You certainly know how to make life work (going out, pulling away from here as needed) and reaching out as needed. Good for you!
On the legal front, in Connecticut a $7500 retainer is the norm, with an uncontested divorce using lawyers using less then that amount. Mediation is cheaper. Having a lawyer to review your mediation is worth the price to make sure it's fair.
If the lawyer says document everything.. document everything. If your spouse takes those items out of the house and you have no record of it, its value is gone. Taking books on divorce out of your library. They will tell you the in's and out's. A friend gave me "Congratulations on Your Divorce." which I could never open because of the title until just recently. That has a lot of timely info that is helpful in the pre-consideration, initiation, during and post divorce timeline. It's a whole other world.
Be sure to reach out for your true friends who listen and give you rock solid advice, even if a 2x4 is attached to it.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this pain.. but.. the best is yet to come.
Gypsy- I found that focusing so much on my sitch was making me utterly miserable. Honestly I got kind of dependent and it weirded me out.
When 25MLC disappeared, I took it so personally and was sifting through wondering what the hell I said that was "off" or what made me not worth the energy anymore.
Then I realized how insecure and pathetic it was for me to be relying on complete strangers to make determinations about me and my life and even my value. It really highlighted how little credit I give myself and my ability to cope.
So, I went through a little DB withdrawal and went through some more self-loathing, lonely, overwhelmed depression.
I got away for 5 days and really took some time for myself. Went from near suicidal to reinvigorated and my new outlook is truly that I can handle it. I saw myself 5 or 10 years from now if I keep operated from divorce=worse than death and it was awful.
I feel good. I don't have much attraction for H if any, I don't desire his company or to talk to him or ruminate or analyze, I just want to be sane and happy and functional.
So, in essence, even though much of this gets covered on here, we all must have reverence for each other's process. No one could cultivate this feeling for me. I had to truly hit bottom and see my kids as drug addicts and me in a ditch to digest what is at stake. And I think I'm lucky to have sunk so low because so many here will spend life feeling like something subtle but critical is missing because their spouse is gone. In my case it was so extreme that I can be vigilant about not succumbing.
It is just life. Not better or worse. I just can't do it anymore. The whole "my life would have been great if...but now I'll settle for plan B." It is MY life, the only one I have as far as I know and I am going to enjoy it, love, live, thrive and be my best self.
None of the logistical issues are any more settled than they were before. I just am insisting on breathing deeply, laughing, flirting, playing and exploring no matter what happens. That is my resolution.
Good for you, AAK. it is really hard to get perspective when you get the wind punched out of you. I guess I was wrong all those times I said that you seemed very self-aware and understood what was going on in your life. That's how it looked from the outside, but you were hiding your deeper feelings.
Yes, IKWYM. I am that way too. I can mouth the words, but my feelings can be totally out of control.
I'm seeing it today in my 18 year old niece, who was in love with a boy from her high school all this year. Now they are both going to college in a couple of weeks, and he dropped her completely. Says really ugly things to her. Claims he never loved her. The same stuff everyone here is dealing with. And she has never had it happen before. She is totally lost. Crying all the time. I tried to tell her that she will learn from this, that she will be stronger, and better off because it happened. But she thinks her aunt is a nutcase. Maybe you could pretend that you are 18 and have your whole life to look forward to, and are about to embark on a great adventure. And maybe you think I'm a nutcase too. But you've got to have hope for a better future. That's what drives all of us to get out of bed in the morning and try again for another day.
I just am insisting on breathing deeply, laughing, flirting, playing and exploring no matter what happens. That is my resolution... I can only hope that this is just a taste of the sweeter life that awaits because I am still in the thick of it and feeling good anyway.
Smiley's Person likes this. Smiley's Person likes this verrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyy much.
Yes, IKWYM. I am that way too. I can mouth the words, but my feelings can be totally out of control.
I'm seeing it today in my 18 year old niece, who was in love with a boy from her high school all this year. Now they are both going to college in a couple of weeks, and he dropped her completely. Says really ugly things to her. Claims he never loved her. The same stuff everyone here is dealing with. And she has never had it happen before. She is totally lost. Crying all the time. I tried to tell her that she will learn from this, that she will be stronger, and better off because it happened. But she thinks her aunt is a nutcase. Maybe you could pretend that you are 18 and have your whole life to look forward to, and are about to embark on a great adventure. And maybe you think I'm a nutcase too. But you've got to have hope for a better future. That's what drives all of us to get out of bed in the morning and try again for another day.
Obviously you can't tell her...she has to experience it. As a matter of fact, the more you tell her that, the more she thinks she is unique and has defend that it is oh so much worse than you can imagine.
As for me, no pretending here. I'm a balls out, straight up kind of gal. I'd rather face it head on and walk right through...
It isn't even hope anymore because I have no idea when this mess will be sorted out, it is a decision to be happy. That's all.
