Those are good points regarding the in-laws. And you're both right- if we can present it as a mutual parting of the ways and not trash each other in the process, our entire family will be better off and we each lose less. And the point about the kids is well-taken- the fewer people who know, the smaller the risk of exposure to the kids. It's risking TMI for them.
Lost- I had a similar revelation a few months ago when I realized I wasn't responsible for his happiness- or his unhappiness. I don't remember where I saw that, but it really struck a chord with me. I realized it was easier for him to blame me for his unhappiness than it was to actually do something about it (other than f*** other women). It was also easier for me to acquiesce to his demands than to stand up for my own. I needed to stop trying to make him happy because I was making myself miserable in the process. I can't keep sacrificing myself, and it is really scary to pull myself back.
Another big revelation that I had earlier this year was finding out exactly where he prioritized our marriage. I asked him point-blank. He said he couldn't say which was more important to him- our marriage or swinging, and didn't want to answer. I felt that was an answer in itself, and it was quite a kick in the gut. There should have been no hesitation at all.
Third revelation- his "concerns" about my insecurities were a control mechanism. When I tried to push my position about stopping the swinging, H turned the topic to my insecurities and my needing help to regain control of the conversation. I didn't know how to argue back, he presented it all so logically. I couldn't make his arguments and persuasion mesh with my reality and it would really mess with my mind. After a while, I began to realize it wasn't just me. His control issues were really on display after his father passed away last fall- his sister is the executor of the estate and it gnawed at him when she would make a decision he didn't agree with. And at work, if someone above him makes a decision he doesn't agree with... He can't let things go.
Lastly- H has it in his mind that one woman will never be enough for him sexually. He compared it to restaurants- he never likes to order the same thing off the menu, he likes variety. And so he likes variety in sex partners, but he wants to share a life with me. He wants it both ways. I know there are women out there who can live in that kind of relationship, even thrive in it, but I'm not one of them. I had the same feelings about not being enough for him. H always said that it wasn't anything personal, he was happy with our sex life, he just has the need for variety. But really- how much more personal can you get???
Enough rambling for tonight. I have to clean the bunny cage. And I don't mean my house- I have two pet bunnies... Thank you to everyone for their thoughts, I appreciate the feedback.
PS- I'm about ready to take down those profiles, working up the courage to face the fall-out...
