d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

I think I should be nicknamed - queen of weed control !! Did more yard work last night, pulled weeds my goat was just tickled. She didn't have to pull out of ground, she just ate what I pulled. Worth a laugh anyway.

XH dropped D4 off at usual time, she went runing over to me because I was on lawn mower. She loves to "drive" the lawn mower. XH didn't say anything to me and I didn't say anything to him. He slowly drove down the street as D4 and I were driving mower. That's what he used to do with her.

I'm feeling pretty good, but strange. Divorce was to be for August 1 (saturday). We didn't have to show up this time. I still don't know 100% for sure if it went thru. I checked the web site and shows case - open. I don't know how long it takes for them to get it entered into the system.

I'd call my lawyer but she charges too much. I just think that any day I'll get something in the mail.

Thoughts still pop into my head that maybe he'll come back someday. I just don't know right now how to treat him. I do feel angry and hurt with divorce done. I already miss texting with him. Even though it wasn't always the greatest but it was contact with him.

Should I just leave him alone? I don't text him at all, and he only texts me when he's on his way home with D4. I find that alittle funny. He has to have her home at a certain time, it's in the papers. He doesn't have to tell me he's on his way. I know he'll be there and I'm always at home by then. I used to answer him, now I don't. I could see if he would be hour late or ? but he lives with his parents and they are 8 minutes away from my house. Just a little strange.

I thought at one time he might be coming thru his issues. But then I realized he's only cycling around again. Pretty soon his "winter" depression will start. (usually october) He has suffered with that since I've known him. This year will be interesting for sure.

I almost wish he'd hit bottom so we might get a new chance at our life. After all of his lies I don't know how it will happen.

I know he's involved in some bad stuff right now. Got mixed up with 2 (not the greatest) guys from his work when he went on 1st shift last october. That was it, our R really went down hill after he met them.

I've never been in a strip club but I don't ever want to. That is my own decision. But we only have 1 other bar in our small town and then strip club came to town. My XH is now seen in the neighboring small town with the owner of the strip club.

I remember him "conducting" business on his cell phone a while back. D4 was being consoled from him after a nightmare. He went in her bedroom, his phone rang and I heard a 1 sided convo. over baby monitor. I know he's involved in either drug transport or pimping for this club owner. Just by what was said.

To some people it's not a big deal. But he was strictly a small time country man. Helped everyone out, stayed close to home, never went on trips. Very rarely if ever talked on his cell phone. Well his convo. was very odd to say the least. I could smell a rat for sure.

And yes, I still care about him and love him. But I also know that it is his life. He told me he gave up everything for me. but he would never tell me what "everything" was. The things he gave up was his heart and soul, and he didn't give that to me, he sold them to the devil.

Thanks for letting me ramble !!!!!!