I'm having one of those days where I just want to smack H. He hasn't done anything wrong or right or anything. There's been some contact today via email. Just "blah the whole world could read these emails and be bored with them" emails.
I'm not sure why exactly, but I want to smack him. I think I feel like he needs to be doing more. Which means I'm just being greedy and ungrateful. So time for a chill pill. Or a sandwich and some broccoli salad. Going to work out pretty hard after work today and read until H and S get home from H's spin class.
This is H's night to be home with us. So I need to shape up. We're going to do one more chapter of the marriage fitness program. This one covers EA's and such and how to avoid them and how important it is to avoid them. Hope he gets something out of it.
Can I ask you what this marriage fitness program is and hoy your husband feels about it? I am just curious.
A sandwich and some broccoli salad? Really? Dont get me wrong I love a good broccoli salad, but not what I would go for to get me out of a funk. But thats just me.
Listen, you keep saying you get that its his journey. So, if you do, then its gotta be in own time.
Thats why detaching is so important, it stops you from looking at the clock so much.
I dont mean just GAL, I mean really stepping back and taking the focus off of h completely, ya know?
I know what you mean. And I know I'm having a hard time with it now because there's been so much positive lately. I do realize this is not my clock and really he's not in control of the clock either, but he's got some I think. I have gotten greedy and I just want something normal with him. I want him back home full time.....however, not just yet. I think another month of us physically separated is going to be a good thing. If we're still separated in three months, I'll be anxious. We'll see.
The program is a compromise. I really wanted to go see someone, but he REFUSED. So I found it online and it's an at home program. He doesn't really like it. I think it hits to close to home and he's always thought therapy is mumbo jumbo (but yet will compliment my therapist all the time and he's never met her, never will.) So instead of going to see someone, we're doing this instead. But after tonight, we're going to stop and just refresh and really put the best practices out of the program into effect. One of the things that has to be done....tabling the issues. We made of list of things we fight about and honestly, it's pretty much all OW related, so we tabled OW. Lately he's been bringing her up. I think he needs to vent about how he was treated and his anger related to it, yet he still talks to her and he says "it's to get rid of her....she still values my professional opinion and I've done everything to get rid of her short of packing her sh!t for her." Whatever. I want to table that again. I don't want to hear about it anymore and I wish he would cut off all contact, but that's not possible. Working 10 - 20 feet from someone....that's hard to do.
But while he doesn't like it, he's seen success with us through it. Things are much more comfortable and even fun with us now. And much of it has to do with what I've learned from DBing and that program.....much of it similiar when it comes to reconciling.
I would have rather have had a greasy Philly Cheesesteak and cheese fries with a big a$$ coke. For the record.
Long story short, he's tried again last night with the D conversation after he decided he's not sure he can give up certain things in life, like close friendships with other women.
I said if you can't then we are done.
The fight was a lot more detailed than that. He said he had the papers and mentioned AS HE'S SNUGGLED UP TO ME IN BED (WTH?) "I've had the papers for a while and for some reason, despite people telling me to give them to you, I haven't....doesn't that tell you something?" I said "H, you have to figure out what it tells you."
Rolled over went to sleep.
Despite knowing I shouldn't, this morning I asked him "Do you want to divorce?" He said "Are we really going to start our day with this?" I said "I can't go the rest of the day wondering about all of this.....I shouldn't have to anymore....I'm tired....Do you want a divorce?" He said "I don't know." I said "I can understand that. OK."
I'm going away this weekend and he's with S. This will be the FIRST weekend since this all started that he's going to be alone with S. Can you believe that? Did I let him eat cake or what? Man, I'm a schmuck.
But tell you what, we re-tabled some issues to not talk about anymore. I let him open the door to some of those issues, to talk about them again (including OW) because I knew he needed to vent, so I let him but we never properly shut the door on that and blah blah blah. So I shut the door this morning on those issues....esp. OW.
I have IC today. Thank goodness. I need it.
I won't see him until Sunday, when I get back. It's a girls weekend and man do I need it. I think that fight happened a good time so we can have some space, esp. for me without S. Love him so much, but Mommy needs a break.
And Mommy is going to pull waaaayyyyyy back because if she doesn't.....no one's going to be happy. I need a break.
Your H reminds me a lot of my H the first time around. Threatening D a lot, not sure if he can give up "friends" or if he should have to, even the coming back rather quick then not sure bit...
Do your best to let him work through this. It is all you can really do anyway and he has to figure it out. This is not any more fun the second time around, trust me on that one, and a lot more confusing. For everyone involved. But you have to keep your boundaries, no matter how much you want him back. If you don't, you will find yourself always questioning yourself and your marriage.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I am trying. At this point, it's a matter of sanity or not. He asked me to talk to my therapist about my "go to" when I'm upset, which he says is to become mean, vindictive and threatening. I talked to her about it. We are going to work on a few things but she said the same thing to me that I said to him, which made me feel better "For 8 months plus, you've really been through hell....what's he expect? Big smiles and thank yous for all of this?" She went on that he might have a point but he's not doing much in dealing with his role in all of my issues, anger and upset-ness. (That's not a word, I know, but you understand.)
So I'm still working on somethings for me. But I am going to take this break and I'm going to walk away for a few days and just not deal. I HAVE to. Pretty much at my emotional "are you kidding me?"
So, my therapist just called me. I love that woman, have I ever said that? She actually calls me when she has great thoughts to share with me....love that....and doesn't charge me either.
But I think she just saved my marriage or at least helped me to make a major improvement in myself.....
One of the things my H asked me to talk to her about was my temper....he wants to know what I can do about my "go to" which is to become mean, vindictive and threatening when I'm mad and we are fighting. I said Ok, if I am that way then I do want to make a change. I'll talk to her.
We talked about it and she said "If you are reacting that way then yes, we need to work on that. But I think Rob needs to cut you some slack here...for the last 9 months you've been in hell...how does he expect you to react all the time? With smiles and thank you for treating me like crap?" Did I mention I love her?
Well, she just called me and said "Look, you know H doesn't care for being yelled at. So we are working on that. But you also said you were bothered that he's trying to figure out who's been lying to him MORE....you or OW. Well, you can yell the truth at him all you want and be 100% honest.....but she can smile and speak sweetly to him....every word being a lie.....but guess what? He might be inclined to believe HER simply because she wasn't yelling. Stop yelling ADB....He'll hear you better when you're not."
Well, that's part of dbing. See, when you detach and have no expectations, you will find that your reactions change.
Also, part of dbing -change the things YOU dont like. If it bothers YOU that you have a temper, start to work on it.
If he continues to think that you are lying to him, part of that might be because your changes are not for you and he sees right through them.
Listen, I have told you before, if I could do one thing on here, it would be to give everyone a shortcut pass. I would wish that everyone would get what took me and others a looonngggg time to get.
And that is - if we take the emphasis off saving the marriage and off of our spouses and put it on us, we learn to detach. When we do that and we let go, that is when we have the most growth on this journey. And that is what all of us should strive for.
His confusion about "who's lying to him" is literal. It has nothing to do with my changes.
She has denied things and then lied about others. She sends me emails from an account "justsoyouknow@yahoo.com". We both know it's her, otherwise, it's H. Also she can text message from a desk top where it comes from 9909 and it can't be responded to. But she denies both. I have been with H when one of the text came in, so he knows it's not me.
Then there's a list of other things that are just tiresome to me now. But no, it has nothing to do with the changes in me, he's thrilled with those changes.
