I feel like stamping my foot and throwing a temper tantrum. (Now who is acting like a toddler?)
There are some moments when I think that I have seen it all and then I see something else. And I want to go "Aaaarggghhh", roll on the ground and pull out my hair like a toddler in the supermarket. Then the adult in me quietly says I cannot do this anymore so Jesus, take the wheel.
Goals for this week:
- Detach, detach, detach. The past two weeks have been rough. I am getting too caught up in this sitch. Too far away from where I was headed. I need to give this back to God and let him KEEP it. His will, not mine.( I usually pray this during the day). Part of my detachment will be by going dark. But I will still be polite since to do otherwise would let him think that he is getting to me.
- Compassion for him, compassion for me. I will not forget to be compassionate to myself.
- Paint my toenails blue. Hey, that one is just for the sheer fun of it. My boss is sure to love it.
- Above all, be cool, calm and collected. Don't let them see you sweat. Don't let them see you cry. Don't let them hear your voice tremble. H thinks he knows my number but he knows nothing of the new Kara. Nada. Zip. Zero. I am starting some 180s that will let him see who the new Kara is. And if he doesn't want her it is truly his loss.
Kara, you are an inspiration (yes, even with your vent:)). I feel the same way right now - wanting to scream and pitch a fit and be selfish and run away from everything. But of course the rational adult in me is the one who maintains control, fortunately. It is days like these that I realize I am trying to taken back the "control" and not stepping out of the way for God to do His thing in His timing.
Great goals for the week - hope you are able to stick to them.:)
H thinks he knows my number but he knows nothing of the new Kara. Nada. Zip. Zero. I am starting some 180s that will let him see who the new Kara is. And if he doesn't want her it is truly his loss.
There is a snack that I absolutely love which H used to buy for me regularly. His LL is gifts and he would always be buying me gifts both large and small. Like this snack which is a bit expensive. Of course he stopped buying them for me during the last few months. I came home last night and there was a super sized bag of my favorite snack in the cupboard. I said nothing and left it there. This morning it was on the counter. H said "You can have some." And then waited to see if I would. And so I did. He never said they were for me but he does not really like this snack and eats very little of it, if any.
Was I right or wrong? Too late, I already ate 'em.
Kara, been reading this post. OMG you should write a book. you have such a way of sharing that really speaks to so many. I will definately be following this thread for the many postive words you speak. and your venting.. well you just make the rest of us see that we are not alone.. we are going thru emotions that are normal and ok.. and we can get thru this!! Hugs to you!!
M - 45 1st marriage H - 45 2nd M -T - 14 yrs M - 13 yrs S - due to job location since 1/08 B - 7/6/2009 EA revealed -9/3/2009 began 6/09 E/A end 9/09 piercing: since 10/09 long distance
You've got this down but good. More of the same...slow and steady and detached.
And blue toenails are delightful! The summer I went through this I painted my toes every nontraditional color I could find, even (what I thought of then) alien green. You know, in tribute.
I'm blown away by how clear you are about this process. Try not to let your H's nutjobbery drive you too nuts...it's to be expected from aliens.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Just a quick post. Things are quiet. I had a great weekend. I had friends over on Saturday night and went to a play on Sunday.
H stayed at home when the friends came over and was quite sociable. I was surprised that he stayed in but didn't make a big deal out of it. I went to the play with some girlfriends and we had a blast. I wore a new outfit (yes, I'm shallow), sprayed on some new perfume and flashed my most winning smile and wink as I walked past H and out the door.
So, still doing me. Still detaching. Still mixing up my routine. Still trusting God. Still wearing the blue nailpolish, SD (By the way I love your term "nutjobbery". I may just have to use it myself!)
