...and...so...a bit of journaling, just to get some stuff cleared out of my head - and to see if I'll get a better grip of what I'm thinking once I try to weave my thoughts and emotions together into a few sentences.
B took our S2 out of town with her again this past weekend - though this time she ignored repeated texts that I sent her asking for her to have S2 call me. Finally, yesterday I called and asked to speak with S2 - and, after trying to get his attention a bit, she said, "He's not interested right now." At that point I said, "I would appreciate it if when you travel with S2 if you would have him call me." To which she said that she had just turned on her cell phone for the first time at that moment - and that she hadn't received any emails from me asking for him to call me. She also said that I should have called her parents house if I wanted to talk with my S2...which is all just absurd to me...I have no desire to speak with her or her parents - which is why I texted her three times over the weekend to have S2 call me...and she did not do it...She genuinely seems to have no respect whatsoever for my role as his father - or for his connection to me as my son.
One of the reasons I won't call her parent's home is because I don't trust her parents - and don't want to get involved with a strange and tortured conversation with either of her parents.
I wonder if part of her spite had to do with the fact that her sister was visiting Southern CA this past weekend (instead of spending time with their family in Northern CA) - and she called to ask me if my S12 and I would like to meet up with her and her boyfriend at the beach. We did go - and had a wonderful time - and did not talk about B at all...which was interesting. B's sister seems to be one of the few people in her family that knows B's stories about me are untrue - and so B continues to hang up on her whenever they talk...very sad.
As for S12, I've been having a fantastic time with him this summer - so that's one of the few positives of not having much work come my way of late - I may be living in an Oliver-Twist mode in my head - but I tend to have a full, exciting life when with my children...which also makes me think of how much it's going to hit me when my S12 takes off on August 18. I'm planning on going out to visit him often - and know that he'll be with me on holidays and vacations - I just know that it's going to kill me for a few days after I drop him off at the airport that day.
But I'll find a way to keep moving forward...the Dude abides...
I would say, from experience w/my X, that she doesn't respect you as his father...or at least she wants to channel her anger toward that outcome.
My solution was to stop asking and just start doing. I TOLD X that I'd call D every night to talk to her briefly, then I asked her if 6:30 or 7:30 would be better for her?
I didn't give her the chance to be in control b/c she has no right to try and keep me from talking w/my D. So, I told her what I was going to do and gave her a choice on the time. She ended up settling on 7 pm and we always talk around 7...and X and D talk aroudn the same time as well when she's with me.
I would recommend you doing something similar. Also, since you aren't divorced yet, I would document everything and try and get her to communicate via text or e-mail as often as possible. I hate to say it, but you may very well need the proof for court and custody purposes.
I must say after all you have shared with us here, if there is one thing I could say about you for certain...it is that you withstand so much and never give in or up.
Hey Rob, Thanks for the sensible advice - makes a lot of sense, really, and takes her whims out of the formula in a calm way...It's definitely a lack of respect - and it's ongoing - I just got an email from her tonight, in fact, in which she wrote:
"When either of us has travelled in the past, you call and I have S2 return your call as soon as possible. My phone service is not very reliable in [parents house], but I was available via email and my parent's number if you'd wanted to reach S2. I really have no idea what your schedule is when I travel. I don't think your attitude is very conducive to a partnership as S2's parents, which I think is a real shame. I hope things improve as time goes on."
It's almost impressive how much she will twist reality. I never call her when she travels - I never call her period. I only and always text her with requests that S2 call me - which is exactly what I did the prior weekend -while she was also at her parent's home...And then suggesting that my attitude is the problem...just more of the same habit she's been in over a year now - of trying to blame me for taking issue with her actions...I think that habit of hers got much worse after our MC suggested that it was my fault that B had her affair...very fine moment of MC that one...
I think she continues to put off the divorce because she knows that no judge/mediator would indulge her nonsense. She got livid with our MC when MC suggested that continuing to nurse S2 in bed until he's 3 might not be good for him or the changes of our marriage...oh well...the M was doomed no matter what - which is something I've come to accept as a painful though positive change in my life...
And V...thanks for the faith in me...though I don't know if it comes through in these pages...I sometimes have a hard time retaining the faith and hope that I'll be fine no matter what...I've managed to find it somehow over and over - but has been brutally difficult of late - not b/c of M...that's settled in my mind - but because of work...and the fact that my S12 leaves August 18 to live with his mom for the school year...I've also had a series of minor mishaps piled on top of one another lately...enough frustrations to make me wonder at times if maybe someone has managed to put a curse on me...
But then I wake, think about my children, think about the many gifts I've been given throughout my life, and find a way to keep going...it's not been easy...but it has been revealing...
Isn't it interesting how reality gets turned around on to you?
My X did the same thing by saying I was controlling while she is the one that is the control freak and it has been coming out clearly first w/the D and now that we're "co-parenting."
Distorted reality for sure.
The key is for you to try not to let yourself get "gaslighted" into thinking that you really are the problem. It is easy to do as they are pretty clever and very good w/the words they use and their manipulation.
Hi Rob, Yup...she's up to a lot of the same thing...the anger and control is so clearly hers - and yet she tries to put it on my at any turn.
I wonder if she's aware of what it means to gaslight...since she's practically a master of it...at least she used to be - these days I tend to be too prepared for it, so her efforts have lost their efficacy.
That said, it doesn't mean she won't try...this past weekend I got an email from her claiming that my tone is the problem - this, because I told her in an email that I considered it disrespectful and irresponsible to have her phone off for four days while traveling with S2...Thus far she has never accepted responsibility for anything - and it truly does seem to go back to that moment when our MC suggested that her affair was my fault...B followed up that session by bringing that belief up many times...Even when she accused me of disrespecting our marriage...
Still...with all this stuff of hers...she's not really what's on my mind these days. Rather, I keep thinking about the fact that my S12 is leaving in a couple weeks to spend the school year with his mom. I know it's best for him - right now she can offer him a stability I just cannot - and I know I'll see him again soon - and during all his school breaks - but it's just hard to think of being here without him.
His little brother just adores him - and hearing them laugh together is just about the best moment of any day of my life. I don't think B has any idea just how much S2 and S12 love one another.
I suppose I just have to continue to live in the present - make the most of each moment - and stop squandering my time on this planet. Wasting energy also means wasted time...no more of that.
I'm getting there...I hardly even hear her these days...which feels kind of rude to admit, but it's just that I don't trust her at all - nor do I believe her at all...so it makes it very easy to focus my energy and attention on myself (in a healthy way) and my kids (which is always a joy).
Something kind of obvious hit me the other day at the playground...I was watching a family walk through - mother, father, kids...and realized that what I missed now wasn't B - I missed the ideal of being in a family - but the truth is that what we had was never very comforting or reassuring - particularly with her inclination toward needing another man's attention...
It's odd to approach 40 and watch young families at the park...the tensions between couple are so obvious to me now...and it's so easy to spot couples that aren't sharing their love and lives with one another in a healthy way...I don't think I'm jaded though...at least I hope I'm not.
I don't think you are jaded at all. In fact, I think you are more informed and much wiser. That's all.
You see things as they should be b/c you had to go through Hell and you took that task as a challenge to yourself to find a way to come out the other side as a better man.
Quote:
I missed the ideal of being in a family
This was my feelings exactly. I don't miss being w/X, but I miss having a family.
