Divorce not busted 2

[pigskin]

Between the DR book and these forums, I've noticed that there seems to be conflicting advice at times. Maybe I'm not interpreting things correctly, but I think the "one size does not fit all" comment a few posts back may be accurate.

You're supposed to detach, you're supposed to not ask questions about the R or EA/PA or OW/OM. But then you're not supposed to "put up with it", "How long are you going to let it go on?", etc.

The DR book seems to recommend trying things and then doing a status check on how you think they are working. If they are not working (assuming you've set some goal/standard by which to judge them) you do something else. But sometimes doing something else will get you reprimanded on these forums, since there seems to be a "one size fits all" assumption.

It's a very tricky line to walk, in my mind. Just because some actions may be generally considered "pursuing" by some, doesn't mean every spouse will see it that way. What if Orich didn't get a card? Maybe his wife would have thought to herself "Bastard didn't even get me a card for our anniversary! Why SHOULD I stay with him?" Only Orich can read his wife; he knows her best and he's there every day with her. Maybe his approach is working, and its just going to take time, like we've all been advised it will. I think if you see subtle signs of improvement in the way you relate to one another then it shows what you're doing is OK, does it not?

I'm not trying to provide any advice; I'm definitely not qualified for that. I'm just giving some food for thought, and commenting on what I think the DR book recommends. Corrections are welcome...