I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Thank you Serenity and Jeff

journaling..

What a day! A rollercoaster of emotions for sure.
I am sitting down to a nice late dinner. Today is actually the first day I have had breakfast, lunch and dinner. Go me!!

So I didn't pack up any ebay items yet. Instead, I cleaned my room. WOW is it dirty. The things you find when you clean.. haha. Maybe its just my room. LOL. So I was cleaning and cleaning and well, I was bound to find some sentimental items. I found the ring I have him when I went away on a trip to the Greek Islands with my friend. He loved that ring so much.. He wore it everyday, never took it off unless he was cleaning something and it might get dirty and he would freak if he lost it. I asked him why he left it because it meant so much to him and he said that he forgot it because he was in such a rush to pack up and leave.

I also found tons of photos of him. So I started to put everything of his into a box. I didn't want to believe that I had to pack everything of his into a box, for him to pick up. I never knew this would ever happen. Its so sad. I found a journal that he gave me. He wrote in it everyday without my knowledge and surprised me with it when I headed off to the Greek Islands with my friend. I wrote back to him in it everyday I was there. And now there are blank, empty pages, unfilled. So when he left, I wrote in it everyday...for awhile. Then I stopped because I lost hope. I am going to write one last love/goodbye letter to him - in a page between all the blank ones, and I'll pack it in with all his other belongings and if he decides to look through it, he may find it, he may not. Maybe years to come, he'll decide to look through it and find my love letter. Its something I want to do.

I also packed up some things I don't want to get rid of but I have to because it just pains me to have it here and I can't bear to throw it away. I'd rather have him throw it away for me. There's the little rubber ducky wellie shoes for the baby that we talked about having, even talked about names. I can't throw it away. I just can't. I'll give it to him. It might be easier for him to do it. Then there's the National Geographics that he collects for me. He spent so much time searching for old copies of NGs that were published on my birthday. He found 3. I've packed that away for him too.

There's loads more to go through. But those were the most painful ones. Its a good thing that I started packing his stuff. Its a sign that I'm really trying to move on. Ive left everything of his in place for 2 months, too scared to touch any of it, hoping that he would come back. But its time for it to go. Its time for a new beginning in my life. I will always have great memories of the past but I will not live in it. Right now matters. And thats why I made it a point to play loud, rockin music while packing his stuff away! It made the moment less painful.

Overall, despite my lows, I had a very productive day and I can manage to move around my room now haha. I've got A LOT of work to do tomorrow, I'm a bit worried I won't get it done. I have to pack 20 items, clear my HUUUUUUGE bookcase, and gather everything up to sell at the market. I might not be able to go on that nature walk with the girls on saturday. Everything seems to happen all at once. But I'm happy, its keeping me busy, that way I don't have time to wallow!