I am so, so sorry to hear about this. I know all too well what you are going through because my H lied to me for over a year telling me he wanted us to reconcile and all the while he was pursuing OW while telling me he had no contact with her. It wasn't until I confronted him with proof from his emails that he admitted to it. Cowards!!! Of course your H's behaviour makes so much sense now. Well, he won't have to live with his dilemma any longer - she can have him. I wonder how long that R will last now that it's all out in the open. Go and enjoy your vacation. I hope he's not still planning on joining you at the beach. You need time to yourself to digest all that's happened.
Take care of yourself!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Dear Kalni...I am so sorry that you are going thru the pain of what you recently discovered.
You will be OK. This is a character flaw of your H...not anything to do with you.
I hope I don't come across as being a pontificator, but, your sitch simply is representative of the following things that we ALL ARE VULNERABLE TO:
that the majority of our WAS are having affairs
that we choose to ignore the obvious out of fear
that this forum is of great use for support but can keep us in denial...that most books state that hoping and waiting for reconciliation, in our situations, is a form of denial. We waste too much time here trying to win back people who lie, cheat, break promises and destroy families
that, for men, if your W want's a separation there is a VERY HIGH LIKELIHOOD that there is another man in the wings. That the separation is not because "she needs time to figure this out"..but...to foster the outside R and allow the marriage to have a slow death
that most of the time there IS CHEESE in those 'cheeseless tunnels'
that knowing, as painful as it is, is better than living in limbo
Kalni..again...I am SO sorry and don't wish to sound compassionless. The only real control that you have here now is to immediately take control and FILE and move on with your life. I"m sorry. I know we don't like to say this here, but, this is MY opinion.
Don't post those pics on FB and I will agree with the quote here: "Blech". Who wants to see your H's sorry a$$ a$$ on the PC screen.
Maintain your R with your H as best you can in a way to be able to establish a coparenting pathway. As our family counselor says, "we want to try and turn this into a business relationship".
Do everything you need to do to protect yourself right now re: finances and anything personal of yours in the house.
Now...go back to bworl's posts and read them.....OVER and OVER again. I'm sure you know what I mean by this.
Hugs.
Supporting you.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
while I feel plenty for your personal experiences and for all who have experienced similar ...simply put, you are jaded in a big way man. hope you are able to undo it at some point ..you'd be a more complete you and you already are pretty darn complete.
be well
i exit stage left and return that which is not mine.
Thanks Tomato....no problem. Not jaded...reality based. There's a difference. Thumbs up. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
For what it is worth, I guess I am more jaded than FIB.....extremely well put. Reality is difficult to accept at times and we use all types of methods to try to escape it when it is not what we hope or pray for. At some point you have to help yourself....
At some point in this journey, it's sink, swim or get out of the water. I know I was DBing great guns but started seeing the wall of reality in July, August of 2008. I was 'ready' for the divorce, the legal aspect.. but.. but.. but.. I felt self conscious. Did I try enough? If I could accept the concept was I giving up when there was still a chance? What about my children, the concept of family?
My lawyer later told me what she shared with spouse's counsel.. That I didn't know how to pull the trigger. I couldn't do, wouldn't do it. In hindsight the divorce could have been finalized sooner rather than later. But I experienced what I was supposed to. By the time the divorce happened I was in a better place emotionally but still weirded out.
Jaded, experienced, tested... who knows.. but labels should not be applied. It's all part of learning, moving forward, getting healthy. The best part is not having the deep down anger, bitterness.. as I toddle toward healing.
It's not about who's right or wrong, who cheats or doesn't even though those are the springboards of separation. It's how the rope is dropped and the path that's followed.
I love how Maria moved forward in the midst of her horror, the sadness of the children. Her husband will probably paint it as more her fault than his (as my spouse did) but in the end, the kids know the truth, without being told.
Chin up Maria, send your spouse 'blessings'on your road toward healing. My first would be to wish him a bikini waxing.. okay, not the most forgiving thought but you have to start somewhere.
i suppose perhaps that part of that reality includes that putrid mantra that so many like to espouse that goes ..." life is just too short man..."
that goes over with me about as unwell as that stupid ..."it is what it is" . Or in other words just rubbish when you can't think of anything else to say. A space filler ..that to me engages not a single brain cell. The typical americano way.
Hi guys, I am a firm believer that we take/make the time we need. I have no regrets waiting for so long.
I am at my vacation spot. I spent 6 hours in the car silently SREAMING inside. It was a fun ride. I could sure use some time alone and without the kids.
My mom has gone ballistic. Called H, his father etc etc... My dad cries. He asked me to tell my mom to stop. She wont answer the phone.
I called FiL. Told him I cant control my mom. He said he loves me dearly and hates what his son did. He said I can count on him and just for the record, H told him he is history. After reading their mail it was obvious he was trying to cut it off but she was going nuts. He hasnt answered to any of her email for a few months but they have met again and again.
H is devastated. I told my FiL I wish him well and to be happy and content. But that for now, i need time, I cant forgive him.
I am not OK. I will not lie. FIB, I am not afraid. I still have a soft spot for "the man formerly known as H". Sorry if I disappoint you and John.
I dont know what you mean about Bill's posts. I will read them again.
My life hasnt changed. My future seems clearer now. K
