Hi all, Thanks for your kinds words and advices...i've been reading others and seems a few similar situations.
He was not having an affair when he left, just the fighting and anger built up over the yrs - many small resentments - just got to us. Initially i thought time apart might be ok too, but i've come to realize how much I love and miss him, and he the opposite, feeling he is now happier on his own.
He has gone on a few dates and is 'interested' he told me (i dont know if in someone specific or just dating), but he's definitely been w other women since our separation.
I've tried to detach but did end up somewhat pleading w him to do retrouvaille before he left on his trip (back end of Aug). I have not spoken to his family or friends throughout this ordeal, but have thought about reaching out to his one friend who was our best man. I wanted my H to know I truly love him and have done a lot of soul searching across past several months, and have no doubts about my love for him and also working on my anxiety which did pose a problem in our marriage.
I would love more than anything in this world to have him give us another shot, not close the door...but how do you open someone up to that if they have closed down? There was so much good there at one time. I think Retrov. might be my only hope?
What else can I do? I feel so sad. Some days are stronger some are tough. In my initial post it probably sounds like i'm taking on more of the blame here (my fam and friends think I am blaming myself way too much), as my husband did have a temper and also did and said some very hurtful things near the end. He also never voiced issues that I later felt were issues for him. He was passive in many ways throughout our marriage, and many times when I gave him the opportunity to 'step up to the plate' he did not. I know it takes 2, but I am willing to forget and forgive and give this another chance. He says he can forgive, but things said and done in the past 'are still there' and he does not know he can get over them (things said that he construed as put-downs, and other little things built up over the years). I know I did things wrong, but I also think he was overly sensitive about certain things. Communication/interpretation issues basically, and growth, since we met so young and still in our 20's did a lot of growing. How to start over when there is baggage (but nothing of the serious infidently kind...mostly just unkind words said in the past, and acting out on both our parts)??
I love him and am not ready to give up on our marriage, but it is also draining me so much. I feel betrayed and abandoned, and just lost and alone. Scared for the future, regretting the past, blaming myself. Qualities he initially loved about me came back to bite me. He also has issues with his own family that I think played into our marriage (we all have baggage in this respect), but I do not think that is reason to break up a marriage. All little things, I think.
Can Retrouvaille help couples to see beyond this hurt and anger? Start anew? It sounds like such a wonderful program, but I don't think my husband is willing to go. He hasn't flat out said now but said he's not interested and doesn't want me to go with false hopes.
I am also confused about the DB approach. I was not as affectionate and loving as my husband would have liked in my marriage, so my 180 would be to do more of that...which I have tried many times since we've seen each other. However i feel like i'm in more LRT-mode, where we're already separated and he says he wants a D. So I should not do the 180 of being more 'demure/wifely/whatever' but pull back regardless? Just confused how to approach this.. ? Help!
