Read your post on TIF's thread but decided to answer here. Boundaries with my H. Well, the animal thing for me is a mere annoyance in comparison. His answer was standard from twenty years about the comment I made about wanting one. Ok right now there are 4 plus the new one I want, but at one point we had 23 of varying kinds (I like all animals so..). They come to the door and never leave in most instances. So I can understand his need to not watch animal after animal move in but for me, well they are just a blessing. Sort of like kids. That is one thing I have to be grateful to H for regardless of anything else. If it were not for his desire to keep the numbers small, we would probably have 15 kids as well. LOL. So I will let that one go and get it when he becomes a little more receptive to the idea or moves out, whichever comes first. LOL.
The boundaries I have set here, and am still working on, have more to do with respect and my self worth. Interaction with H in the last year has gone from none post bomb, to spordic, talking when required, to me wanting some breathing room in the last few weeks. Not reconcilliation, but talking, spending time together (H initiated), and us actually learning things about each other after all of these years. And each one lately seems to be complete with some lesson for each of us, I don't really know if H is aware of it, but I am. When I say that, it is sort of like we are rewriting the rules of engagement. We each have patterns of speaking to each other that have created problems in the past because that tone sounds angry, that word means this to me, etc... We both have been making each other aware of those things all of a sudden and trying to be more considerate of how our simple words, tones, and assumptions make the other feel. For me, the biggest traps are falling into the feeling that anything that bothers him is my fault somehow and trying to fix and allowing him to punish me (or make me feel bad) for anything that is out of place, not exactly what I said it might be, or simply not what he thinks it should be. That usually leads to me getting upset because I know I wasn't bad or whatever, but I still feel bad, so I get upset, then the yelling would ensue. And my eventual apology for NOTHING. So I have stopped apologizing. I have gone within and figured out how not to feel "bad" for all of his aches and pains and for not being perfect. I have called him on his threats of moving out and D over the last year. Each time with a little more strength in myself (if that is what you want). When he tries to punish now (and I don't know about your H, but mine loves to wait for weeks to go by to tell you you did something wrong. I think sometimes it takes him that long to figure out how to tell me it bugged him and come up with reasons it was wrong). He actually tried this last week. I told him basically, what you chose to take from my words was that attitude of sarcasm but I was simply sharing information. And if something makes you feel that aggravated, tell me when it happens or don't bother to say anything anymore instead of waiting for two weeks to say something. Of course he will test that one for a while still. I'm not sure he is done testing the D one either. I just simply do not react in the same way I used to and because of that, he has tried different approaches to test those changes, and he is finding the door closed to most of them. Of course no one is perfect, and he has managed to get me to react, or begin to react in the old way a few times. I have been able to catch myself though. So I am really proud of me. The animal thing, that is more of a vindictive, being a b**ch kind of thing if I were to do it now than anything else.
FG, I too was suicidal at one point during this and crawling out of that pit was a major struggle for me, but as we both are evidence, it can be done. Yes I too am glad MIL is gone. Even with everything I have endured with H, her leaving brought great peace to my life, which is something I have not known. Yes I am still in many ways living with her still with H, but I can live with that. She tried to initiate contact again in the last six months after not hearing from her for a year and a half, and it was a bump in my road. I really had to evaluate my stand because to be honest, I was not sure if I wanted to be with H if she was a part of it. That was a difficult process for me as well. With a lot of prayer, I came to a point within me that I knew protecting my S from it was number one, and that I would not be more than cordial if I had to deal with her, and that if H chose that path, it was his and not mine and I told him as much. God has interceded and moved her 14 hours away just in the last month and her contact with H has been less than minimal. I know it hurts him but IMO, it is better for him in the long run.
I'm glad you are reading Zukav. I have read a lot of his books and others as well and I have always known that going within brings peace and connection, just didn't always walk that path myself. It is one of those life lessons I guess. Personally, I think that MLCer's, they are doing this in their own way. It isn't as rational or intellectual, reading books and whatnot, but I honestly think that they are searching. They just don't want to do it, or like what they are seeing so they run or avoid and really take the long way around.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
