WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I think it's time to back off, to really detach and bring it back to basics....meaning, you can only talk to her about logistical stuff. Maybe cut back on what you do together. And the next time she starts up with the flirting and the taking off some clothes, stop her before it begins with this: "Please dont' bother with just frustrating me. I love kissing you, it's wonderful, but you don't stop there. You take it just far enough to frustrate me and that's just mean." See where that gets you.

I think some more absence is going to make her heart grow fonder of you.

There are times when you change the game plan. First reason, what you're doing is working and it never did. Second reason, what you've done has worked, but it's now played out and now it's time to revamp, improve the game plan to get to the next level. I think you're now in the second reason category. I think what you've done has gotten you to this point, but now it's time to finish this separation off and end it with you two reconciling.

I think you can do this.

Part of me had thought that by taking this job so I was 3 hours away, it would create some more distance betweeen us. It does seem like we talk/text more now than we had done in the past. I know when I traveled on business (gone 1 week every other month), we never talked/text/emails (I would go to Europe/Asia) during that time.

I do know that to create the absense, I need to limit my contact with her relative to just the kids (I can't go completely dark with her having the kids when I'm gone).

I do like how you put it that I need to change my game plan. I know she does get jealous/curious when she finds me out or when I'm talking to a female. I guess I need her to be more "worried" about that, even though there is really nothing to be worried about.

I do hope you're right that I can turn this ship around.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

[confusedinpa]

This is like the 3rd time this has happened and the 2nd in like 2 weeks. And you get the same response every time.

She's teasing you and enjoys the control. Sure she may be a little "attracted" to you, but let's face it. If she was honest about it, why stop you when you are about to go farther. Why start bringing up the "hurt" again when she's half undressed? In a way she's punishing you for her perceived "hurt".

Stuck,

You are right, this was the second weekend in a row that it played out this way. I think she was attracted or at least responded somewhat as she said that she was ready (wet) when we stopped.

I'm not sure if she is trying to take control as she may be "flirty" or provocative by the way she acts and what she wears, but I make the move to kiss and get her undressed. She does respond until I try to take it further.

Perhaps she is punishing me or perhaps its like when you are dating someone in the beginning, they may not be ready to take it to that level, or what. I do know that in either circumstances, backing off for a bit does make sense.

Thanks for checking up on me again. Hope you enjoyed your vacation.

The physical stuff is very strange. My opinion is that its needs to be stopped by you. Stopped without making her feel rejected but also without any hint of pursuit. I am thinking something very light.
Maybe just stop, or stop her, smile, say nothing and change the subject.

I guess the goal would be to leave her wondering if she can have you in that way or not.

I'm not sure if I will really have the opportunity to "reject" her as I'm the one who takes off her shirt and bra (and last weekend unbottoned her shorts). While she did bring a bottle of wine over and her polo shirt buttons kept popping open to show off her clevage, I know she knew I noticed. What man wouldn't.....

Guess I will have to show some control to not reach out and grab them next time!

Yeah, CIPA shut her down on the 8th grade hook ups. That's just not fair to you.

But I think part of her does want to work this out but she's still got some anger issues. And she takes that opportunity when you're not only emotionally vulnerable, but partially naked to hit you in the head with it. That sucks. But you can take control back.

I really hope you are right that part of her wants to work this out. I am getting tired of this maddness. In a way, it is nice to be working so far from home as it doesn't seem like I'm confronted with it as much. I am treating it like I'm away on a business trip. Big difference now is that I know she won't be home when I get back. Major bummer.......

Thanks everyone for all your support and staying with me through her maddness and my craziness.

[PMA_Baby!]

C - I know it's hard. We all do. But, one of the main DB rules is to stop doing what doesnt work. If you stop giving her all the attention and stop being the supportive friend she will LEARN to miss it and APPRECIATE again. In the future, when she shows you RESPECT then you will try harder to be a friend. You wont resent it as much because it will feel mutual and you will feel it naturally.

