I have been dark for sometime with thought and introspection, talking to good friends and listening to my heart. It is not just the utter lack of sex that is killing me but finally realizing that my relationship is not nor has it ever been a marriage. I went into this marriage with high hopes for being with a terrific, good, kind man that loves me and we could make a strong relationship together. I have found that his expectaions and my needs clash constantly and am tired of fighting the fight to have my physical, emotional and spiritual needs met by a man who is unemotional. I have had the "last ditch effort" talk with him several times over the past two months and his behavior is even more withdrawn that ever before. We went to three counseling sessions before the therapist told us that we needed to be seen by someone that specializes in sexual dysfunction. We have not been back to counseling since. My H has not wanted to persue the counseling because, according to him, it is admitting failure. According to me, the only failure would be if we do not address our problems, and we would divorce.
I believe that there are people out there that will understand the torment that they are putting their spouses/lovers/sig. others through by withholding the intimacy that we crave so much. Many of us sacrifice our health and well-being trying to fix what is wrong. I am not asking for the moon and stars, but to be acknowledged as a vibrant, desireable woman, and you men need to be recognized as desirable men by our respective spouses. I do not have a marriage, I have a room mate, a business venture, and a marriage of convenience.
For me, the kids are grown and out of the house. I am tired of trying to mend this emotional rift between us and beating my head up against a brick wall. If there were a shred of hope that this situation between the two of us could change, I would stay and try some more. I am trying to get some issues resolved before I move in with friends. I don't know if I will file for divorce right away, but that is where we are heading. This is not what I had always wanted, but my health and emotional well being is going downhill quickly. This will be very hard on us, but I need to remove myself from such constant pain and frustration. It would have been so much easier if he were a jerk, but he really is a nice guy. The antidepressant Paxil helps some, but the emotional pain is with me all of the time. I don't know if leaving will make it go away either, but that is something that I have not tried yet.
