Gypsy- I found that focusing so much on my sitch was making me utterly miserable. Honestly I got kind of dependent and it weirded me out.
When 25MLC disappeared, I took it so personally and was sifting through wondering what the hell I said that was "off" or what made me not worth the energy anymore.
Then I realized how insecure and pathetic it was for me to be relying on complete strangers to make determinations about me and my life and even my value. It really highlighted how little credit I give myself and my ability to cope.
So, I went through a little DB withdrawal and went through some more self-loathing, lonely, overwhelmed depression.
I got away for 5 days and really took some time for myself. Went from near suicidal to reinvigorated and my new outlook is truly that I can handle it. I saw myself 5 or 10 years from now if I keep operated from divorce=worse than death and it was awful.
I feel good. I don't have much attraction for H if any, I don't desire his company or to talk to him or ruminate or analyze, I just want to be sane and happy and functional.
So, in essence, even though much of this gets covered on here, we all must have reverence for each other's process. No one could cultivate this feeling for me. I had to truly hit bottom and see my kids as drug addicts and me in a ditch to digest what is at stake. And I think I'm lucky to have sunk so low because so many here will spend life feeling like something subtle but critical is missing because their spouse is gone. In my case it was so extreme that I can be vigilant about not succumbing.
It is just life. Not better or worse. I just can't do it anymore. The whole "my life would have been great if...but now I'll settle for plan B." It is MY life, the only one I have as far as I know and I am going to enjoy it, love, live, thrive and be my best self.
None of the logistical issues are any more settled than they were before. I just am insisting on breathing deeply, laughing, flirting, playing and exploring no matter what happens. That is my resolution.
