Dear Cloudnine, Most of us can talk ourselves into most anything...We can justify most any behavior and minimize the pain and suffering that OUR actions cause others. Handy, isn't it?
If you believe that divorcing will end up benefitting your children in ANY way, you are not facing facts and only justifying what you want to do.
Michele has often said something that sticks with me: Don't stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children. Make your marriage happy...for the sake of your children (and I might add, for yourself and your spouse.)
There can be lots and lots of reasons for low sex drive. Could be medical, depression, history of child sexual abuse , guilt......it can also be withholding to punish you for something she needs.
You say that she promised to do better in counseling but hasn't come through and that shows she disrespects you? I'm sure that is how it FEELS to you, but I wonder what it is about with her? Did that come out in counseling? WHY she doesn't feel sexual desire for you? I honestly doubt it is that she doesn't respect you. It could more easily be she doesn't trust you. Lots of times the experts say that withholding sex (if that is what it is) is a childhood response pattern to feeling controlled or deep anger and resentment in the power struggle (the part of marriage that comes after the falling in love passion part.)
Anyway, I applaud you for coming here to learn. Please don't take our comments as criticisms...they are less that than they are warnings that precious little hearts can be broken so easily and never repaired. and all the justifications in the world don't help these children of divorce.
Tell your wife you LOVE her deeply and you are sorry if it is something that you have done or not done that is troubling her BUT that you need the closeness, the sharing that you once had and the rejection you feel when she can't make love to you is eating you up inside. Isn't there anythign that you can do or say to make it right?
and then hold her and ask her to hold you. That is my advice Cloudnine. I wish you well, I really do. gd
