Hi O unargumentative one who never argues at all, oh no no no. I don't know what your job is but I am inclined to believe you shoulda been a barrister.
However I am in agreement with you over most of it. Whether or not to get a divorce is up to you and no one has a right to make a moral judgement over that, since they are not in your shoes. Of course this is not a decision to be taken lightly. If there is only one major sticking point it becomes even more vital to make a big effort to sort things out. Especially if there are kids involved.
I take it you have followed the advice in SSM, been to counselling, spoken clearly to your W in a way she can understand, given her plenty of time not expecting any miracles ect. Still she continues to be completely uncooperative. You must be clear in your mind that this is so. Is there anything else you could have done. Have you given her enough time and support to change, have you recognised those baby steps of improvement if they were there.
I also agree with you that it is not really just about sex. It is the complete lack of regard for your feeling which is a problem. I'm sure that if you felt your W was making a sincere effort to change, but she was not doing that brilliantly you would not be considering a D right now. For example when I talked to my H about all this he was very nice and understood why I felt that way and he promised to work on it. So far there has not been much progress but I feel a lot better knowing that he cares, and I am sure that with time the sitch will improve. So I think that is the difference between us. You clearly do not feel that at present, and you have been trying for a lot longer than me as well.
I don't know if you read Granite Rose's thread where I was chatting to her about depression. I asked my Mother, who is a mental nurse working in a hospital, what were her thoughts on using medication for depression. One of the things she told me is that the cases they have in who do not seem to improve are those who are in a bad situation but are not willing or able to do anything about it. A specific example she gave me was someone in a bad marriage who will not end it because they fear being alone. I don't think you fear being alone, but my point is that being in a bad marriage indefinately is very bad for you and your mental health.
In my opinion D is not good for kids, but nor is an unhappy household. Having divorced parents these days is not entirely uncommon. The important thing is that they should not suffer financially, they should see you both on a regular basis and you should not move far away from them so they cannot easily visit. They must feel that you both still love them as much as ever and the divorce is nothing to do with them. If you remarry you must ensure that your new partner cares for your kids and treats them very well.
Before you do file for D I think you should have a serious talk with your wife telling her what you plan to do. Try not to put it as an ultimatum, but more just telling her how you feel. If she does seem to want to try again I think you should give her another chance, but she must be willing to do those thing you feel would really change your mind. Work out what these are in advance, being fair but honest. I mean you can't suddenly expect her to start having wonderful sex with you 3 times a day! (if only!!!!!!!) but you must say what you need.
I know you and Corri loved to hate each other but she often talked about having boundaries. I interprete this to mean that there is only so far you will go and then you stop. I would not accept an abusive marriage and I would end a marriage if my partner had a damaging addiction which they refused to do anything about. To be honest I'm not sure if I would end my M if my H was completely unwilling or unable to do anything about a lack of sex and it would depend on the circumstances. I think it all boils down to how unhappy you are, and whether your spouse cares enough to help.
Well I hope I don't get kicked off the divorce busting message board for saying all this in favour of divorce. You can see I am not generally in favour of divorce, but marriage is a two way street in my opinion. Yes you have to work hard for your M and sometimes you have to go beyond the call of duty. But there has to be at least some positive imput from your spouse or it won't work out. Someone said on here once that you should realise that after a divorce it will take at least a year of difficult often painful work to rebuild your life, well if that has started looking like a really attractive option you should go ahead. But first be sure you have really explored every avenue to improve your M and given your wife all the chances you can stand.
Good Luck and I hope things work out well for you.
