My husband (ex) and I have always had an intense relationship with lots of highs and lows. For quite some time now we have not been truly happy but we kind of accepted it and lived as roommates.
We are both self employed. Last summer, when the economy tanked, my business took a real hit. I still paid for our health insurance, my car and gas, but stopped bringing home a paycheck. I didn't discuss it with him because honestly we never discussed much of anything and it really didn't seem like a big deal because I make much less than he does.
When fall came, he had a large payment due with his business and accused me of taking his money. We had our regular expenses and I was using more of his income than usual to pay our bills. He flipped out and accused me of socking away money so that I could leave him. (I wasn't. Not even close.)
He became completely distant from me, only seeing all the negatives with us. I became defensive and we hit a huge wall. At this point, he started talking about divorce and talking to anyone who would listen about it. He told me that one of these people was a divorced woman he was friends with. Warning bells! I believed him that it was casual and did not even realize how attached he had become. Found out just last week (after 8 months of being divorced) that he had been calling her 4 or 5 times a day and in the middle of the night starting 2 months before we were divorced. It makes sense to me now why counseling did not work... nothing I did was enough for him and he could not see anything but the negative - especially when comparing me to his EA.
We "fast-tracked" our divorce and neither of us has been ok with it since then. For the first four months, I kept feeling hurt and rejected and defensive, believing that the next step would be the one to make everything better. But it never happened. He was pressuring me to reconsider and I was resisting.
At month 4, he finally backed away. I suddenly realized that the choice I was making was not the choice I wanted for my life. I took a hard look at myself and realized how my reactions and assumptions were making our relationship impossible. I did not feel like he even liked me, much less loved me. When I realized that he did, I saw all the things that he had been doing to show me love but that I had rejected. I knew that we could fix things.
I went to him and apologized from the heart, I think for the first time ever. He told me that he wanted to start dating his EA. I was devastated. I have since spent the last 4 months trying to convince him to give me another chance and tell him that I truly, unconditionally love him. He has responded by telling me that he has moved on, he wants me to leave him alone and that he does not ever want to go back to what we had. (I don't either - I want something better for us.)
Three days ago I looked back at the cell phone records from 10 months ago and discovered the EA. I confronted him with it and he went through several stages of denying it, then not. At that point, I felt that I could finally back off. I have felt this way several times before in the past 4 months, but every time I get angry and back away from him, he reels me back in by telling me he never wanted this and he wants his family in the worst way, but he does not trust that I can change. Then I am right back to hoping we can work it out! It is driving me insane!
After reading the "going dark" section here, I have spent the past few days leaving him alone, talking to him only about the kids. It does appear to have had some effect on him, because he has already called me, talking in friendly terms. He even asked me "how my date was". I did not go on a date, and have not ever. He told me that he could just tell by my voice that I was going on a date. Huh? But in the interest of mystery, I did not confirm nor deny, only told him that I was going to only talk about the kids as he had asked. This seemed to really confuse him.
I was feeling positive when he called again this afternoon, out of the blue (unheard of for 4 months!) just to chat. I was friendly but wondering what he wanted. He mentioned that he was almost done getting the house refinanced so that my name would be off... something that was supposed to be done last May. Then he said he would like to help me look for a new house. In my mind, I was screaming "I don't want a new house, I want to live with you and my kids in our own house!" but I kept my mouth shut and just said thank you for letting me know. He offered to let the kids and I live in his house if he by chance moved out. (He has made this offer before, but said that it would be in lieu of child support since he is paying the mortgage. I can't afford that.) I said I didn't think we would probably take him up on that so he could have the clean break he wanted.
We hung up with no stalling on my part - I'm proud of me! It took every ounce of self-control I had not to call him back and beg him to reconsider before following though with the refinance. That is why I find myself here, journalling my story. I know that I have to give him the breathing room he needs. It is so hard for me because I felt like I spent 4 months rejecting his attempts to fix us (although I see now that it likely would not have worked then because of his EA and my lack of self-insight) and now I feel like I can't tell him enough how sorry I am, how much I unconditionally love him, and how important our family is to me. I believe in my heart that we will be together and it kills me to see him not even give me the chance to show him I have changed.
Sometimes we can't see the forest through the trees. If anyone has insight or words of wisdom for me, I would appreciate it. I have forgiven him (and me) and am now just trying to remain patient.
