Reconciliation after divorce

[Sanderika]

Hi Bonny,

I agree the kids should not be used as go-betweens.

I have never had the problem. It's going to be hard for me to answer so I hope someone else chimes in here as well with an opinion.

For me it would depend on the content of the item. Something of trivia would not bother me as much as something I would rather they not have knowledge about.

There are so many variables......

It's possible that he thought they would see you before he would, thus he sent it back with them.

It's possible it wasn't an item of importance so he didn't give it a thought that you would not approve of the mode of return.

It's possible he sent it back through them to avoid you.

It's possible he isn't thinking about the agreement you two had at all and doesn't care. In a MLC frame of mind any and all agreements are in the moment only, good for right now....next time it's something completely different.

It's possible he has completely forgotten about the agreement altogether. Again back to the MLC mind.

If your H is in MLC he doesn't care if you are unhappy. Setting boundaries will definitely annoy him. It's likely that anything you decide to do here will be the wrong choice. I don't try and say this to hurt you. You cannot deal in any way shape or form with the MLC H.

I think if it were me, I would simply call and say "thank you H for returning the ( ), I hope you have a wonderful day/evening".

It's so hard Bonny, I think to create the atmosphere with your H that you are not an enemy is rather important here right now. He doesn't view you as a friend right now. You need to give him thoughts that he can approach you without being condemned for something everytime you two connect. If everytime you guys see or talk to each other, you are pointing out a displeasure on your part to him he will avoid you. He cannot handle what he will consider your problems and will avoid you like crazy. Remember right now it's all about his likes and wants.

I do not agree one bit with the thoughts that run through a MLC mind. I think it is crap. I have learned to navigate through in dealing with one. I also realize there are similarities and just as many differences because the men are different people with different personalities.

If you read about me, you will see that I decided against boundaries. In my sitch boundaries would not have helped one bit. They would have created the end of my marriage so fast I would not have seen it coming.

In a way your H is setting a boundary with you by using the kids to return the item. Let him have his boundary. It's his choice and at the same time his loss. There will be consequences. That is why I simply would say thanks and offer a nicety, and I would do it with an upbeat tone wearing a smile. Then let it go.

I hope this is helpful, there is no way to know how to approach something. This is when hindsight is 20/20. Unfortunately we are not equipped with the talent.

Have a good day bonny,

Sanderika