Hi everyone, I have been reading posts for a couple of days and decided this is where I need to be with people who understand. From my name you can guess I am in Australia.
My story is been married for 24 years this November, together for 26 years. S22, D18.
Life has had its ups and downs but has been I believe pretty good. We always had fun and were a great team at home until...
I got sick in March, had urgent surgery to fix and blocked artery in the heart which turned out to be hereditary. After that friends said I changed, I wanted to live life, not just work to pay debts and just scrape through, I wanted to travel etc and though H would love that too. He has always had to earn good money to keep our lifestyle, I thought he would be happy to have the pressure taken off. He even agreed that the material stuff doesn't bring happiness.
Within a couple of months, I noticed that he had started to withdraw from me, very rarely initiated sex, no longer kissed me when he came home, stopped calling me by my pet name, which we both had done since the day we met. He was going away with mates more with his jetski and no longer asked me to go with him. He would also just up and leave on a Friday after work to go away by himself, no warning, just bam gone. All through this I never nagged, complained or begged him to go. I was used to his going out with mates every weekend anyway skiing or motorbike riding as he has done that all our married life, he just upped it by going for a whole weekends nearly every weekend.
I had in this time since I got sick, began to lose the excess weight I had put on and began to look like when we first met, I was going to the gym with a personal trainer and I began once again to really take an interest in how I looked, not that I let myself go, I just found I never had that much time. But I began to make time, doing things that made me feel good. H commented one evening that I was looking the most radiant he had ever seen me in our entire life. I had also started going out with friends, just to the movies, lunch and shopping. Yes, we all work but part time.
Then he says it, I don't know if I want to be married anymore, don't know what I want, I have to go away and think. He did, and contact was minimal, our D was devastated. S is in the airforce and lives away from home, he was extremely angry with H. H stayed with a friend, who said he sat there on the couch with a glazed over look in his eyes.
He came back a week later, asked me to have dinner, said he wanted to be with me, loved me, couldn't not be with me, we talked for hours about issues he had with the marriage and we agreed on solutions. All was great for a week or so.
Then the withdrawing again, no touching, no talking, nothing. He announces he is going away for a weekend skiing, I said okay have fun in an upbeat tone.
He came home and once again, couldn't keep his hands off me, said the way I looked he would have to fend of other men, loved me, had to be with me ....
That was 3 weeks ago. The loving lasted about 3-4 days, then it started again. H had an overseas work trip to Denver, he has just come back, no real hug, no real communication whilst he was gone.
In the time he was away, I went out with friends, dinner, movies, shopping with D. He announced to me on Monday night that he doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore, all confused he says. H is always tired, as soon as he hits the couch, he is out like a light.
I have stopped being the one to initiate conversation as I was tired of just one word answers, a look or just a nod or shake of the head. I have remained upbeat, still doing normal things in house, cooking dinner, making his breakfast and lunch. But I have also continued to go out during the week to the gym and with friends - went to the movies last night. H asked me this morning what movie I saw and how was it. First thing H has said to me in 2 days.
I wrote him a letter on Tuesday, expresing my feelings and other stuff, not sure if that was the right thing to do or not.
I don't think there is an OW, he says there isn't, but for some reason he has taken to hiding his car keys. But he does not come home any later and has not changed any other habits.
I plan to order the books today and to sign up for a phone consultation but in the meantime, really need some advice as to if I just keep going as I am. We sold our house as we had bought land and were planning to build a new one, we are due to move out in 3 weeks and I am panicking, because I don't know if that is when he will take the chance to move out.
I am doing the right thing waiting for him to talk, do I keep doing his dinner and lunch and breakfast, washing his clothes etc? We are still sleeping the same bed, but I no longer try to initiate sex as he is not interested and has a few times pushed me away.
Funny thing is on his trip to Denver, he came back with some lovely lingerie from Victoria Secret and perfume for me, I just don't get it. I don't understand why he is doing this, it is just like he woke up one day and wham. A good friend thinks he couldn't cope when I got sick because I couldn't do the normal daily things for a while that I always did.
He still hugs me and gives me a kiss and a squeeze before he goes to work each day and says see you tonight. I am so confused.
