trying hard to figure things out

[beepee]

Hi Twist:

First off, I'm very sorry to hear about your sitch, but very glad that you have found this place.

I'm quite new here too and I still don't know much and don't have that much advice to give but I do want to say a few things as I literally lost my breath reading your story because its eerily similar to mine.

I found myself openly seeking his approval and getting depressed if he would not initiate sex with me b/c I felt he was rejecting me. I have alot of trust issues not because of anything he's done but b/c of my own insecurities with my weight gain due to sever depression.

EXACTLY what happened with me. I suffer from severe depression and whenever he didn't initiate sex, I would feel like it was me, that he wasn't attracted to me because I had gained so much weight. I was very, very insecure with myself as a result of my weight, and also because he had cheated on me before I became depressed which made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I made a lot of mistakes by taking my own insecurities out on him, but I still felt like he shouldve made more of an effort to make me feel a little better about myself.

But I've learned, since being on this board, reading loads of books, and through C, that you cannot be in a loving and healthy relationship when you are not happy with yourself and do not love yourself. You are very similar to me and I know that you are unhappy with yourself based on what you have written. You need to start working on yourself, lose that weight (in a healthy way), start going out more often, GAL, and regain your confidence! My lack of confidence, insecurities, and neediness, I realize now, was not attractive to my H and would not be attractive to anyone! So get out there and do what makes you happy and things that will make you feel more confident about yourself.

My husband told me 2 yrs ago he wanted us to get conseling but I didn't want to then and that's when I started medication.

H begged and pleaded with me to go to C but I always refused and never wanted to go. I went on meds for only a month and then stopped because my insurance ran out. I'm on ADs now for my depression, have you been on ADs since then (2 years ago)? How is that working out for you?

he's too old to put up with my crap any longer. He's 37 and he says his life expectancy is only 50.

My H is 37 too, (I'm 25). He too, said that he was too old to live life with me and that I ruined his life and in the 4 years that he's been with me, he's gotten nowhere in life. He also mentioned that half of his life is gone and there's no point wasting it anymore and said that he used to feel young and being with me made him feel so old. Its heartbreaking, I know. But take what he says seriously. I am sure he's put you through crap too, you weren't entirely at fault, and please don't blame yourself at all. Examine the R and realise what you contributed that led to the downfall of your M, and work on that. The most important thing is that you work on your insecurities and depression so that you can live a happy life again.

I bring up us he says he's not willing to discuss anything- he's already given me his reason's and is not going to change his mind.

H said the same to me. BUT a huge saying here is Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does. He may say he's not going to change his mind but thats only how he feels NOW. people change. Work on you, show him what he's missing.

The other part of me is extremely proud that I has the courage to stand up for myself and not let him control how the seperation is going to go

Good for you!! Continue to be more courageous and your confidence will build up!

So far I have not heard from him. I don't know if that's good or bad. I assumed he would be livid and I would get a email or something

When was the last time you heard from him? He's bound to contact you again. I'm sure of it. I haven't heard from H in awhile and he sent me an email yesterday (even though it wasn't a good email, contact is still contact!). You have to be patient now, REALLY REALLY patient.

I know this is so hard, we all know. Right now, you have to let him go and work on yourself. Are you in counseling right now? If not, you should look into it.

Hang in there twist. This is just the beginning and its going to be a long road. We are all here for you and come back to vent, scream, cry, anything. This place is a great support and people will give you fantastic advice!

Remember, TAKE CARE OF YOU!!