Hi everyone! Back from a five day break with the kids.A time to be with my parents, sibs, and friends. Back into the lion`s den now. H at work so that gives me time to relax before he`s here. No communication between us from Fri til today, beyond my sending him a text stating where I was and when we`d be back. He didn`t acknowledge text but I had feared he might have texted "stay away longer" or something nastier so I was relieved that he hadnt.
Certainly don`t expect a change of heart on his part on my return.
The break was tiring. A lot of driving and in a different bed every night so I`m glad to be back to my own place(and hopefully, bed!) again. Good to hook up with my family though and see where some of my own issues originate.
Therapy tomorrow so that`ll help the resettling process.
They notice the absences, even the short ones, even if we don't think so. After 6 months, my H finally commented "don't you do something on Wednesday?" Well, he knows what I do, I go to church.
As much as we might like SOMETHING to act like a lightening strike to their brains, I don't think it works like that. Yes we talk about triggers setting this off, but I think it is more like event, slow processing (which we call denial), then slow through all of the other stages, then eventually a slow awakening. All the while, going back and forth with trying to avoid, run, etc...Until eventually each issue is dealt with and they are really able to function again. So I wonder if they are like the slowest turtles in the world, or hamsters running endlessly on the exercise wheel.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks so, so much, friends, for checking in on me! Really is lovely to get that welcome back!
Actually, its one of the things I`m finding about being in this crisis-it really does help me appreciate the kindness of others-and beauty/life/fun/everything else that`s good in life! So there are positives!
Didn`t see or hear from H until late last night. Came home three hours late from work, just at the point when DS11 remarked "Where is Dad" . H walks in and I said "Hey there your are!DS was just asking where you were!"like as if we were back in the good old days, not even meaning to-it just came out.H mumbled something and that was it, our convo over for the night!
One of my GAL things has being to get back into yoga, so later on he came up to the bedroom and found me standing on my head, walked right by me and said nothing. I thought it was funny-I mean it isn`t every day you see your spouse standing on his/her head I thought it might have been worth a comment from him!
He did talk to DS 11-not much to the other two. I left him to it-he really needs time with the three of them. And he has been fixing one of the showers. So maybe he`s not apartment hunting just yet. He slept in my room while I was away but opted for the guestroom again last night.
That`s it really. Nothing exciting to report. My sis has invited me down to her place next week but I`m begining to think I may stay put here as I don`t want to run away from things again so soon.
Maybe hold off the next trip until you feel you need it. I was curious about how old your kids are so I went back to your first thread and loved your comment about turning the Titanic around.
Funny about this whole sitch, because of the anger issues your H has always had sort of made you "miss" that he wasn't/isn't simply being an a**. I went through that as well. Don't know if realizing earlier would make things any different really but just thought it was interesting.
You H was testing himself while you were gone. That I would bet on. My H comes into my room and lays down, looks around, what not, I think to see if he feels comfortable. Of course, I think he has been doing it for a while but only infront of me for the last few weeks. I have to agree with something Jack said too. It is the confusion that really seems to be the hallmark of all of this. If they knew what they really wanted, I think they would just simply act on it right away. Any thoughts?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hi Cat! H is certainly confused, doesn`t know where he fits, what he wants. But his indecisiveness is also a hallmark of his passive-aggressive issues: he`s used to a woman(MIL) deciding what he wants all his life and wants me to fill that role. Which I unwittingly did, for all of our married life.
So, part of my unhooking from H is not to make decisions for us anymore. I`ve just got a really decent lifeboat ready for me and the kids if he decides to hit that iceberg; the decision is him-stay or go-I won`t make it hard for him either way. He has to man up and be strong and honest.
Dunno if he`ll do that in this lifetime though!
I can wait. I can make this place really comfortable in every sense of the word. I`ve done a ton of work on me. The kids are doing fine and I`ve let trivial stuff slide.
But I won`t wait forever.
Where this ship is going I don`t know but its not going to take me -or the kids-down with it.
I`m becoming more separate from H anyhow. I don`t think we can stay at the same point in any relationship. When I saw him last night, for the first time in five days, I felt nothing. No emotion. He could have been the postman.Later, wondering if he`d decide to pick a row, I felt the fear/anger thing but kept it in check, distracted myself, indulged my sense of fun.
Jeff, I don`t expect my calmness to rub off on him anytime soon!When I heard him telling me "You`re the problem I have right now" I know he`s nowhere near addressing anything in himself.
I reckon I`m moving on and begining to waver in terms of my commitment to M.
