Well the counseling is today, in just a few hours.
My plan is:
1. Remain calm. No expectations and no pressure. 2. Remain quiet. This is a 180 for me as I would traditionally take over this type of situation, explain things to the cousnelor and control the situation. 3. Listen and validate. 4. Let the counselor drive the bus. 5. Get away from w. after the counseling as she is doubtless going to feel pressured.
Fight for your marriage. If you love this woman, and you want to spend your life with her, then fight for it. You sound like you are DB'n like a mutha! Good for you! You also sound like your in a good place mentally. Kudos!
No pressure, and no expectations.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks Antlers. It was a very enlightening session. The counselor was an older woman and she really knew her stuff. She talked too much and seemed to wander a bit, but she had seen our sitch so many times she knew it inside and out.
At the end she warned my w. that if she doesn't do the work she will just find another guy to fill the same role and takecare of her and ultimately lead to her playing the role of a victim. I wanted to scream "she already found him!" But I figured that might not be the right move
She gave me some really good stuff to think about in terms of how I have approached my marriage. But, to tell you the truth, my own counselor has already tread much of that path.
Anyway she agreed to another one. After tonight I am sure I will have more perspective.
I could really use some advice. My w. and I went to counseling. I think I followed good DB principles and left her alone after the session. We are supposed to have another counseling session on Monday. I treid to get a babysitter for the kids. Tried quite a bit and failed. I got one for the first session. Now for Monday nobody in my family can cover it and our regular babysitter is on vacation. Anyway I come home tonight and tell her that I couldn't get a babysitter. I ask her if she could ask anyone in her family. She says, "No. I guess we will have to cancel." Now cancelling means weeks as the counselor is leaving on vacation. I told her, "OK I guess we will have to wait." She was cool as hell. My question is this, do I just cancel the session and say, no counseling for the next couple weeks. Or do I go to extraordinary lengths to get a babysitter. I'm torn as finding a babysitter used to be her responsbility (so getting one would be a 180). On the other hand she seems to be putting all the responsibility on me and if I get one I am afraid it might be pursuing. Thoughts?
How old are your kids? Sometimes when I went to IC, my S9 waited in the waiting room with a homework and/or a book to read. Sometimes there was a receptionist there and sometimes not. Depending on the age and temperament of your kids, it might be possible.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
So I have spent tonight re-reading MWD's books and I am pretty sure I have found my answer. F*** her. If she wants me to go to counseling while she is banging another guy, she can find a babysitter. Otherwise, I'm moving on. I've had it.
Been a while since I posted. My w. would never go to counseling. She is still with the OM. Divorce is held up pending the sale of a house which will most likely not sell for quite some time. We birdnest in the meantime. This has been the longest 6 months of my life. I'm having trouble picking myself up off the mat. I had a dream the other night that my w. decided to work it out. I woke up and it was like my soul was ripped out all over again. I keep trying to detach, but sometimes it feels impossible. I've been dating. I know that is controversial here. But for me it felt like the right thing to do. I've met some amazing women. But none of them are her.
Thanks for asking LFA. I am in c. I have found a wonderful counselor who really knows her stuff. She has been doing this for a while and she really has been able to see clearly and to get me off the my fault/her fault paradigm that I was stuck in. I'm doing a decent job of taking care of myself. I'm working out regularly, playing tennis for the first time in roughly ten years this weekend, and I eat well.
I have come to understand that I do not need my w. I want her though. This divorce seems very unnecessary. But I have accepted that I don't get to control that.
