Oh Ashlee.....honey I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible mess. I tried to think of something to say to you, but I kept deleting my posts. Nothing I say sounds right. You are in my prayers and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you Sandi. I need all the prayers I can get.
I'm at a loss. I am sitting here trying to think how I can describe my feelings at this moment. I can't. There are no words to describe the intense pain, hurt, humiliation...
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Tell me Ashley, what were his consequences for the second and third times he said/did this to you? What have been his repercussions so far?
Although it feels like it was ages ago, this latest little game H is playing began on Monday this week. That is when I got the text that he would focus on us and stop talking to her. Remember that? And I doubted he really meant it. Then comes last night (the fight) when I leave and come home hours later and H says he has decided to work on our M (if I am still willing to - so he says) and he will stop all contact. I gave him the boundaries, we talked for a long time and I thought we were, perhaps, making progress. I did not try to snoop at all today, figuring he will come to me to let me know the contact has ceased. And wham....here I sit.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
So, the consequences are, he has to endure a "fight" from you, and then he gets to come back home again.
Hmmmm.
It seems to me he keeps CROSSING your boundary. A boundary crossed, with nothing other than a "fight" as the consequence, really isn't a boundary at all. It's more like a "GeeIwishyouwouldn't."
So, the consequences are, he has to endure a "fight" from you, and then he gets to come back home again.
Hmmmm.
It seems to me he keeps CROSSING your boundary. A boundary crossed, with nothing other than a "fight" as the consequence, really isn't a boundary at all. It's more like a "GeeIwishyouwouldn't."
I'm at a loss here.
I was dead-set on setting an ultimatum/boundary then H starts with the 'wanting to work on things' talk. So, I put it off. I feel like I have barely had time to regroup. I wish I could just 'bounce back' in a heartbeat but alas, I can not. I am human. I am a woman. It's not that easy. I am in the middle of a nightmare, my nightmare, and at times I can't see straight.
I am trying to find my way. I am asking for help.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
And I'm trying to help you, Ashley. You don't have to do anything TONITE, or even necessarily tomorrow. Regroup, eat a pint of ice cream, down a bottle of wine -- whatever you need to do to pamper yourself a little. For 24 hours. But then get back up and figure out what you're going to do about this.
I'm sorry, I'm not big on the "oh, you poor dear" types of advice. Those don't help you.
You've got something going for you in that your husband's behavior seems to be entirely predictable. So take a day or two and figure out what you're going to say, and what you're going to do, the next time he does EXACTLY what you KNOW he is going to do.
Ashlee- I know all too well how it can happen a 3rd, 4th, 5th time. Because they give you hope with the promise it is over which is what you are wanting to hear so you believe it, even if it is with some doubt. At least he is saying it, he isn't saying no contact and then doing it anytway. I don't feel like I have alot of advise to give because I'm dealing with a similar thing and I don't think I'm doing it very well. But I want you to know you are not alone and you are not crazy to get "fooled" over and over because they are good at keeping our hope alive so we don't go too far. I am praying for you.
I wish I could just 'bounce back' in a heartbeat but alas, I can not. I am human. I am a woman.
One time when my grown D had something very painful to happen in her life, I made the mistake of telling her that she had to be strong for others. She said, “Mom, I’m so tired of being strong for others, please let me have just this one time…this one moment to be weak…and to cry". As women…we need to cry. Men are solution findera and problem fixers…..and we women will get there….after we have the cry.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I haven't chimed in b/c you are in far better hands than mine with Puppy and Sandi). I just wanted you to know I have been following your posts, and I, too, am praying for you. I know it has to be hard right now, but you WILL make it through this b/c you ARE strong.
