Thank you for your thoughts, they have me thinking.
First off, I'm having a hard time shaking the feeling that I'm betraying H by doing all this without him knowing. (I'm setting up a bank account this Sat. morning and applying online for a credit card) It's these calm periods- they mess with my head because everything feels OK, and I downplay how badly he can tear me down. "Is it really so bad? We have two beautiful kids, a nice house, nice cars, we're financially doing well, do I really want to rock the boat?" That's been going through my head the last several years, and I still hear the echos of it. But, with my job now, I finally feel strong enough that I can make it on my own, and I'm trying to silence those doubts.
Two things I feel I should point out- A) He's never been physically violent to me, so I'm not really afraid of him hurting me. I'm pretty sure he will help show me the door. I think my biggest risk is being frozen out of everything- the house, finances, etc.; and B) When he declared I deserved nothing last time, I was a SAHM, now I work full time. I guess he will claim he deserves the lion's share instead of everything this time around because his income is 3 times mine, and he's been working the whole time, whereas I've been at this 5 years.
I try to keep reminding myself of why I'm doing this and what I risk if I don't. I'm sure I'll let myself be pulled back into the whole mess if I don't take advantage of feeling strong right now.
Once again. You have shown you are a good person. Good people feel bad. You are feeling guilty. This is completely normal, but from what you have told us this situation is very serious. Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical. Sometimes worse.
You have to make a commitment to getting yourself and your family help. If you dont stay commited you will never know if your H could have been helped.
You have a good plan. Run everything by your counselor. I agree about not giving 2 weeks notice. You need to get away asap.
Demand the RESPECT you deserve as wife and mother. Being a wife does NOT mean being an OBJECT. You deserve better. Hopefully, it will eventually come from your H if that's what you decide.
Your h can say anything he wants about what you will get for a settlement. Why are you listening to anything he has to say? Do you seriously believe that he is calling all the shots? You do live here in the USA, right?
No, I know he can't call the shots on the property split. I'm just saying that's where he's gonna be difficult, whether he's entitled to it or not.
But I am dreading getting my name trashed with his family, because he sure isn't going to bring attention to his role in all this. I've had a good relationship with my in-laws for 21 years- I'm pretty close to several of my sisters-in-law- and I hate the thought that I may lose half my family. They will listen to what he has to say very carefully and I doubt they will question him very hard- I don't think he can do any wrong in their eyes.
Don't listen to a word he says about how things will be split. Neither his wishes, nor yours, are going to count for much. It is going to come down to state guidelines, get to a lawyer, and find out. You might even be able to find out a lot in a free consulation.
As far as his family goes, well, they are his family first, and you are probably not going to change what they think. Though I wouldn't be shocked if you find more sympathythan you expect. But don't fish for it. You should make sure that you absolutely know in your heart whether you really want to expose him to them, or not. It might feel good in the near term, but in the long run, I'm not so sure. In five years it won't matter to you, but you might do damage that can't be undone. Not that he doesn't deserve it, you just need to decide how you feel about that.
If your H was to trash you to his family do you really think that they would believe everything he said?
If you told your side of it to his family, would there be a possiblity that your kids may find out what has really been going on?
Do you really want your kids to know the 'whole truth' about the situation?
I think by simply sticking to your idea of 'you guys just went your own ways' may be the best way to play that. If you tell your side of the story, don't think he won't start telling his side of it, and by the way that he sounds, he will turn the lime light back on you and diminish his role in all of the sexual stuff.
I think you are learning that you have control of yourself and what you truely want and that he does not have supreme rule over you. This is a new feeling for you and it is scary for you, I bet.
You and I know what it's like to live with sexual addition in someone that we loved and respected. I did not want family/freinds to know that my H had done these things because in my mind that ment that I could not have been a good enough wife if he was finding these things elsewhere than in our M. I blamed myself for him stepping out because he had told me that if I had done this or had been this way than he would not have gone looking for it with an OW.
Thank God I woke up and realized that what his problem was (and may still be) is not my fault. I am just me. As I said before (and it has become my new motto), I am not responsible for any other persons happiness. They need to be happy with themselves and not put the blame on me for their unhappiness. Maybe you can use this as your motto too. I am not saying that you can not do things to make other people happy, I am just saying that you can not compromise who you are to the point that you are unhappy just to make that person happy.
I hope I made sense in all of that. I hope you get your place. I hope you continue to get help. You deserve much better than what you have been dealing with.
HUGS Stacy
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Those are good points regarding the in-laws. And you're both right- if we can present it as a mutual parting of the ways and not trash each other in the process, our entire family will be better off and we each lose less. And the point about the kids is well-taken- the fewer people who know, the smaller the risk of exposure to the kids. It's risking TMI for them.
Lost- I had a similar revelation a few months ago when I realized I wasn't responsible for his happiness- or his unhappiness. I don't remember where I saw that, but it really struck a chord with me. I realized it was easier for him to blame me for his unhappiness than it was to actually do something about it (other than f*** other women). It was also easier for me to acquiesce to his demands than to stand up for my own. I needed to stop trying to make him happy because I was making myself miserable in the process. I can't keep sacrificing myself, and it is really scary to pull myself back.
Another big revelation that I had earlier this year was finding out exactly where he prioritized our marriage. I asked him point-blank. He said he couldn't say which was more important to him- our marriage or swinging, and didn't want to answer. I felt that was an answer in itself, and it was quite a kick in the gut. There should have been no hesitation at all.
Third revelation- his "concerns" about my insecurities were a control mechanism. When I tried to push my position about stopping the swinging, H turned the topic to my insecurities and my needing help to regain control of the conversation. I didn't know how to argue back, he presented it all so logically. I couldn't make his arguments and persuasion mesh with my reality and it would really mess with my mind. After a while, I began to realize it wasn't just me. His control issues were really on display after his father passed away last fall- his sister is the executor of the estate and it gnawed at him when she would make a decision he didn't agree with. And at work, if someone above him makes a decision he doesn't agree with... He can't let things go.
Lastly- H has it in his mind that one woman will never be enough for him sexually. He compared it to restaurants- he never likes to order the same thing off the menu, he likes variety. And so he likes variety in sex partners, but he wants to share a life with me. He wants it both ways. I know there are women out there who can live in that kind of relationship, even thrive in it, but I'm not one of them. I had the same feelings about not being enough for him. H always said that it wasn't anything personal, he was happy with our sex life, he just has the need for variety. But really- how much more personal can you get???
Enough rambling for tonight. I have to clean the bunny cage. And I don't mean my house- I have two pet bunnies... Thank you to everyone for their thoughts, I appreciate the feedback.
PS- I'm about ready to take down those profiles, working up the courage to face the fall-out...
Done- they are printed as pdf's and e-mailed to a secure, undisclosed location... still working up the courage to actually delete the profiles tho... I'm thinking Friday. Then Saturday is the day to pay the security deposit and get my own checking account. Time to face the fear- I can do this...
