Many of you may have seen my other thread... "She Doesn' Love Me Anymore." All of the history is there... But tonight, as I was working in the yard, I had an epiphany... I had long felt a bit "undeserving" from this group because I have been married less than a year. I am 46 and this is my second marriage... 12 years after the mother of my children. Many of you have been married forever.. with children and that imparts a whole "nuther" kind of hurt on a marriage.

I am thinking about my young relationship and reflecting on the following:
1.) We had both been very unsuccessful in prior relationships/marriages.
2.) We were very lonely... But healthy. We weren't too desperate.
3.) We met on e-Harmony
4.) We fell in lust (but a whole lot of like) immediately.
5.) Referencing #4 so it doesn't sound so bad... We talked for a few weeks on the phone before we met.... and e-mailed. We were probably yearning for something we thought possible to make us happy.
6.) I LOVE her family which acually had an impact on my decision to be with her.
7.) Her children are bi-racial which definitely was a challenge to me, especially with their dad being involved.
8.) Regarding #7... Don't get too self-righteous... That is a challenge that many who judge may not know about...
9.) Once we were engaged... after three months... Of course we rationlized as we are "older" and "know what we want." I got rid of all my possessions (i.e. furniture that "we" didn't want, accessories. rugs, etc...) And we sold our houses and bought a HUGE nice home. One we can't individually afford.

SO...

Did we ever even love each oher? I think so, because I operate from a position of logic and reasoning.... I love her and I will be faithful and commited. She now says I don't love you... Which to me conflicts with ever having said or even feeling love. You can't feel the real thing and then "take it all back" in less than a year of marriage.

I'm almost thinking I should just throw in the towel and say so... I want to work on this, but I'm tired of dancing to her tune... And then I think about everything I just wrote and wonder if I just sound immature... I know feel conflicted.