Divorce not busted 2

[Orich]

I am looking for input. Always. What I was trying to get across is that you alluded to W sensing that I am wanting to ML, and I am trying to show that I am doing what I can to not have that happen.
I was explaining that the stress of doing that, for me, needs to be vented, so when I post about it, it is helping me. I was being specific about that only. Of course I want input. You posted that I was hurting myself by pressuring her with ML, and I replied with examples of how I don't think I am putting any pressure on her. Then I wanted to make the point that I feel better posting the feelings I have about it here, because I am in sympathetic company.

[FaithfulH]

Thanks, Orich! I understand your point. Perhaps I did not make mine clearly. I believe that you believe you are not pressuring your W. However, I would be surprised if your W did not "sense" your neediness. If you actually said to her the other night, "I guess I will go to bed since there's nothing else going on"...that is the kind of pressure I am talking about. After many years of marriage, most couples have plenty of non-verbal cues that they use to show their interest in ML...a look, a touch, a subtle phrase. I'm simply saying that...if it is in your head, you are probably showing it. You are far better getting your mind off of it on to more productive things for right now. I am not giving you a 2X4...simply my thoughts on how to help you.

[C-Bart]

O,
I'm not an expert but one thing that I have noticed in my sitch is that I have to be genuine regardless of what I do. When I started DBing last year I made some attempts to DB with 180s and GAL but they were half baked at best. I was just going through the motions. Not only did my W see through my actions, it was impossible to sustain. I would always find myself coming back and checking the temp or not having enough energy to sustain the charade. It got so frustrating that I simply quit. Even got rid of my DB book. I did however spend a good deal of time working (finding?) on myself through reading and consoling.

Fast forward to now and my GAL is genuine and noticed. Will it save my M - no idea. Has it saved me - yes, and I can live with that.

[Orich]

I have done 180's and GALs and it has been noticed. When we were in MC, she said to the C that she noticed I had changed in areas that she had said bothered her, and that she was happy for them. She also comments on how much weight I have lost since I joined the gym.
My gal and 180s have changed me for me. I am happier with the person I have become through theses processes.
And if she senses that I want to ML, then she must be colder than I thought. She makes comments and asks things of me that could only elicit a sexual response. Asking me if I noticed some woman's large breasts, or asking me how her new bikini looks, or telling me how her friend is trying to get pregnant, and do I remember how often we did it trying to have our kids.

[pigskin]

Between the DR book and these forums, I've noticed that there seems to be conflicting advice at times. Maybe I'm not interpreting things correctly, but I think the "one size does not fit all" comment a few posts back may be accurate.

You're supposed to detach, you're supposed to not ask questions about the R or EA/PA or OW/OM. But then you're not supposed to "put up with it", "How long are you going to let it go on?", etc.

The DR book seems to recommend trying things and then doing a status check on how you think they are working. If they are not working (assuming you've set some goal/standard by which to judge them) you do something else. But sometimes doing something else will get you reprimanded on these forums, since there seems to be a "one size fits all" assumption.

It's a very tricky line to walk, in my mind. Just because some actions may be generally considered "pursuing" by some, doesn't mean every spouse will see it that way. What if Orich didn't get a card? Maybe his wife would have thought to herself "Bastard didn't even get me a card for our anniversary! Why SHOULD I stay with him?" Only Orich can read his wife; he knows her best and he's there every day with her. Maybe his approach is working, and its just going to take time, like we've all been advised it will. I think if you see subtle signs of improvement in the way you relate to one another then it shows what you're doing is OK, does it not?

I'm not trying to provide any advice; I'm definitely not qualified for that. I'm just giving some food for thought, and commenting on what I think the DR book recommends. Corrections are welcome...

[Sara]

I agree with Pigskin on this. We are each the best judge of our spouses. After all, they chose to marry us, so at some point, they felt that we were more compatible than all others.

I appreciate Sandi's advice on she felt when she was an almost WAW, but there is not only one kind of woman. I was an almost WAW too, and I still wanted sex with my husband. I will admit that your wife is more like Sandi than she is like me, but that doesn't mean she is exactly like Sandi. Maybe she gets some satisfaction out of being desired even if she doesn't want to ML. Perhaps she is trying to turn you on with the things she does. Then, completely hiding your desire would be a bad thing. I know I have always liked to see a little lust on a man's face, even if I had no desire to have sex with him. It says to me that I am attractive and desired. Sometimes, that's all I need to make me feel good about myself.

It's OK to come here and ask for advice. And you will get lots of advice. But the decision as to how to act with your wife is your own. If it works out, you get the benefits. If it's a dismal failure, you suffer the consequences. So when you take advice, be sure you are willing to accept its ramifications.

[Coach]

It's OK to come here and ask for advice. And you will get lots of advice. But the decision as to how to act with your wife is your own. If it works out, you get the benefits. If it's a dismal failure, you suffer the consequences. So when you take advice, be sure you are willing to accept its ramifications.

Pray for wisdom, discernment and the Holy Spirit to move in your wife. It helped me. (more advice geeesh )

[C-Bart]

You are in a tough situation - separate in the same house. I was able to tolerate W sleeping on the couch for about a week, then asked her to leave. I give you allot of credit. You need a place like the DB forums to vent!

I read in another thread a similar sitch with the W "teasing" the H. Not sure if this is a testing behavior or what. Of course you want to ML to your wife. As far as I can tell you are a human and as such are driven by certain desires(needs?). Not to mention the fact that you probably had an active s#x live that stopped quickly. I've wanted to ML to my W for a long time. Kind of hard to do when she doesn't feel very loving. If we were to have s!x at this time it would be just that. Kind of like my non-genuine attempts at change - transparent and fake.

Thanks for letting me vet out some of my thoughts on your tread. I'm probably not telling you anything new but this helps me work through my own issues.

[C-Bart]

Great insight Sara! I have always suspected that my WAW was still interested in me being interested in her. I just don't know how to balance between being interested and pursuing.

[gucci loafer]

We are each the best judge of our spouses.

Fallacy. Being emotionally involved many times gets in the way of seeing fact from fiction, what is right from what is wrong, making a good decision vs making a bad one...

Don't fall for that. We are not always the best judge of our spouse in these situations. Actually, it is usually quite the opposite.