My first SSM thread

[Bagheera]

Greetings, Blue;

In reading your post, I can see many things that your husband has done wrong, and is currently doing wrong in your relationship, particularly if he wants an improved sex life with you.

So my first question is: if I were to suggest a book or two for him to read, would he read them? or would he resent your making such suggestions? How willing is he to educate himself on men, women, relationship, and sexuality -- all in the name of forging a better relationship with you?

For your part, the most prevalent undercurrents that I see in your post are your anger and resentment towards your husband:

* anger over the two testicular infections,
* anger over your initial housing situation (or lack thereof),
* anger over the long separations required by his career,
* anger over being abandoned following an argument,
* anger over his affair,
* anger over his current inability to romance you or meet your needs for emotional intimacy.

And I can say that before you will ever be "sexually available" to your husband, this high level of anger and resentment will have to be addressed FIRST.

One way of beginning to lower your focus on past hurts and disappointments is to begin a GAL (get-a-life) campaign and focus your attention and efforts on YOU, for now. It is only when you feel secure and happy within yourself, for yourself again, that you can truly reach past these old hurts and begin to bring *him* into your intimate life again.

I would also strongly recommend further Marriage Counseling for the both of you, with a *pro-marriage* counselor this time around. You both need someone to vent to and who can help guide you in your efforts to reconnect with each other again. I don't think this is something that you can do on your own.

Just my first thoughts about your situation...

-- B.