Well major vent here and maybe I have done some real damage in my M.
Today has been aweful. Around six phone calls with my wife all endeed up with her yelling at me and one of us hanging up the phone. I look at it and just dont know what has gone wrong. If I had it in me at the moment I would become the walk away as it seems all of the strides we had made over the last months have been thrown away.
I know that things are hard for her, they are for me as well. I have done all I can to help. I know she is under stress and pressure and I have always tried to stay calm as she has got mad and for the most part I have succeeded. But today I couldnt suck it in anymore.
Today her attacks started to become personal again. She is saying that I am lying to her that I am not truthful and that I am hiding stuff from her. I tried to be understanding, tried to validate where I could, offered apologies but this all just set her off more.
She started throwing it into my face that she gave me a second chance and now she is not sure if i am worthy of it. This whole thing has come about due to money. I dont have any but whatever I have been able to get my hands on has gone to her. I am living like a pauper while she at least has a good roof over her head and is able to drive around town in the good ol expensive sports car. She has rent due on Tuesday and has no money for food. I said I will organise some more from getting more loans but this has just set her off again.
I heard again how everything in the marriage was my problem and my fault and how she did nothing wrong. How she wants to be independant - through me giving her money (of course the thought of her getting a job has not crossed her blasted mind).
When we got back together I did tell her I would fix her debts up but this relied on what was happening in India. This has taken much longer to finish then I ever wanted but that is where I am and I cant do anything about it. I have offered to leave this behind and come back and get a job but she has said no.
So at the moment I am still mad at her, I feel like walking away from it all and leaving her with the mess that was all of her own making anyway. The freedom of the walkaway starts seeimg nice at the moment. I just couldnt handle her 'Are you going to let me starve are you going to let your dogs starve' comments today. The of course the accusations that I am having a wow of a time over here while she is living in 'poverty' in her $550 a week rental house buying bloody $600 bonzai plants.
I know I made classic mistakes today. I know I should have just let her be when she was upset, but I just couldnt take the personal attacks on me. After she had hung up on me three times my last conversation was me calling up and saying "If you hang up on me again then I will leave you with your won bloody mess". I know not good dbing. I then hung up on her after I said it. I know I shouldnt have done it but hell I have my own pressures here as well.
So I will wait till tomorrow and all her. I just cant handle her like this anymore. I would do anything for her but I wont do it with the threat of her 'leaving' if I dont do it. I need to calm down and relax. Im going to go out and have a couple of drinks tonight to relax. But as I said the thought of throwing up my hands and not taking any responsibility for this anymore starts sounding attractive.
Well venting done. Would appreciate some thoughts on what to do and how to handle this?
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
