trying hard to figure things out

[twistfigure]

I am so glad I found this site. My H and I have had a rocky R for a few years due to his detached attitude and my borderline personality disorder. I found myself openly seeking his approval and getting depressed if he would not initiate sex with me b/c I felt he was rejecting me. I have alot of trust issues not because of anything he's done but b/c of my own insecurities with my weight gain due to sever depression. My husband told me 2 yrs ago he wanted us to get conseling but I didn't want to then and that's when I started medication. I thought everything was going fine then July 16th I got home from work and he wasn't there. He normally is home asleep since he works 1st shift. I called every hospital etc thinking something was wrong. Finally 3am he comes walking in drunk as a skunk and gives me the ILYBNILWY speech and says he needs his space.
We have always had issues b/c he puts his son above me but he says it's still not enough he can't be a father and a husband and he's too old to put up with my crap any longer. He's 37 and he says his life expectancy is only 50. I cried, begged, pleaded, bargained everything I could think of. He says he mind is made up and that is it. He said either I move out or he is moving out. We rent an apt and a friend offered to let me stay with her so I left July 17.
Since then I have tried to be civil but anytime I bring up us he says he's not willing to discuss anything- he's already given me his reason's and is not going to change his mind. All he wants to discuss is how to divide up our stuff. I told him I wasn't ready and he told me to quit being so dependant and get ready.
Yesterday while he was at work I went over with my brother and we moved all of my stuff. Part of me feels like a major B!tch fo rcleaning out my stuff without his knowledge but I just could not bring myself to walk trough the apartment with my H and seperate our lives. I just went and got everything that was solely mine and left him everything else. The other part of me is extremely proud that I has the courage to stand up for myself and not let him control how the seperation is going to go. I also cut off any bills that were in my name. So far I have not heard from him. I don't know if that's good or bad. I assumed he would be livid and I would get a email or something.
I really want to work things out but I am so tired of feeling like everything I am doing is wrong and needing his approval. Any advice is much appreciated.

[beepee]

Hi Twist:

First off, I'm very sorry to hear about your sitch, but very glad that you have found this place.

I'm quite new here too and I still don't know much and don't have that much advice to give but I do want to say a few things as I literally lost my breath reading your story because its eerily similar to mine.

I found myself openly seeking his approval and getting depressed if he would not initiate sex with me b/c I felt he was rejecting me. I have alot of trust issues not because of anything he's done but b/c of my own insecurities with my weight gain due to sever depression.

EXACTLY what happened with me. I suffer from severe depression and whenever he didn't initiate sex, I would feel like it was me, that he wasn't attracted to me because I had gained so much weight. I was very, very insecure with myself as a result of my weight, and also because he had cheated on me before I became depressed which made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I made a lot of mistakes by taking my own insecurities out on him, but I still felt like he shouldve made more of an effort to make me feel a little better about myself.

But I've learned, since being on this board, reading loads of books, and through C, that you cannot be in a loving and healthy relationship when you are not happy with yourself and do not love yourself. You are very similar to me and I know that you are unhappy with yourself based on what you have written. You need to start working on yourself, lose that weight (in a healthy way), start going out more often, GAL, and regain your confidence! My lack of confidence, insecurities, and neediness, I realize now, was not attractive to my H and would not be attractive to anyone! So get out there and do what makes you happy and things that will make you feel more confident about yourself.

My husband told me 2 yrs ago he wanted us to get conseling but I didn't want to then and that's when I started medication.

H begged and pleaded with me to go to C but I always refused and never wanted to go. I went on meds for only a month and then stopped because my insurance ran out. I'm on ADs now for my depression, have you been on ADs since then (2 years ago)? How is that working out for you?

he's too old to put up with my crap any longer. He's 37 and he says his life expectancy is only 50.

My H is 37 too, (I'm 25). He too, said that he was too old to live life with me and that I ruined his life and in the 4 years that he's been with me, he's gotten nowhere in life. He also mentioned that half of his life is gone and there's no point wasting it anymore and said that he used to feel young and being with me made him feel so old. Its heartbreaking, I know. But take what he says seriously. I am sure he's put you through crap too, you weren't entirely at fault, and please don't blame yourself at all. Examine the R and realise what you contributed that led to the downfall of your M, and work on that. The most important thing is that you work on your insecurities and depression so that you can live a happy life again.

