desperate...

[1853dave]

Hi Moto,

I still can't get over the RO thing....that you guys can call each other, text each other, see each other.... In my case, it was strictly NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. Period. If I saw her drive by in traffic, and I were to wave, then she could have pressed the issue that I was communicating to her, and I could have been arrested for a RO violation. Seem far fetched??? Maybe, but this stuff happens, as innocent as it is.

So, you need to hang in there, and use your contact time effectively. She sent you a smiley face??? Holy cow, that's playful and somewhat personal. If she was totally avoiding you, she would be much shorter and strictly to the point.

Keep giving her space, do NOT hound her in any way, and don't panic! I know things aren't great right now, but there are still a few signs that seem to maybe indicate that she's not 100% sure she wants you totally out.

How did I deal with the RO? My RO was a lot more stringient than yours, it seems, and I had no contact at all with W. None. So, all I could do was to take it one day at a time. I hate that term, but that's all I could do. Just get through the day, and then then next...and eventually some time has elapsed, and you can look back and see how things are probably a little bit better than they were before...

Now, pay attention to this part - because we are ALL guilty of this: STOP worrying about what she's thinking. STOP trying to figure her our. I think there's very little to gain by this, and chances are you will just end up being reactive to her actions and words. Talk is very cheap - of couse everything is YOUR fault. We ALL know everything is YOUR fault. Guess what? Everything was also MY fault, and Puppy's fault, and fill-in-the-blank's fault. As Puppy Dog says, it is all script. It took me a while to learn this. This is a very common pattern, and it is uncanny how you can read Michelle's books and read almost verbatim what your W is going to say! It is almost as thought there's a WAW class they all take, because the patterns are almost predictable. I have read a lot on the forum that tell us that the WAW or spouse is also very confused and scared, and that her brain is awash with chemicals....

So, it is up to YOU to try to become a better person. My W said I was often in a bad mood. I don't think I was, but that doesn't matter - it was her perception, her reality. So, I changed my mood. I learned to be happier with things, with myself. I learned to be more lenient and patient. Life then got a little easier for me - which in turn made me happier still... Even if I didn't feel like being chipper, I'd act "as if..." - and that really seemed to work for us. She also said I was controlling. Again, I didn't think I was at all, but her personality is to be very passive...so over time, I tried to position myself so that she could feel that she had some say in things - and I'd also ask her advice on things, and sometimes seek her support - all 180's for me. I think you can do some of this when you pick up or dropp off your D, as there will be scheduling issues, etc., which will need to be agreed upon.

I was also cheerleading, and complimenting her to help built her self esteem. Nothing insincere, but I was keeping my eyes open for opportunities.

There are no tricks, but there are behaviors which you can identify which will benefit your relationship, and which will hurt your chances. Listen to her, and identify what it is (as subtle as they may be) that you need to change in yourself, because you can only change yourself. Hopefully she will respond in kind and unconsciously (or consciously) make some changes herself.

I am no expert with this, but I have been doing this for a while, and I have made some mistakes, but I am finally seeing some softening in my W. My DB counselor asked me today what I thought I would attribute my success to... I told her that I was not pressuring her, I did not corner her, I kept the conversation friendly and I acted always in a friendly, good mood. I would at times offer help, and let her decide whether to accept or not (letting HER choose) and I also found that if I gave in a little, that she'd also give a little. All of this, and giving her space.

OK, I wrote a lot, but the bottom line is 'actions speak louder than words' - and this applies to both you and your W. Stop trying to figure her out, because you won't (I know, easy to say, hard to follow), don't panic, try to do something - whatever it is - to make yourself just a little bit happier each day - visit with friends, go see that movie you've been putting off, go to the gym and start working on yourself, go out and do something for yourself... some "me" time.

Take care of yourself... Hang in there, and don't panic. We've all rowed this boat before.