You are doing great though. Your last post sounded right where you need to be. A little depression in your voice, but good. You need to feel detached. Like you dont care anymore. That is where you start second guessing what you really want. Is she really worth all this? Then and only then is when she would sense it and want to chase you. If she is READY that is. It has to be REAL and CONSISTENT. Keep on working on making YOU HAPPY. You NEED to learn and show in your ACTIONS that you will be. She will sense the lose of CONTROL. She NEEDS to feel that and learn she cant take YOU and your LOVE for GRANTED.

You are getting there. You will see...

Stay strong. PMA

[theroadback]

"I am seeing some glimpses of my wife thinking about her part. It has come up a couple of times recently how when she says somethings, it really isn't as clear as she had thought.
That is a good sign

I think it is very important for WAW’s to own there part in things. They seem to need to be reminded at times.

Just the other day my waw was going on and on about how I got us in debt 4 times in the past and that I am just going to do it again etc etc etc….

So when she finished, I asked her to look around the house, look inside look outside, try and find one thing, just one thing where she was not only at the store when we bought it, but took part in picking it out …..

This was met with silence and look on her face ….. its amazing how far off they get if you do not reel them in once in awhile.

[Stronger]

Good for you. Yes, there does come a time when they have to start admitting their crap. We do it first and we do it for a long time, but eventually, they have to come clean too.

[confusedinpa]

I think she had "acknowledged" some of her part, but she always minimizes it by saying she has done everything that she knew/could do over the last couple of years so there isn't any more that she could have done.

That's where the "ownership" gets diluted......

I talked to my boys tonite and I am very excited to see them again tomorrow.

My wife got on the phone at the end to ask about some tactical things. Afterwards, she text me on some more tactical stuff before it started to get playful again.

It started by me sending my boys a picture of me to her phone. I ordered a Dell netbook for them to use for video skyping, but it doesn't show up till next week. She then asked what else I had been taking pictures of (eluding to when she sent me pictures of her a couple of weeks ago). I just told her that I had taken some pictures but never said I sent them to her.

So I'm trying to be a little mysterious....

She did ask me to call her when I was on my way home tomorrow.

Can't wait to be home tomorrow!

[PMA_Baby!]

She's just trying to pull her puppets strings. Good job on not letting her.

Stay strong this weekend. NO PHYSICAL INTERACTION!!!

You are NOT her puppet!!!

Say that over and over to yourself throughout the weekend. The weekend is about seeing the boys NOT her. She doesnt deserve your attention right now.
Make her earn it. It goes both ways.

Man up!!!

Travel Safe. PMA

[Coach]

I think she had "acknowledged" some of her part, but she always minimizes it by saying she has done everything that she knew/could do over the last couple of years so there isn't any more that she could have done.

That's where the "ownership" gets diluted......

This is where I think you totally miss your opportunities. Your wife knows she can get your attention and control you like a puppy dog. She is wanting you to "see" her for who she is. You are interested in what about her?
Have you not been doing your best and everything you can over the past couple of years? I don't believe she married you with the intention of getting divorced. Instead of validating and showing compassion about her comment you discount it. How much ownership does she have to take for you to see her hurt? Stop keeping score. She is leading you when you need to be leading.
Handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[PMA_Baby!]

Coach,

I respectfully disagree. He has apologized and validated her feelings many times. She and only she can choose to take responsibilty for her part in this dysfunction. The only way C can do that is to stop letting her blame him by cutting her off when she goes down that path. It's immature and hurtful and she needs to stop doing it.

Once she realizes it's not all C's fault then maybe she can realize how IRRATIONAL and IMMATURE she has and continue's to be.

PMA

[Coach]

The only way C can do that is to stop letting her blame him by cutting her off when she goes down that path. It's immature and hurtful and she needs to stop doing it.

That's the point she didn't blame him according to CIPA. The advice is geared to what CIPA can do.

Once she realizes it's not all C's fault then maybe she can realize how IRRATIONAL and IMMATURE she has and continue's to be.

Who is the focus on there? What can you do make someone think the way you want them to?


So not validating on a BIG concession in this sitch is productive how?