I bring up us he says he's not willing to discuss anything- he's already given me his reason's and is not going to change his mind.

H said the same to me. BUT a huge saying here is Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does. He may say he's not going to change his mind but thats only how he feels NOW. people change. Work on you, show him what he's missing.

The other part of me is extremely proud that I has the courage to stand up for myself and not let him control how the seperation is going to go

Good for you!! Continue to be more courageous and your confidence will build up!

So far I have not heard from him. I don't know if that's good or bad. I assumed he would be livid and I would get a email or something

When was the last time you heard from him? He's bound to contact you again. I'm sure of it. I haven't heard from H in awhile and he sent me an email yesterday (even though it wasn't a good email, contact is still contact!). You have to be patient now, REALLY REALLY patient.

I know this is so hard, we all know. Right now, you have to let him go and work on yourself. Are you in counseling right now? If not, you should look into it.

Hang in there twist. This is just the beginning and its going to be a long road. We are all here for you and come back to vent, scream, cry, anything. This place is a great support and people will give you fantastic advice!

Remember, TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

[beepee]

"""But take what he says seriously."""

I meant to say, "DONT take what he says seriously." oops!

[twistfigure]

Thanks you so much for the kind words beepee. The medication has helped alot at first. I was on Lexapro up until three months ago when I felt like it wasn't working anymore. Then my doc switched me to Wellbutrin and I cried all the time. Now I'm on Zoloft and it is really helping. Obviously with changing medications during the last couple of months I have been more emotional due to all the chemicals swimming around in my body.

[beepee]

I'm on Wellbutrin at the moment (been on it for almost 2 months) and it has helped a lot with my energy levels. But thats mainly it.

Good to hear that you found something thats working for you right now. Are you in Counseling?

[twistfigure]

Not yet, my work offers a free program so I'm trying to decide if I want to do that.
I haven't talked to him in a few days. Like I said he works 1st shift so usually he is home early and goes to bed early. Since I left he has taken up smoking again and is going out drinking serveral nights a week. When I went to clear out my stuff yesterday I saw he had gone over the weekend and bought a bunch of new clothes so I am beginning to suspect he's going through his MLC.

[beepee]

I think if its free, you should definitely take it, check out who is available and make sure you feel comfortable with them before sticking with them. C has been great for me. And since it's free for you, it couldn't hurt right?

My H has been smoking and drinking more too since he walked out on me but he's quit and I think he's trying to turn his life around. Not sure what he's up to but I too, feel like he's in a MLC. If your H is, not much you can do but let him ride it out, I think.

Hang in there *HUGS*

[twistfigure]

I am having such a hard time not snooping on my husband but I can't help but look for answers. I went through our phone records and noticed a number appearing often over the last couple of months late at night and long conversations. I asked him about it and he said it was a co-worker but I called it and someone named Tiffany answered. I told him I knew about Tiffany and he said" You never trusted me anyway so why should I explain myself now. You won't believe me anyway." I look at his desk today ( we work in the same building, diff shifts) and there is a receipt for dinner Sunday(the same day he bought new clothes) at Red Lobster. He never wanted to go shopping with me and never went to Red Lobster with me in the 10 years we were together. The reeipt was for 2 entrees a kamakazie which is his drink of choice and a Bahama Mama- obviously a female was with him. So now I'm wondering if maybe he is really cheating.

[twistfigure]

Reading over other posts I realize I have so far to go. We really have only been living seperately for 3 weeks and everything happened so fast. We haven't spoken in 2 days and already it feels like forever. I'm trying hard not to contact him to act as if I am doing fine on my own. I just wonder if he will contact me. He is completely detached. Even during the marriage he showed no emotional and was a self described "stubborn a-hole" Again thanks for listening.

[beepee]

Hi Twist:

I know this is hard but stop snooping. Its self destructive. You're only tormenting yourself, honestly. I did the same thing and it gave me nothing but unnecessary heartache. Don't confront him with anything either, it only pushes him further away from you. Right now, you really have to just let him go.

He will contact you, don't worry. He's your H, he will contact you but not just yet. You have to continue working on GAL and enjoy this time away from him. Learn something new about yourself, go out, have fun with your friends. You have to reach that point where you will be OK without him.

And keep it up with the no contact. If anything, in awhile, he'll be curious as to why you havent contacted him and who knows, he might call you and ask you whats up.