I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"(Husband),

After much thought and prayer, I've decided that I cannot sign your letter. I simply can't pretend that our marriage is something that it clearly isn't, and I certainly won't lie on paper to cover up what you're doing here.

I hope you can find another way.

If you need to pick up any of your stuff, please let me know what would be a good time for you, and I'll arrange to have someone here to let you in and see you out. It needs to be by the end of the month, or I'll assume you don't want it, and will give it to charity.

I do wish you well.

Regards,

(Wife)"

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think sending the email separates the "us" that was defined by what you could do for him from the "us" that exists if there is still love between you. It's a good thing, I think. You don't really want him around because you have something (US citizenship) he needs to use, do you? You want him around because that is what he wants!

Girl, keep taking care of yourself. This story isn't over. Even if he has to go back, it isn't over. It's not over until you say it is, and you had better not do that until you can stand up on your own two feet, look into the mirror, and say, "This beepee is worth loving!" And you don't need him anywhere nearby while you work on getting there.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think Pup's letter is a pretty darned good compromise!

[wolverine1997]

I cant risk lying to immigration

I think that this is a good point to add.

[SDFoundGirl]

Coach, I like your letter.
He's going to think I'm such a b*tch.
Oh well. He chose this.

A really wonderful C told me it wasn't any of my business what others thought or felt about me as I had no control over it. All I could do was live my life as truthfully as possible and manage my own thoughts and feelings.

If you were doing this to be mean or manipulative, I think you'd receive very different advice on this board. However, you are being truthful and choosing actions based on what's right for you and your happiness. Any choice made out of fear is a bad choice.

H is not your responsibility...in fact, he never was. YOU are your only responsibility in this world. That doesn't mean you trample over other people, but you don't sacrifice yourself for the well-being or fixing of others.

I second Coach's response. Let the other stuff go.

SD

[beepee]

Thanks for all your wonderful advice everyone!
I appreciate it so much. I would have done the wrong thing if it weren't for you guys, so again, thanks!

journaling..
I'm really sleepy right now but I have to wait for my last batch of eBay items to end and see how much I've made and send the invoices out so I can get paid!

Told my C that I was moving so I have one last session with her and one session with my prescriber before moving. I have to search for another C in the city now, hoping my insurance can help me find one.

I miss H right now so going to sleep soon would really help me from dwelling on how much I miss him.

To Do List For Tomorrow:

1) Pack up all ebay items and have it shipped out

2) Go for a walk

3) Start packing up little things into boxes

4) Treat myself to an iced latte at the coffe shop down the road!

That'll take up quite a bit of time tomorrow. I have to walk to the post office too with all my packages so I can get in some extra exercise. This is great, the apartment complex I'm moving into has a gym and a rooftop outdoor pool! Not like I would use the pool anyway, I'd be too self conscious. But that's what the gym is for!! I'm hoping to lose everything I gained by my birthday in December! 70 pounds in 5 months? I think it's doable. And I'll do it in a healthy way. No diets, just proper nutrition, smaller portions and lots of exercise. Going to start Pilates too, it worked so well for me before. I should definitely start it again!

So I needed to make plans for the weekend so I don't sit home and wallow. On Saturday, my friend is coming over to buy and take my bookcase and to look at some other furniture and kitchen supplies that I have as she is moving to another city as well (more money, yay!), then later on that day, I might go on a nature walk with a few friends, waiting on their decisions, and hopefully head to a bar/lounge in the city at night. Then on Sunday, I have to get up really, really early like 3 or 4 to head down to the flea market and set up shop! Selling as much as I can this time and going to be much more prepared than last time. I really need to make a few hundred that day so I'm going to bring as much as I can, fingers crossed it doesn't rain!

Next weekend, my cousin is having a baby shower. They sent the invitation and the registry at Babies R Us but I can't afford anything for them right now. And I also don't want to go because they are awful people. They do nothing but gossip about me and my sitch, and before that, they were just spreading rumors about me all over the place. I don't want to be around people like that right now. It'll just get me down. If I was stronger, I'd be able to face it and just say what the hell, who cares what they're saying, at least I know its not true. But right now, I have no confidence and just can't handle them right now. But every single family member and relative is going to be there but me. Who cares. I don't care. I'll make sure to do something else that day with my friends (who can't stand them either).

Anywho, I'm getting really sleepy so sleep I shall!
Thanks again everyone for your help! Have a great night

[mac-ct]

Morning beeps.

Glad to see you're keeping very busy. Good on you girl.

Just something you may want to think about. You say...

And I also don't want to go because they are awful people. They do nothing but gossip about me and my sitch, and before that, they were just spreading rumors about me all over the place.

I went through something very similar (except I didn't know this guy was in the enemy camp at the time).

The guy said to go-between "Why is Mac so nice to me? Why is he even talking to me?". Go between said it was driving him nuts! And I still speak to him when I see him. And it still drives him nuts. And everyone knows his stance. And guess who everyone sees as the better person? YeeeeHaaaaaa

Pluck up your courage if you feel you can. This is a golden opportunity to show the nice people how the nasty people will never win. Their estimate of you will go through the roof.

