Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[ALJ]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice, I am still trying to gal. I have been going out more and doing some clothes shopping for myself. I have made lunch plans with my sister and MIL for next week and my cousin has invited me to visit her in Delaware in the near future. I probably need to reconnect with friends that I have lost contact with over the years and I really would like to take up playing the saxophone again. (I haven't played since high school.)

Kalni,

When my H left, he said he had no plans on moving back to NY. Georgia is his home now. He had been going back and forth to Georgia for years. He would visit his cousin who lives down there, look for musical talent and promote his entertainment company also. H told me that he wanted to move down there back in 2004 but I guess I was not ready to leave my family up here and move there. Now, I wish I would have really listened to him and we could have moved down there back then. Unfortunately, he is gone and our marriage is broken.

Our finances are still the same. My husbands money still goes into our banking account and I still pay all of the bills. Our separation is not legal so there is no court ordered support for the kids at this point. I don't know if he is going to file for legal separation soon or not. Right now we are not in good financial shape for him to do so.

I would be very saddened to find out if my H is having an affair. He says he is not but I think there have been a few EA. I saw the signs but I chose to ignore them and I really don't know why. I guess I was afraid of speaking up for myself (self-esteem issues.) I have been thinking about asking him again if there is someone else but whos to say that he would tell me the truth anyways?

I am still in the process of telling immediate family about our separation. So far I have only told my grandmom and sister. I was very nervous before I broke the news to them. I feel like I have failed in my marriage and I just would rather keep it to myself but H was upset that I had not let my family know. DB coach Jody said that by me telling my family relays the message to H that I understand why he left and I get it. H has to feel comfortable around me in order to get to the being friends stage again (I think thats how it goes)

I wonder if H still thinks about me or has he erased or is trying to erase me from his memory. Is this separation just a slow death for the marriage? Is he finding comfort in another womans conversation or arms? I dont contact him unless the kids want to talk to him. He usually calls us, but is this just more of the same behavior on my part?(communication issues in marriage.) I wish I could wake up and this would all be just a bad dream. If our marriage is meant to be, it is not going to happen overnite. I have to remember this.

[ALJ]

Journaling,

H's birthday is today. The kids sent him cards so he should receive them today. I also sent him a card. Nothing romantic, just a funny short card acknowledging his birthday. I called him so the kids could say happy birthday. I asked him if he had any plans for today, he said he was going to take it easy because he had no business meetings scheduled. He did ask how I was doing (a first for him ) but it was only after I asked him first. We talked about financial matters. I asked him what he was going to do about paying his bills.(I do the bill paying but his bills go to his new address so I dont know when they are due anymore. He has been getting late charges.) He never offered a solution and seemed like he didnt want to talk about it so I wont ask again.
I ended the conversation with "enjoy the rest of your day." He said "thank you, I appreciate that." Unfortunately, he talked to me like I was the lady next door instead of his wife. No feeling or emotion. Maybe I am reading to much into this but he sounds troubled sometimes and sometimes he sounds normal. He had promotional parties on last Friday and this Monday and I dont think they went too well (not a large enough crowd to make money). On Monday nite, I texted him asking how his party was going. It went like this,

Me- Hope your party is going well

Him- uuuummmm

Me- Dont know what that means but I hope its positive

Him- Not really....but its okay

Me- Any famous people?

Him- Not tonite

Me- Don't matter. You're the star tonite. (it was a promotion party but his birthday was recognized also)

Him- A fallen star.

Me- Not in my book. This is only the beginning. You are just starting out. Things will get better.

Him- I pray it does....


I hope this was not persuing. I was just offering some encouraging words. Not sure if that was the right thing to do. My emotions got the best of me.

The one thing that we do have to talk about is how he can see more of the kids, which wont be easy because he lives 14 hours away down south.
Sometimes I have trouble saying what I want to say to him so DB coach Jodi helped me put together something that I plan to bring up very soon if he doesn't. It goes like this,

"I appreciate you being open and honest with me when we talked before you left to go back home. I thought a lot about what you said and I understand where you are coming from because it seemed like I was ignoring the situation. (I had not told family members about us separating). "Now that everyone knows and I understand that this is a separation and not a time-out and that you are not a part of our household, we really need to figure out how the kids can spend more time with you. You said you miss the kids and they miss you also so we need to establish something where they will know when they will see you, etc, etc...

I hope that sounds okay. I guess its something that we should have talked about the last time h was here. H did mention that it was killing him living without seeing the kids and he cant live like that. I did not respond to him figuring he should come up with a solution since he was the one that left. Any feedback is appreciated.

[ALJ]

Advice anyone?

[ALJ]

Journaling,

Well, I am positive that H has received the cards that the kids and I sent to him for his birthday. I haven't gotten a text message from him saying thanks for the card and I guess I should not expect one. He will probably thank the kids for the cards that they sent the next time that he calls them.

