Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Gardener. Hop all is well (relatively speaking of course) with you.

[givingitmyall]

Just got the kids down to sleep, or should I say they are in bed.

Tonight was pleasant. I went for a workout, then came home and had dinner. W said she and the kids needed to run a few errands and I was happy to join them if I wanted to. The main errand was buying S9 new football and baseball (fall ball) cleats. That's my area, so I went.

W was quite chatty tonight. W was excited about a cake decorating class she asked me if she could take. As always, I said of course. She is really pumped about it. I gave her a stage to talk about it, let her do almost all the talking, maintained eye contact and asked a few questions to keep her talking about it. She really is excited about it (baking has always been one of her loves).

I was following Orich's posts today where Puppy and Gucci chimed in. I came away with the realization that whenever I have acted strongly (such as standing up to my W and calling her out on an important issue where she was wrong), she always ends up acting very positively towards me afterwards.

So, I am going to work on my not giving a cr@p attitude. Call it a flavor of detachment. I still love her (I think) but I can feel that waning a bit. I am still commited to working on the M, should she chose to do that. But, I will not leave my life on hold for her. I have to be my own person, and, as Coach says, choose to thrive, not just survive.

I actually used this attitude some tonight. Maybe it was just my mindset, known only to me. I was happy that W found something she could enjoy. I really am, but beyond that, I don't care.

Not sure if any of this is making sense. I just know I feel pretty confident right now. I still find it strange she can act so nice to me and then retreat to her separate bedroom when it's time for bed. Don't get me wrong, I am not sad, upset, angry. I just find it odd.

Anyway, slow and steady. We'll just have to see where it goes. In the meantime, I plan on having a good time.

[iwantittowork]

Darn nice work there GIMA, I think you are doing great. The fact that she is asking if she can take a class and excited to talk to you about it, sounds good.

Wished I had been as good as you earlier in my sitch, but can't beat myself up for that..

Choosing to thrive. An excellent viewpoint..

[Dia]

Hi, GIMA,

You are handling everything like a true pro. I'm proud of you.

Keep up the good work - it's paying off.

Dia

[givingitmyall]

Interesting wrinkle. Came home to go to meet and greet for kids' school. On way home, called a friend of mine (we'll call him M) just to check in - he has helped me through some rough times with my sitch. He starts telling me he is frustrated and fed up with his W. I gave him DR to read last week when he said he was starting to have concerns about his M. I gave him good advice and will check in on him later today.

So after picking up the fam, we head to the kids' school. My W says M called her yesterday with a "really weird conversation" about his M problems. M is the guy who without asking/telling me, called my W a day after the bomb to tell her she was wrong about wanting a D. Yes, that royally ticked off my W so I think, hope we're not headed down that road again. W tells me M asked to meet with her to talk about his M issues (M's W and mine are close friends). W tells me she told M that D was "tragic and sad.". So, I am waiting to see where this goes. I agree with W by just nodding my head. I said I had just spoken to M about this and that I thought there was a lot of work to be done by M and his W. That's all I said. The conversation then changed to something else.

I think I handled this the right way, and I don't think W believes I put M up to this - I didn't.

Question: do I tell W that if she meets with M, that's her deal and I have not put him up to this (if she thinks I want M to fish for info about my M). Or, do I just leave it alone?

Anyone have any other oservations of significance from this? Just strange.

[Dia]

Gut instinct here - leave this one alone and see where it goes. I think you handled it the right way, too.

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Dia.

I suppose my biggest concern is that my friend will undo some/all of my hard work if he leaves my W with the impression I put him up to this.

But, I cannot control that, although I will mention to him how delicate my sitch is and to tread very lightly.

[Coach]

My W says M called her yesterday with a "really weird conversation" about his M problems. M is the guy who without asking/telling me, called my W a day after the bomb to tell her she was wrong about wanting a D. Yes, that royally ticked off my W so I think, hope we're not headed down that road again. W tells me M asked to meet with her to talk about his M issues (M's W and mine are close friends). W tells me she told M that D was "tragic and sad.". So, I am waiting to see where this goes. I agree with W by just nodding my head. I said I had just spoken to M about this and that I thought there was a lot of work to be done by M and his W.

Why does M think your wife has insight for him that will be useful?
Do you think your wife is in a mentally and emotionally healthy place to be giving marriage advice?
Is this normal for them to talk about problems together?
Are these discussions going to be transparent with you?

Makes me wonder why your buddy thinks your wife has insight for him. I would suggest that you are the one he needs to be talking to.

Cheers
Coach

[givingitmyall]

I must be learning something b/c those are the same questions I just put to my buddy (before reading your post Coach). Buddy has agreed my W is ill equipped to offer that type advice and will not be meeting with W.

Not unusual for W to discuss something like that with him. Had my W not told me, I would not have known he even approached her.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA,

All of your accomplishments cannot be undone b/c it should have been all for your benefit anyways, not your W's benefit. YOU are the one who is becoming a better person b/c of your hard work. If you're doing this DB thing correctly, your W is simply a bystander in this process.

This DB thing alone will not bring back your W. Just ask Gucci. If it were simply a matter of self-improvement, your W would already be back with you. There's more to it...your W will eventually have to shocked into realizing that there will come a day where she can/will lose you. My W blinked when she finally realized this possibility.

There will come a point in time when your W will have to decide whether or not to begin the reconciliation process. This cannot go on forever! As I mentioned in a previous post, your heart will only endure so much before shutting down. Trust me on this one b/c I'm living it in my situation. My W and I have started the reconciliation process, but as we know, there are no guarantees...I'm not very optimistic.

You're doing a great job. Don't give up.
I'm pulling for you,
LFH