His phone is provided by his employer and so they get the bills, I never see them.
The firs time he came back, part of his problem with me was that I didn't have a life of my own and wanted me to go out more. He also complained as I did everything in the house he didn't feel part of it, said he wanted to cook dinner, or wash or whatever. So I start going out with my friends. If I ask if he wants to cook or help with dinner etc. he has an excuse why he doesn't want to it's like jekyll and hide and then I don't know if I am doing the right thing or wrong thing by asking.
The problem is I don't know where he puts his key at night when he comes home. If I go into the bedroom when he is getting changed now, he will be suspicious of me, as I have stopped greeting him at the door and we no longer chat about the day whilst he is getting changed like we used to. I have also being trying so hard not to snoop, but the temptation is so great.
Just to add a quick note, just spoke with D who said H was bewildered that I had gone out last night to the movies, asked if I had gone to the movies and what time I would be home, D replied, she didn't know. She said it was funny the look on his face, he had the dinner I had left, sat on the couch for 1/2 and hour and then was in bed by 9.30pm which he never does. She said she felt glad that he seemed to be so shattered that I was not there and proud that I hadn't sat at home waiting for him. I don't plan on getting too excited but will keep going with my GAL.
There is so much info on this site and it is great to read that I am not alone and it isn't my fault all of what is happening.
Please don't get the wrong idea of me anyone, I have spent the entire years of our marriage waiting on H and he spent all his time, doing all the things he enjoys, sport, gym, anything you can think of, I put my life on hold and made sure the kids were tended to, house clean, clothes washed and meal ready when he came home, everything.
Through serious illness I was there, then when I needed help he wasn't there for me, when I decided that life was short and we needed to enjoy our lives together and do the things we always wanted to only sooner, that's when it seemed to go wrong. The problem is, all his complaints were about me, it is all my fault. I felt the life was being sucked out of me. I love him dearly and my heart is breaking. I really need guidance. It has taken a lot of strength to not show what his actions and words are doing to me. All I want to do on a daily basis is lay down and die, but I can't.
What do I do tonight, I don't have plans to go out, I don't know if he is coming home or not for dinner. The usual was for him to go to the pub after work, then come home and we would go to dinner, but now what, do I sit and wait, do I just make some plans and go out! My mind is in constant turmoil trying to work out the right and wrong things to do.
On a good note I went to our Borders Bookstore this morning and staring at me was one copy of DB. I grabbed it and plan to sit down after and start reading. No other shop in Melbourne has it, I couldn't believe my luck, fate I think, it was a spur of the moment decision to go the bookshop just to see.
Please don't get the wrong idea of me anyone, I have spent the entire years of our marriage waiting on H and he spent all his time, doing all the things he enjoys, sport, gym, anything you can think of, I put my life on hold and made sure the kids were tended to, house clean, clothes washed and meal ready when he came home, everything.
Well, that's where you should start, right there. I think he probably loves you, but he doesn't respect you, and this kind of lack of balance isn't healthy.
When was the last time you did something for YOU???
Just to add a quick note, just spoke with D who said H was bewildered that I had gone out last night to the movies, asked if I had gone to the movies and what time I would be home, D replied, she didn't know. She said it was funny the look on his face, he had the dinner I had left, sat on the couch for 1/2 and hour and then was in bed by 9.30pm which he never does. She said she felt glad that he seemed to be so shattered that I was not there and proud that I hadn't sat at home waiting for him. I don't plan on getting too excited but will keep going with my GAL.
There is so much info on this site and it is great to read that I am not alone and it isn't my fault all of what is happening.
That is so cool. I am proud of you. Don't be predictable.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
H had not rung all day, I did not call either. Friends asked me out to dinner, so I went, now usually H goes out drinking Friday night then comes home about 8.30pm wondering what we are doing for dinner. He called me at 7.00pm and asked what we were doing, I said I was out with our friends for dinner, he said he would join us. He did not acknowledge me when he arrived and the only conversation has been him asking if I have spoken with our son today. Apart from that nothing. I just find the behaviour so hard to deal with. Should I continue to not strike up conversation and let him do it???
