Hi thank you for your ideas on my situation it puts another perspective on it. When I got sick I realised how quickly a life can be taken without warning. We had some discussions prior to surgery about my feelings at that point and I tried to talk to him after about my fear that I would die during surgery (which were valid as I had a reaction to the drugs and stopped breathing) his reaction was to say that it was silly to think like that. The day of my surgery, the hospital couldn't even contact him as he decided to go jetskiing, I did resent this when I found out.
I am sure he felt a fear of losing me, but he has never been one to really express his feelings (he came from a family who were very far from loving). I did talk to him about changes I wanted to make so we could enjoy life more, with less stress, he was receptive to these ideas and was contributing to these changes, but then it all started to go wrong. I also know that his new job (since Sept 08) has been very stressful, very long hours and a lot of travelling to and from home each day. Just to add to all this he had a friend his age commit suicide about 5 weeks ago, he didn't even tell me, I found out through friends.
He has always had a great deal of freedom to come and go as he pleases, I have never complained and never asked him to do anything. He did though have to be around more when I came out of hospital as I could not do much for six weeks. He says he now wants more freedom, most of his friends have never married or are divorced and I believe he sees their lives as more exciting. He doesn't want to have to tell me when he will be home etc. the silly thing is, he never has had to, I have never asked and never expected him to.
Tonight leaving dinner I heard him telling our friends that his business trip recently was just one big party, out all night, only a few hours sleep. This hurt me deeply. He is the fun loving, happy go lucky person in front of friends but then I get the sulky individual who won't even look at me.
But each time recently he has gone away, he says going home after work to an empty house with no one waiting is depressing, he missed me, our D and our pets. He says there is so much love in our house, but then seems to want to reject it all.
I just find it all so confusing.
He keeps the spare key in his car. I don't like to snoop but I think for my own sanity I am going to have to on this occasion. The key thing started the other night when I went to pick it up to drive to the shops for milk, he grabbed it and said he would drive me as he thought I might do something silly (like deliberately hurt myself, which I would never do I am). I told him to forget it as I was capable of driving myself. I didn't get to the shops and he has since hidden the key each night.
Sorry the reply is so long but I really have no one else to talk to about all of this and it is so good to finally be able to release everything.