I really have to work harder on GALing. Seems like my thoughts are consumed about him and what is going through his mind. Right now I am angry with myself for letting his behaviors bother me. I just thought it was a nice gesture to send him a card for his birthday. Maybe for our anniversary in October I will just send a Happy Anniversary text. Maybe I won't acknowledge it at all.

I will be going to school for Medical Billing and Coding in September. I am excited to be studying for a new career field. My schedule will be pretty full with the girls starting first and second grade also. I won't have idle time to be sitting around thinking about if our M is going to survive or not or trying to figure out if H is going thru a MLC or when is he going to come to his senses.

I have been wanting to buy myself a pair of skates for awhile now. I have not went skating in years but my girls got new skates for their birthdays and I would like to teach them how.
Looks like I have a gal activity for tommorrow

[MaryEL]

alj,
thanks for stoping by my post and for the words of encouragement. I have just read all of yours and I am so sorry for your Sitch. I have been in poor me mode and realize I dont have 3 kids to worry about.. but I guess I also dont have the joy of waking up to 3 wonderful kids either.. I am glad for you and them that he is wanting them in his life. Alot of men would not make the trip so regularly to see them, especially if it means interacting with the LBS...

It really helps to wander the other posts and see the advise they are given. I have not read DB.. waiting for it to come in.. but I did read on someones post that maybe you shouldnt share info on the kids. I dont think it was so blunt. but basically that chatting about them is a way for you to keep him on the line. He gets to talk with them when he calls.. and if you dont keep him posted.. he gets to wonder what else he is missing.. also it gives you more chance to be mysterious.. keep the calls short on your part.. . Just a suggestion I read that sounded pretty good to me.

I know I had a tendancy to call my H for anything I could think of. He got a new phone off of our plan.. but I got the # and called him there.. so the other day I deleted both his out of state work # and his cell from my cell... I made sure my parents had the # in case anything really important came up.. but this way I can't spontaneously dial him.. I know you cant do that.. but just sharing how reading the suggestion on not chatting or trying to keep them on the phone gave me the idea to stop calling all together..

I know that you and I are new at this but we can see from the progress of others that there is hope at the end of the tunnel!

[MaryEL]

Hi MaryEL

Thanks for stopping by and reading my sitch and for the kind words and advice. I am very guilty of what you mentioned about trying to hold on to H through conversations on the telephone. I don't call him unless the kids want to talk to him. When he does call us I try to keep the focus on what he is doing and or I start chatting about the kids. I never mention me or what I am doing unless he asks (which is rare cause the kids tell him everything that I am up to.) Pretty soon there is space and silence on the line and then I can sense that he is getting uncomfortable with it so I say "you better get going" or something along those lines.

I really have to work on ending the phone call first and not trying to make up for gaps in the conversation. It is hard for me though cause sometimes I want to cry when he hangs up because he has turned into such a stranger like we have not known each other for 24 years. One of our issues was lack of communication so I thought my 180 would be to be more communicative with him. DBing is such a fine line to walk so I have to make sure I am keeping my balance.

Enough about me, how are you holding up with your sitch? Have you been getting out and finding fun things to do? It is easy to just mope around and wonder what is going thru our H minds but we can't let it get us down.

Hope you are well

Hi AJL,

I tried to copy the quote from my thread, but I am not sure if it worked. I answered about my sitch there... thanks for stopping by.

re your calls... it is good that you have made some changes and will continue to make a conscious effort to NOT hang on when he calls. again, maybe let the kids answer the phone? not sure of their ages. But the more you can keep yourself from talking to him, know what he is doing etc.. the easier it will get each day.. I guess this time we are going thru is about alot of soul searching. and making some positive changes that will not only benefit us.. but also assist in giving WAS the space they need to really know how they feel and be able to miss the good and forget the bad?

I know I find that I get a resolve and can function for a bit, then I will hear from him.. or snoop on his credit card bill and then I cry and hate him and myself. so I am next going to STOP looking. what he does with his time is his business. I cant control him.. I can only control me. ( actually at this point I cant control me either lol!)

well I hope you have a wonderful day... do something small for yourself and then stop to really appreciate it!

[MaryEL]

Hey Me again!

RE your post way above. Go buy the skates!! great exercise!! and you will have fun with the kids...

DONT text happy anniversary... DONT CALL... DONT WRITE.. well you get the picture!

RE the cards from the kids.. I have to say that so many women dont encourage the kids to stay in touch with their father.. So I have to respect that you DO... just DONT use it for yourself.. make it about THEM and HIM..
Like if it were a grandparents birthday etc..

Ok.. enough of my opinions... cuz that is just what they are opinions but I know how easy it is to use any excuse to communicate..

HUGS!

[ALJ]

Thanks Mary-EL for your advice

I admit I have been sending him texts of pictures of the kids doing summertime stuff (playing in the park and splashing in the pool) but nothing personal from me to him.

