You raise some interesting points. I struggle sometimes with the concept of going dark/detaching/no more Ms Nice Girl versus the Christian approach of being loving/giving the love you want to receive etc. Several things I want to note:
1. As I said before, for me, detaching and "being still" are very similar. When you are still, you leave it to God, you do not pursue, you GAL, you do many of the things that you do when "detaching". Before I even began to DB, when I prayed, all I heard was "Be still". I later realised that being still meant not arguing, pursuing, threatening, preching etc. All DB principles.
2. When DBing, you cannot fully apply the Christian principle of giving the love you want to receive because your spouse does not want that and if you do attempt it you may well be committing marital suicide. I am talking about physical and affectionate love, doing your usual favours, planning special dinners etc which your spouse sees as pursuing and DOES NOT WANT. You can "give" or "hold" love in your heart. You can love from a distance and the best way you can give that love in this situation is to pour it out in prayer to the Lord.Let him be the custodian of it. Do not express it to your S. That is what I do.
3. Unconditional love - What is this? Are humans capable of this? Jesus loves us no matter what and is concerned with repentance. He hates the actions and not the man. Perhaps when people speak of loving unconditionally this is what they mean? Hating the actions but not the person. Being forgiving. How much you can forgive depends on you. And if you depend on God, it depends on how much you depend on him.
4. Nice guys and girls finish last - There is a part of the D. Remedy, I believe, which says that going dark is not being nasty. So there is still room to be nice, upbeat etc. All within limits. I am nowhere as nice to my H as I used to be although I am a damned sight nicer to him than many people I know would be. Being nice is not being a doormat or being stupid. Jesus knew when to be firm and how to deal with nonsense. The key, I think, is to say hard things softly. You can tell it like it is without being nasty.
5. People want people who do not want them - How many of us took our M for granted even though we sensed trouble lurking somewhere. As soon as our S said they did not want us, how many of us realised "Hey. I want him/her". What you cannot have can become very attractive. The truth is most of our S believe that they have us in little boxes. They know that we want them. BY FAR the most dramatic turnaround in my sitch occured after nearly three weeks of my going dark. For the first time in a long time he probably felt I was through because my NC was that extreme. I think that a WAS has to want to SEEK out the LBS.
6. The treatment you accept - I don't think that you should take ---t and call it chocolate. Or unconditional love. There are expectations and conditions to marriage and to every relationship. We lay out what we will and will not accept. And it seems so clear cut. But reality can be a different thing. How you proceed is idfferent in every circumstance.
Oh well, the length of this post is rivalling Sandi's legendary posts. These are such fundamental and interesting questions that have been going around in my head for a while.
