to act like a “clown” in the face of seriousness, but it is what it says…a positive mental attitude. You put your own personality into that PMA to own it. It is not fake if you make it your own personal PMA and live that way from day to day. I practice that at work. I leave my problems at home so that I can focus on my work and so I can treat people the way I need to and show a positive mental attitude. I’d hate to know what I’d be like otherwise. When we return home in the evenings, it is really harder to apply this technique than at work b/c this is where we “live” and we want to let down and kind of let it all hang out (lol). Maybe we need to find a quite place for a while to do that and then regroup. I never was able to do that and I could feel the tension building in me. But anyway, that is how I see detaching from a S. You don’t act angry or cold and refuse to talk. That is totally defeating the purpose and a lot of the LBH’s have a hard time understanding that concept. I hope this clears up a little of the muddy waters.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. What you described is pretty much what I have arrived at by reading DR and these boards (thanks to helpful posters like yourself).
I guess one way I can describe my view of my wife now is similar to how I would treat a close male friend that I moved in with. Friendly and cordial, but certainly no physical affection/I Love Yous/pursuit. Throw in some work on blowing off any words or actions of hers that cause a sting (whether its from my own mind making assumptions about them or not) and that's basically me right now. Can't say that there have been many words or actions that have irked me recently, but she's been quiet on the EA front and I'm not asking. She seems to be respecting the boundaries I've drawn as well. And I'm not letting anything to do with her affect my mood, which has been quite good the last couple of weeks.
It seems pretty normal right now other than no displays of affection beyond small favors. I don't know if she's still clinging to hope that the post sessions of Retro will reveal something to her. I know she's still of the opinion that chances of getting back feelings for me are slim to none.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Hi Pigskin, Can you please share how you got your wife to attend Retrouvaille, since it appeared that she was the one who's feelings had changed? My husband is the one that wants out (we are already separated), and he hasn't reacted to positively to the idea of attending. I want to see how others encouraged hesitant/non-committed spouse to go, any suggestions? Thanks!
Her first reaction was extremely negative so I thought it was a no go. But as I learned more about the program I shared what I found out with her. That plus the fact that she heard good things about it from other people who attended made her change her mind. She was still very skeptical though and in an EA, so I'm sure it didn't have as much impact as it could have.
If you click on the search tab and do an "advanced" search on keyword Retrouvaille with user pigskin and posts within the last 3 months you can find all my posts on the topic.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Hi, I tried to search and read your post here- is there another place I should be looking? Did your wife pretty much think your M was over before going, and then came out wanting to give it another shot? Was it that powerful in a weekend? I feel like we are going with me wanting to try, and he closed off (if he ever agreed to go, that is). But at this point I'd just like to give it a shot.
hhh-I may have mentioned this before, forgive me if redundant. Consider a less dramatic goal, asking your H to make the phone call to the Team. They can help with the decision of whether or not to attend a weekend. Obviously, one spouse needs to initiate the registration process (which I think you've done), but the other spouse needs to attend willingly. Again, the Team can help, but they are not there to fill slots. It sounds in your posts that you have some expectations about the weekend. Yes, it's very powerful. But you need to relax. The process takes time. Sorry for the thread hi-jack. Peace. Goldey
Hi, I tried to search and read your post here- is there another place I should be looking? Did your wife pretty much think your M was over before going, and then came out wanting to give it another shot? Was it that powerful in a weekend? I feel like we are going with me wanting to try, and he closed off (if he ever agreed to go, that is). But at this point I'd just like to give it a shot.
Sorry for the late reply HHH; I've been on vacation. Here's a link to a page with a couple of my posts regarding Retrouvaille:
Just an update on my situation as I haven't posted in a while.
My 180 is to be caring, compassionate, and loving. And to listen without trying to fix my wife's feelings; to validate them. While I don't believe I was none of those things before, I will say that I certainly was pretty distant. Not in a mean way, just more like, "ok, you have a problem, here's how to try to fix it."
My wife responds very well to my 180s. And I love the man it has helped me become. Unfortunately it is all still too new to my wife, it seems foreign, she doesn't know if it will stick, and she still is wondering how I could turn on a dime like that. She has never said the marriage is through or that she wants a divorce. The worst I have gotten is the ILYBINILWY. She doesn't know if romantic feelings for me will return.
We had a wonderful time on our vacation and got along great. I noticed an email and string of replies to the OM shortly afterward (yeah, I guess I was snooping) but the weird thing was, all of the lovey dovey talk was on his side ("I love you, you mean the world to me, blah, blah, blah"). I saw nothing on my wife's replies that returned that sentiment. She's not said that she's ended her EA, and I don't know if this is wishful thinking on my part, but it WAS interesting.
My concern is now that she's back at work where the OM is, any progress we've made, no matter how infinitesimal, will be wiped away as soon as she sees him.
It sucks to have to wait this out, but prayer definitely helps when I'm feeling bad about our relationship.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
