Quote: I do not believe that kids prevent the dissolution of a marriage. I know what kinds of man/father I am, and can separate my marriage from my responsibilities as a father.
I gotta bite on this one. Of course it is just my opinion...but what kind of man/father you know you are, and what your child will perceive as a heart-ripped-out-of-your-chest seperation when you leave the house are two different things. Plus, a father being absent from the home causes all sorts of long term scars and challenges to normal development, sense of trust, sense of security, etc. A father showing up for dinner one night a week and every other weekend is not an ideal family situation, and has absoutely nothing to do with what kind of man you are.
Yes, it can be done, and often is. But once you (the perverbial you, not you personally) leave your marriage, you are going to lose an enormous amount of say in the upbringing of the child, discipline, who enters the child's life, what kind of influence that new person will have... a step-parent will never love your child the way you do. And even if your ex happens to marry a real swell person, it introduces all sorts of lovely guilt factors for the child to have to deal with -- loyalty to original parents vs. loyalty to the new person; different sets of expectations; playing one family against another; never feeling really 'at home' in anyone's house; oh hey, having step brothers and sisters gets interesting, too. Fights are never resolved to anyone's satisfaction; then there's the adjustments to potential steps, sharing stuff, having to be 'nice' so we can all get along; sometimes sharing vacations, sometimes not; the perceived preferrencial treatment.
Then there's always the times when you're not there to read the bedtime stories, tuck-ins, meaningful talks, seeing the 'firsts,' holidays... boy-howdy does THAT get fun. Who's house are we going to be at THIS year, and won't daddy or mommy be lonely without us?
Oh, and then, this is really, really lovely for all involved... when the one parent has to LEAVE and say good-bye. Now granted, by the time the child has reached teen-age years, they've gotten really good at suppressing their tears and anguish, and most related anger... but guilt never seems to leave the adult heart. And if it has, that is a heart that has gotten very closed.
That's just if everyone plays nice with each other and tries to get along. It gets REALLY fun when one spouse or the other carries lingering resentment and anger and actually fills the child's head with all sorts of nasty opinions about the other spouse. On top of THAT, let's say one or the other spouse marries a complete ASS... one who yells at your child, SPANKS them, becomes verbally abusive, or worse... oh the list of endless possiblities goes on and on. Oh hey, when one spouse or the other has to move out of state... that's always a great one to deal with.
I'm not advocating sticking around in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, I just think that when children enter the picture, the commitment two people made to have the children in the first place supercedes all other needs. It's not forever. And in the meantime, you can still get to work at overcoming your problem.
I don't think you can compare this to abusive situations. Physical safety is often involved in something like that. I think sexless marriages are emotionally abusive, yes, but typically not for the children involved.
Do I think that all marriages should stay together when children are involved? No. But before getting out, you need to be absolutely certain that your needs outweigh those of your children, and only through divorce will you be able to create a better life for your child.
Just my opinion, and it certainly does not cover all instances.
