I don't really care what he is doing now or how he is feeling. His path was laid out in front of him with every decision he has made over the past three years. I do know from failings of my own in my youth that it is absolutely terrifying when your house of cards begins collapsing around you. At the same time, somewhere inside of him he has known that this day was coming, and he has likely dreaded it for some time.
I'm glad that he never managed to convince you that he was ready to come home. I'm glad that he never completely gave in to the charade that he could live with you and continue to pretend that none of these things had actually happened.
And I'm sorry that you perhaps missed the chance of discovering a true love not so long ago. Perhaps we can chalk it up to the winds of fate, but I'm sorry for you both all the same.
I would suggest that your children should not be allowed to think forever that Mommy and Daddy simply couldn't get along. I imagine they are a bit young to be told more right now, but I do believe that he needs to explain in some way to them that he abandoned the marriage, even if he feels the need to also say that he made a mistake when he did. You simply do not deserve to ever have your children come to believe that you are the one who refused to try to make things work.
I believe it was Alber Camus who said that not being loved is simply a matter of bad luck; that not having ever loved is great misfortune. One we can do nothing about. The other we can always control. It is clear from your posts and your interactions with others that the capacity to love is deep within you, and I know you will have that chance again. As for your husband and the way he has treated you - well, I'm sorry that your luck was bad on that one.
I encourage you to process and feel everything that is running through your mind and heart right now. Let it wash over you, wrestle with it, grieve over it. And when you are done, I encourage you to put it away.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
