I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Thanks everyone, unfortunately I didn't read all of this before sending a reply and I'm so regretting it.

I told him that I'm sorry that I couldn't help him out and hopes that he can find another way to stay here.

I told him that I hope he finds happiness in life and that I missed him too and that he deserves happiness no matter what he says and that I don't expect to hear back from him again and that its ok, so long as he is happy.

And I got really depressed and deleted every single email from him, that I sent to him, and any email that had his name in it. Because I didn't want him in my mind anymore. But I don't know if its working. I have a habit of getting rid of everything from my past that has hurt me. Like his love letters, I ripped them all apart. I deleted every single photo I have of him on my laptop, I ripped and threw away every single picture I had of him, I'm continuing to sell everything he gave me and anything that reminds me of him. I do this with every other boyfriend I've had in the past.

I don't think this is healthy. I just feel like if I get rid of everything, all the bad memories go with it. But that may just be me running away and not truly, truly allowing myself to feel the pain and move on in the right way. I don't know. I'm so confused. But H means sooooooooooo much more to me than anyone else, there is absolutely no comparison at all. And I don't want to be rid of him. But I'm going back to old habits and ridding myself of memories. Even though there were a lot of bad memories, there were a million good ones too. And I have nothing to show for it because I always throw everything away. I've basically deleted him from my life --- but not from my head, which is the hardest place for him to be.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm babbling. My mind is so wrecked right now. I feel so lifeless. I'm doing things today that I need to do to keep myself busy, but I don't do it with any passion or feeling. My hands are moving, my body is moving. But I don't feel any of it. I have had moments today where I've been packing items and in the process of doing it, actually forgot what I was doing because my mind constantly goes blank.

I'm so mad at myself for emailing him back because now I'm torturing myself over whether or not he will respond. Even though I said it was ok that he didnt contact me again, I didn't mean it, I just wanted him to think that I would be ok without him, but right now, I'm certainly not.

I feel like emailing him telling him I couldn't help him and asking him to get his stuff is pushing him even further away. So I felt that I had to email him back to prevent pushing him away but I know its not working. I want to hold onto him so bad and when he ends an email telling me that he misses me, I want to grab onto him even more. Does he really miss me? Or is he trying to get me to change my mind? I don't know. There's no point in trying to figure out the truth.

I have lost hope that we will reconcile. I know this is a defeatist attitude but I feel so beat down that I don't know if I can handle this anymore. Its just so easy to give up and run away. But that's what he is doing to me. I don't want to do the same, I know how it feels like to have someone you love so much give up on you. But I don't think he loves me so I feel like giving up on him wouldn't be a big deal to him anyway. He wants me to move on without him. I know I have to. But I'm going to miss him every single day.