H says he is coming up to visit the girls either on August 28 or September 4. I dont know how long he is staying though. Last week I brought up the conversation about us setting up a schedule for him to see the kids on a regular basis. I told him that I am willing to bring the kids down to visit where he lives sometimes. He said we would talk about it later. So, I brought it up again today and he says we will talk about it when he comes up because there are some other things he wants to talk about and he would rather do it in person.

This is going to sound crazy but as soon as h says those words, I feel sick to my stomach with dread and fear. I know that I should not feel this way but my emotions are getting in the way again. I love him. Has H found another woman? Does he want to file for divorce? I have been trying to protect my heart through all of this by trying not to react to things that H says and preparing for the worst but I am failing.

After H made that statement, I tried to weed info from him. I know his business is not taking off like he wanted so I stated that building a business takes time. H states that he knows that. I then ask if what he has to say is bad news and he says "it depends on what you think is bad news." So, I just dropped the subject and ended the phone conversation.

Sorry to sound so petty but I have a habit of over analysing things since this separation was initiated. I am still holding out hope that things will work out between us.

[MaryEL]

ALJ,

I am holding your hand on the over analysing.. I do that too. I dont know what it could be that he wants to talk with you about but I do know that when my H told me he wanted a D, it was over the phone, and he did apologize for NOT doing it face to face... sorry I know that isnt what you want to hear, and it may not be anything like that.. but we know that we do have to be prepared for the worst.. and HOPE for the BEST!.

I did notice reading other threads that some people show that a D was filed years ago, but no note of it actually being done?

I am learning that miracles happen every day. but we have to make the best of what comes our way... so keep a positive attitude, do your daily FOR ME stuff along with FOR THE KIDS time and try to start every morning with your Happy in place

[ALJ]

I really would like to change the name of my thread from Newly Separated and Heartbroken, as this is no longer true. H and I have been physically separated for over 4 months now and my heart is in the process of healing.

H arrived on Saturday morning and kids were overjoyed to see him. He talked to them for a bit and made small talk with me about his trip. He fell asleep on the couch and the kids and I went to their cousins(H's nephew) birthday party. H showed up at the party and everyone was happy to see him(no one knew he was in town) and he pretty much avoided me. After a short stay, H left and the kids and I went home after the party. After the kids went to bed, we watched t.v till 2am, no real conversation going on.

Next day I go to church and leave the kids with him. When I get home, kids are outside playing and H is sitting on the porch. He isnt actively playing with them or interacting with them like I think he should be. I just go in the house and try to figure out what to fix for dinner. I need to go to the store and by that time husband is on the phone with a business matter and I tell H i will be back, the kids go along with me. I get back and H is on the couch. I start dinner and the kids play video games. H does not participate. It seems like he has long stretches of silence and then he will snap out of it and laugh along with the kids as they show him how good they can play MarioKart and then silence again. We eat, kids go to bed, and we stay up till 2am watching t.v joking with each other, again, no real convo.

Labor day comes and I ask H if he has plans. He said he had invites to different friends houses but didnt know what he was doing that day. We wind up spending most of the day apart. Me and the kids at my grandmothers house and I dont know where he went. H wont go near my family too much. He is cordial but will not go around to say hi to them when he is in town. They know about the sitch and I guess he feels guilty being around them. Who knows. By the time H gets in, the kids are in bed. I dont ask where hes been. He doesnt offer any info either.

On Tuesday, the kids left for a hair appt and its just me and him. I ask H if he wants to go to the mall with me so I can finish school shopping. He reluctantly agrees. I should have went by myself. H is mostly quiet in the car and in the mall. It was like he did not want to be near me, lagging behind me while walking thru stores. I would ask his opinion on outfits and barely get a response. I was getting fed up and said " you didn't have to come if you didn't want to." I dont think he said anything in response.

When we get home H makes a remark out of the blue "I am in a big hole now" I ask what he means and he proceeds to tell me that his partner that moved out of town with him had left him and moved back up here about 3 weeks ago. H says he had been supporting this guy by paying the bills in the apt and buying food, etc. The partner thought that the business that they were working on together would take off overnite and did not try to get a job to help out with bills. There was a big argument and the guy just up and left saying he would be back after 5 months of making money at his old job. My H says he cant come back. So now my H is almost broke and what little money he gets goes into our joint checking account and he doesn't want to use that money. He's going to have to get job sooner or later.

I guess this change of events had something to do with his attitude during his visit but I now see that my h has some communication problems along with other issues. I think he needs counseling, something he refuses to do. I, for one, am slowly starting to detach from him. Sometimes I feel like, why do I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me? I do love him and dont want to give up without trying.

During this visit there were glimpses of the old playful H every now and then, but for the most part, he was quiet and detached. He slept on the floor at the foot of my bed every nite. This did not bother me as much as it did the last time when he came to visit. I asked him the last visit why he wanted to sleep on the floor and not in the bed and he told me that it would signify to me that things were "normal" between us and it is not. We have not been intimate since June.

I am slowly starting to detach from him. I read somewhere on this board that there is usually another person involved when a spouse walks away. I am beginning to believe this. Any advice is welcomed.