I realize that this is really only a question that each person has to answer for themselves but I am curious as to the general consensus. Are consistently unmet sexual needs reason enough to end an otherwise decent marriage?
Quote: I realize that this is really only a question that each person has to answer for themselves but I am curious as to the general consensus. Are consistently unmet sexual needs reason enough to end an otherwise decent marriage?
Excellent question. My answer is "Not in my case."
In all areas but the sexual one, our marriage is a good one. Yes, we've had other issues come up in the past year, but have been able to talk about them and resolve them. The sexual issue is the only one we just can't get around and the one we need help dealing with, both for the present and possibly into the future.
I have stopped by this site after an absence of several weeks, and noticed your post. I think that it deserves more responses than it has received.
I would like to answer your question with an unequivocal YES. I think that, in general, you will get different responses from the women here, but toss that up to the differences between men and women than any *right* or *wrong* aspect to your inquiry.
I have decided that, since my spouse is unwilling, or unable, to at least meet me halfway on this subject, I have to go. No hard feelings (pun not intended), I just have to make my own way now. The issue cannot be underestimated in a marriage, even if the other aspects of the marriage are fine. You have to honestly answer for yourself: are things really otherwise decent?
I'd say, if you were asking your question to an LD person, they would say absolutely not, sex is not worth ending an otherwise 'good' marriage.
However, you are not LD. You have a real need and I don't think you should attempt to minimize that need because of a fear of ending your marriage. (A justifiable fear, I might add).
I was your wife at one time. I was oblivious to the pain my misunderstanding of his sexual needs caused him. I did not think that our lack of sex was a reason to divorce... until we reached that point. I was still lost until I found Michele's book. And even after I read it, I still had some tough decisions to make. Reading and understanding, and putting that into practice are two very different things. I am fortunate that I was able to find understanding in time to save my marriage.
Unfortunately for you, you have to wait on someone else to hit the 'ahha' moment. Because you don't have children, I have to say that I personally think you should not wait forever. But only you can decide how long to hang in there.
I think you have done just about everything under the sun to get through to your wife. She knows how you feel, you have had the talk. It is up to her now. I hope she has it in her to step up to the plate. If she doesn't, you are going to have to come to grips with that.
My advice to you is to hang in there as long as you are able... but don't wait forever. The longer you stay, the harder it will be for you to leave... and the greater risk you will take of her becoming pregnant. And if you are feeling 'stuck' now, you can't even begin to imagine the inner turmoil you'll go through if she does become pregnant before the two of you have figured out this issue.
I'm sounding very doom and gloom for one so typically upbeat, I know. I'm pretty much 'for' keeping marriages together. But I now truly understand the pain you are going through, and I don't think anyone should have to endure for a lifetime, especially if you do not yet have children.
I am HD, my ex was LD. If I had known the pain I was going to suffer being married to a low drive spouse I would have never married him. I had no idea until all was said and done that our sex drives were so different.
Any need that is consistently unmet by your spouse is reason to leave a marriage as long as there are no children involved. I think once there are children you give up your right to have your needs met....it's their needs that should be the main focus. Corri is right. If you are going to take a step such as divorce you need to take it before their are more lives to drag into it. You have no one to answer to at this moment but yourself and your wife. You have done everything humanly possible to try and bring about the change in your marriage that you need to be satisfied. You owe no one anything more than you have already given.
I would applaud anyone for getting out before there are children. After that, it's a selfish move because the destruction it causes a child is a life long burden for them to carry. You may be off getting good, regular sex but you will do it at your children's expense. Do whatever you feel you need to do before you are in a position to have to worry about what others need you to do. Cathy
I have been dark for sometime with thought and introspection, talking to good friends and listening to my heart. It is not just the utter lack of sex that is killing me but finally realizing that my relationship is not nor has it ever been a marriage. I went into this marriage with high hopes for being with a terrific, good, kind man that loves me and we could make a strong relationship together. I have found that his expectaions and my needs clash constantly and am tired of fighting the fight to have my physical, emotional and spiritual needs met by a man who is unemotional. I have had the "last ditch effort" talk with him several times over the past two months and his behavior is even more withdrawn that ever before. We went to three counseling sessions before the therapist told us that we needed to be seen by someone that specializes in sexual dysfunction. We have not been back to counseling since. My H has not wanted to persue the counseling because, according to him, it is admitting failure. According to me, the only failure would be if we do not address our problems, and we would divorce.
I believe that there are people out there that will understand the torment that they are putting their spouses/lovers/sig. others through by withholding the intimacy that we crave so much. Many of us sacrifice our health and well-being trying to fix what is wrong. I am not asking for the moon and stars, but to be acknowledged as a vibrant, desireable woman, and you men need to be recognized as desirable men by our respective spouses. I do not have a marriage, I have a room mate, a business venture, and a marriage of convenience.
For me, the kids are grown and out of the house. I am tired of trying to mend this emotional rift between us and beating my head up against a brick wall. If there were a shred of hope that this situation between the two of us could change, I would stay and try some more. I am trying to get some issues resolved before I move in with friends. I don't know if I will file for divorce right away, but that is where we are heading. This is not what I had always wanted, but my health and emotional well being is going downhill quickly. This will be very hard on us, but I need to remove myself from such constant pain and frustration. It would have been so much easier if he were a jerk, but he really is a nice guy. The antidepressant Paxil helps some, but the emotional pain is with me all of the time. I don't know if leaving will make it go away either, but that is something that I have not tried yet.
i myself have a wonderful marriage excluding the sex thing! the last 2 years he has lost the desire,but making love is wonderful! how can it be a totally fulfilling marriage when one partner doesn't get the basic emotional needs such as :feeling desirable,to be wanted,to feel attractive,to be able to express, physically, to your partner ,the closeness,the ultimate feeling of oneness is to me the epitome of making love and being as one! the rapture that you can experience is amazing!!all these needs,when you do feel them, are important!
Some of the replies are predictable. I do not believe that kids prevent the dissolution of a marriage. I know what kinds of man/father I am, and can separate my marriage from my responsibilities as a father. I am sure that if I told my wife that I would hang in there for the kids until they were of majority age, then promptly leave the marriage, she would rather that I go now. Having children should make the decision to leave much, much harder, but it should not mean that you stay and endure this kind of demoralization from a spouse. Would the same be recommended if the situation was changed to physical abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, or adultery?