And don't feel bad about not being able to buy something. You were invited to share in something special. Go.

Hugs

Mac

[beepee]

Thanks mac -

everyone already knows who the better person is
and thats not me being arrogant, I actually do not know one person that likes them. I might go, I might not. There might be something going on with my friends that they might invite me to. We'll see.

So I got a reply from the H.
By the way, I wrote what Coach had suggested....and here was his reply:

"I'm sorry you feel that way B, I really didn't mean for things to turn out like this
and I never wanted you to come out with those kind of words.
You don't have to do anything on my behalf, and I know you don't want my life
to be easy or for things to move on for me.
I know you want pain for me and you want me to hurt, like you.
So, all I wanted was a signature, that's all, to recognise that we got married.
No meeting, no implications, no further tasks, just a signature, a one off.
I know you don't want this now and I'm sorry I contacted you.
I was getting close to meeting you to thinking that it was possible to have a
conversation, but it seems that we both need more time now.
I don't know what stuff you have of mine but if there is some stuff I guess I should
take it off your hands, I'm sorry I left it there for you to have to deal with.
I have always wanted to meet you and talk, but finding the strength to do it has been
too hard.
I just want you to know that.
I'm hoping that you're relocating to somewhere that will make you happy and that
you can have a chance at moving on, you deserve it more than I ever will.
I still miss you B,
D



He still misses me?? He doesn't even want to know where I'm moving to, he doesn't even know if he'll ever see me again and it doesn't even matter to him. I just don't understand any of this at all! This is such a feckin headwreck!

[SDFoundGirl]

He sounds a lot like Eeyore in his email. Sheesh.

Okay, he's trying to provoke you or make you feel bad with what he's written. It feels...manipulative. "I was getting close to meeting you..." is one of those, well, I was thinking about it, but now you've messed that up BS lines that the WAS tends to use when things don't go their way.

No response is best...let the crickets chirp. He's going to be expecting you to defend yourself or change your mind.

IF you happen to see him when he comes to pick up his stuff AND he says anything like that, your response needs to be something like, "I'm sorry you believe that, but the truth is I am just not willing to lie on your behalf." Switch topic.

Wow.

SD

[beepee]

Thanks SD:

I was reading it and I felt really bad and I think thats what he was trying to do. Its definitely manipulative and the crazy thing is, everyone on his side thinks I'm the manipulative one

This email resembles one he had sent me awhile back when I had shut off his phone. I gave him one month to tell me what he wanted to do with the phone because I wasn't going to continue paying it for him and everytime I asked him, he would ignore it and never respond and THEN when I got sick of it, I had it shut off, its not my responsibility to pay for his phone when he's not even with me. So emails me and says something to make me feel guilty: "I was going to pay for it and I was going to pay for yours too but that's no longer an option." What a guilt trip!!

What has he become? I don't understand at all. He was never like this before. Is it possible that he's in a MLC?? He says he hasn't been feeling well lately, maybe he's depressed? He constantly mentions his age and how he's gotten nowhere in life by being with me, but there's no other woman that I know of. I feel like I'm dealing with a child.

And knowing how he is right now, he's not even going to come and pick up his stuff because he doesn't want to face me. I'm not a monster but he's making me feel like I'm such a bad person. Like I'm going to beat him up and swallow him whole if he meets up with me. All I want to do is give him a hug. All this time, I thought I was the most horrible person for the way I treated him and that I was the one who needed so much help and therapy. But its not true, he needs help too. But he's making me out to be like some crazy person who needs to be locked up and put on meds for the rest of my life.

Some of the things he's said to me awhile back in emails etc were just so mean. I never saw him as manipulative but the last few emails has proven that he can be and his guilt trips are working. I feel like sh*t. I'm trying not to let it get to me at all and tell myself I'm not a bad person, but its so hard when someone does SO much to stay away from, and not just someone, someone you are so in love with.

You were right mishka and stacey, I didn't need this H drama. I guess I should be careful what I wish for because it actually came true. I felt so much better when he was not in contact with me and wishing for some interaction with him was a bad idea. I can't believe it actually came true just a couple days after I wished for it. I'd rather go back to NC. I feel so much better and happier with myself. I was happy with the way things were progressing within me. And now this is such a huge blow to my confidence and I feel like I'm back at square one.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, I know I can't let it get to me. Its so hard. I want to go back to being excited about my new roommate and new apartment, moving to a new city, riding my new bike, happy with the way my eBay auctions ended (I made a total of $1700 by the way!), enjoying the company of my friends, appreciating what I have in my life but I can actually feel that quickly slipping away from me right now. But I can't, I just can't let myself fall apart that easily. I'm stronger than that. I don't feel it but I'm going to fake it. I need to do this for myself. His guilt trips can't affect me anymore. I'm going to forget that he ever contacted me and continue doing what I've been doing because I was doing well. I'm not going to let that slip away, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. B deserves so much more than that.