Well, I realize my anger and blow up at my W did not change our status, it was just a release of built up anger. I am not sure if it pushed her further away, made her judge herself more, increased her guilt or all the above and then some. At one point while venting at my W, I told her to spread her wings and fly and find her happiness. I regret saying that even though that is where I have been pushed to feel. This month will be a whole year and pretty soon we will just be passing thoughts. At least, that is how it is starting to feel for me. I don't cry as much, I don't think about it as much and I have never had those mind visions of my W being w/ another man sexually. Thank God. All this time, and I have negated to bring up talk about our M. It is time to reassess my life and either move on and face reality or get some closure. I have done my best to be optimistic but reality is here and she isn't.
I am actually chicken picking; I had surgery on my dominant hand a little over a week ago. I called my W just to let her know about the surgery just in case there were any problems. She has text me often to see how I am doing, which left me a little shocked. I say that b/c when she called after my surgery to see if everything went ok, she asked who was driving me and I kind of positioned myself to get off the phone w/o answering the question. I knew that upset her b/c of her reaction upon the goodbye. Before I got off the phone w/ her, I jokingly asked her if she could sit w/ me and she said yes but that really went know where. Then a few days later she called but did not leave a message. I let a little time lapse and called her back and she said that she was calling to come over and cook for me. She did the same thing a few months back about going to the movies. It is not genuine b/c if it was something she really wanted to do, she would have left a message and she would make it happen.
I have decided to go back to school for my MBA, I figure it will be a time consumer and I will garner something in the process. This is still hard for me when it does cross my mind even though it has become easier day by day unless I run into a love trigger; another human condition. I remember reading in DR, the forum and other books about having a deadline for WHEN because it's not the best way to go about it. With that said, I have had many set deadlines in my heart and mind about how long is going to be too long. And even though I feel the way I feel, the love I have for her would make any deadline feel immature. It would just have to be a leap of faith. It's so crazy b/c I think she would just let this go on until she found herself needing to close the book on our M for her own needs. What is she waiting for? Is she enjoying the freedom at my cost? Or is she waiting for me to push the self destruct button?
